Fun_People Archive
29 Jan
A Modest Proposal (1998)

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 29 Jan 98 00:40:07 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: A Modest Proposal (1998)

Forwarded-by: Holzwoman <>

A Harris Poll out today reports these responses to the following 2 questions,
the first asked of males between 18 & 75, the second of females in the same
age range:

    [1] (asked of men only)
	Have you ever had a sexual relationship with Monica Lewinsky?

            Yes:            34%
            No:             21%
            Don't Know:     20%
            5th Amendment:  25%

    [2] (asked of women only)
	Have you ever had a sexual relationship with Bill Clinton?

            Yes:            33%
            No:             34%
            Dream about it: 11%
            Gracious!:      12%
            5th Amendment:  10%

It seems clear that large numbers of Americans are having sex (or dreaming
about it) with one or the other of these two people--Theater technician Andy
Bleiler is not the only one! (I know the Poll above excludes Gays and
Lesbians, but we don't ask and they don't tell.)

So here's my Modest Proposal--it stems in part from a strategy we used back
in the 60s to innundate draft boards with so much work they'd have less time
to induct new draftees: thousands of draft-card carrying young men were
asked to write in and request a replacement for their "lost" draft card;
remember draft law mandated that you carry a card at all times, and local
boards had to invesitgate each loss or comply and re-issue new cards to
those folks who lost theirs. As luck would have I lost mine several times!

So, my Modest Proposal is this: All of you male citizens out there who have
had sexual relations with Ms. Lewinsky, please call a news conference or
call Oprah or Jenny or K. Starr's office and let's get every last piece of
information out there on the public record and available for scrutiny; all
of you female citizens out there who have had or dreamed of having sex with
Bill Clinton, please pair up with a "girlfriend" and buy a tape recorder
and phone each other and talk-talk-talk about the whole affair--then send
these tapes off to the appropriate "investigatory" agency or literary agent
and sit back and await the arrival of some handsome FBI agents at your own
door. You may also send any semen-stained clothing or favorite poems to:

      Office of Special Prosecutor, Washington, D.C.
      Attn: Bozo Brigade <-- (note this is merely a codename for office use)

Please, as you try to remember whether or not you may have had sexual
relations with either of the "famous" people mentioned above, that according
to Biblical authority (no less than St. Paul in his Epistle to the
Corinthians), if you have lusted in your heart you have as good as committed
the act in the eyes of God! None other than President Jimmy Carter reminded
the American public of this when he ran for office in 1976.  There is no
higher authority than the Almighty in this or any other case-- Trent Lott
(pretty great Biblical name in-and-of-itself) reminded us, in so many words,
of this last evening! So, please, your country needs you in this hour of
Crisis! Come forth with your accounts and witness for justice!

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