Fun_People Archive
12 Jan
A Few Jests for 1/12/98

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 12 Jan 98 17:24:12 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: A Few Jests for 1/12/98

Forwarded-by: SeekerSeer <>

Did you hear Lorena Bobbit was in a car crash?
Some dick cut her off.

Too Shy to Say

    A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm
and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.
    He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to
speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.  He
points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."  The chief looks
at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response.
    They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says,
"This is a rock."  Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The
padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a
rustling in the bushes.  As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the
midst of heavy romantic activity.
    The padre is really flustered and tries to cover, "He is riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.  The
padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching
the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just
kill these people in cold blood that way?
    The chief replies, "My bike."

Please help me...

Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at
  7:41:23 am

God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE

God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're
  usually NOT my fault.

God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But,  if You need some help,
  please feel free to ASK me!

Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties,
  and dancing.

God give me patience, and I mean NOW!

Lord help me not be a perfectionist.  (Did I spell that correctly?)

God, help me to finish everything I

God, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look a bird! --- ing at a time.

God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest.  And would
  you mind putting that in writing?

Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.

Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

Lord help me follow established procedures today.  On second thought, I'll
  settle for a few minutes.

Lord, help me slow down andnot rush throughwhatIdo. Amen,

    God was creating man, and decided, after consultation with the Angel
Gabriel, to give man something He called "sex drive."  He said to Gabriel,
"Let's give him 5 units to start with."  This Gabriel did.  Then God
reconsidered, "Let's give him ten!"  Gabriel bent over to do His work, when
God suddenly said "Naw, give him fifteen - I want him to yell out my name!"

    A Scot and a Jew were dining together at an expensive restaurant.  When
the bill arrived, the Scotsman promptly declared he'd take it.  The next
day, the newspaper headline read: "JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST SHOT IN RESTAURANT."

    A good ol' boy is sitting in a bar one night when he notices a good
looking girl at the other end.  He walks on over to her and says, in his
southern drawl, 'Howdy!  How'd y'all like to come on over to my house and
we can have a real good time?"
   "I'm not too sure," she replies, "where exactly are you from?"
   "I'm from Kentucky, way up in the hills."
   "I've heard about you guys from Kentucky," she says, "I hear you guys
will screw pigs and goats and dogs and cows and chickens and..."
   He interrupts, "CHICKENS!?"

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