New Newt News? Not.
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 27 Jan 98 13:50:04 -0800
Subject: New Newt News? Not.
Forwarded-by: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
When I recently read that Newt Gingrich was lower in a popularity poll that
Prince Charles, my reaction was -- there goes Newt's shot at becoming king.
What did Newt do to rank lower than the prince? The new, laid-back Charles
was photographed recently wearing a suit and tie and shooting hoops in a
playground. What did Newt do -- play hockey somewhere in kilts?
MILKING AN OLD GAG
That's not a milk mustache on House Speaker Newt Gingrich's lip in the
latest Advertising Age magazine -- but then it's not a real ad either.
Comedy Central's parody of those ubiquitous celebrity "Milk -- Where's your
mustache?" ads features Gingrich with a crow's foot and feathers poking out
of his mouth. The mock slogan: "Crow: Not too hard to swallow." In the
ad copy, Gingrich explains: "Hey, I'm a politician. And I know how to eat
crow when I have to. ... The key is to start early. With just a few
feathers a day, then when the time comes to swallow a whole bird, you won't
gag a bit."
Source: Houston Chronicle (c)
Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
UGA Humor List <firstname.lastname@example.org>
TOP TEN OTHER WAYS BOB DOLE CAN HELP NEWT GINGRICH
David Letterman, April 22, 1997
10. Lend him another $7.50 to get a decent haircut
9. Get him a job at the McDonald's where Jack Kemp works
8. Write foreword to his new book "Newtaerobics!"
7. Teach him the old "Get sympathy by falling off a stage" trick
6. Advise him to avoid giant snakes
5. Sponsor his membership in the has-been republicans club
4. Help him choose a new, less goofy first name
3. Help him choose a new, less goofy last name
2. Five precious words of advice: "Lay off the snack-cakes tubby"
1. Once and for all, teach the clumsy bast*** how to mambo
Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
UGA Humor List <email@example.com>
TWAS THE NEWT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
by Dean Bakopoulos
'Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the White House
Al Gore was eyeing Hillary, peering into her blouse.
The Secret Service men were guarding the premises with care,
for a whole host of Democrats were vacationing there.
Chelsea was nestled all snug in her bed
after locking out Mr. Kennedy and the
dirty thoughts in his head.
And Bill in his sportcoat; a heavy grey tweed,
had just fried his brain with some Mexican weed.
When out in the garden came a plethora of noise,
all drunken and rowdy: 'twas Gingrich and the boys!
Bill jumped to the window, and tore open the sash,
"It's a raid boys!" he cried, "Quick, go hide my stash!"
The pot in his blood and the moon on the snow
gave a psychedelic haze to the objects below.
When what to Bill's frantic eyes should appear,
but a slew of Republicans and a keg of ice beer.
With a big old leader, all lively and fat;
He knew it was Newt, "Proponent of GATT!"
As vicious as vipers, the Republicans came,
and Bill recognized them and called them by name.
"Hey Helms! Hey Thurmond! Hey Packwood and Hatch!
Hey Dole and Pataki, it's time for a bash!"
A collective cheer rose out from the crowd,
"Let's listen to Nugent, and turn it up loud!"
Together Dems and Republicans danced and sang out in cheer,
"Screw Health Care and Zaire, it's time to drink beer!"
When from the chimney, came a blinding black cloud of soot,
and Limbaugh danced from the fireplace in a red Santa suit.
He moved through the crowd, then held up his hand
and when all was silent, he did a keg stand.
And the crowd raised their cups, as Newt bowed down in prayer,
and champagne flowed freely, just like welfare.
As Kennedy and Reno romped in the Green Room,
the rest of the crooks outlined their Hidden Agenda of Doom:
"We'll pray in schools, we'll shove it down their throats!"
"More welfare, more taxes, we'll still get the votes!"
And they drank, hugged, and danced, they crossed party lines,
and they cheered, "It doesn't matter, we're all bastard swines!"
So they threw out allegiance and partisan crap
and took turns sitting on the president's lap.
And Gephardt and Dole passed out on the lawn,
and awoke in the morning without their pants on.
And Packwood gave Tipper a pat on the rear,
while Judge Thomas and Miss Hill went out for more beer.
Then the party-goers discovered a sight so touching and cute,
President Clinton fast asleep, snuggled up next to Newt.
Santa Limbaugh smiled and threw up on his boots,
"A Merry Clinton to all, and to all a good Newt!"
Doug Duncan <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Infinite Joke List <email@example.com>
© 1998 Peter Langston