Quips & Quotes
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 19 Jan 98 01:00:47 -0800
Subject: Quips & Quotes
Forwarded-by: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
QUIPS & QUOTES
Collaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption
that the other fellow can spell.
How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?
--Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see
it tried on him personally.
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain;
and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield
negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet.
--Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can't
decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: The quality of a
champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.
Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of
marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
will find an easier way to do it.
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
--"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
Law of Communications: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged
communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
area of misunderstanding.
Taxes, n.: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in
my name at a Swiss bank.
--Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters.
--Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; but
that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
Goto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
to complain about unstructured programmers.
There are three ways to get something done:
1. Do it yourself.
2. Hire someone to do it for you.
3. Forbid your kids to do it.
Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as
There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.
--C.S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia
© 1998 Peter Langston