Fun_People Archive
12 Feb
A groceried society is a polite society.

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 12 Feb 98 15:55:53 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: A groceried society is a polite society.

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| The Wood-Charles News Service Copyright 1997 Wood-Charles Associates.       |
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Ann Arbor:  In the wake of a Belgian cream cake attack on Microsoft Mogul
Bill Gates, industrial security experts are openly talking about a whole
new level of threat from terrorists, criminals, the deranged, and consumer
advocates.  That Gates was sufficiently vulnerable to be hit, not once but
three times, with potentially lethal doses of sugar and dairy products just
points up the extent to which corporate executives are leaving themselves
open to assault.  But what measures can a CEO take? Wood-Charles News
Service talked to our own J. Francis McLuggage, chairman of the vast WCA

WCNS: What did you think of the attack on Gates?

McL: The man has no moves.  If you watch the footage -- which I have, over
and over -- you'll note that his right hand moves in the direction of the
incoming custard.  Classic panic response, trying to ward off the projectile
rather than carrying out his training.

WCNS: Training?

McL:  Sure.  All Microsoft execs go through extensive threat-reduction
training, and they all carry.  I happen to know that Bill packs a hand- made
black forest torte, plus a holdout eclair in an ankle holster.  But in the
clinch, instead of trying a combat draw on the cake -- which has one of
ERIM's counter-ballistic pastry sights -- tracks the incoming calories with
millimeter-wave radar and plots a trajectory right back at the flinger --
all he could do was cringe and get sticky.  Wimp.

WCNS: What about his aides and bodyguards?

McL: They panicked, too.  You can see one of them trying to hold a portfolio
between Bill and the tart boys -- of course, it's one of those useless
kevlar-panel things.  Sure, it'll stop a nine millimeter, but Jell-O will
make a mess out of it, flow around the edges, and keep right on going.  I've
seen it happen.  No, proper doctrine calls for taking out as many of the
threat personnel as possible, and for my money, there's only one way to do

WCNS: What?

McL: Seltzer bottles. All my direct reports have 'em.  Hey, you don't think
they all wear those rubber noses for FUN, do you?

WCNS: So you'd really advocate turning a public location into a shootout?

McL: A groceried society is a polite society.  Nobody has ever tried that
kind of funny business with me, precisely because they know what would

WNCS:  What, exactly?

McL:  Well, first, you open your eyes really wide, wipe away some of the
goop, and say, "Oh, a wise guy, eh?"  That freezes their blood -- lets 'em
know they're dealing with a pro.  Then you grab a seltzer bottle, shout
"Front sight!" and let 'em have it.  Meanwhile, your protection unit is
piling out of their Volkswagen, tripping over each other, and waving their
rubber nightsticks around -- that gets the media's attention -- in the
ensuing chaos, you pick out a large woman in a formal gown -- there's always
one or two around, at affairs like this -- and you duck down behind her so
she gets the next pie.  If you can't find a woman in a formal, try a guy in
a silk top hat.  It's almost as good.

WCNS: And then what?

McL: Oh, by then, everybody's covered in shaving cream, fighting, and
screaming, and you can sneak quietly away and bundle a few browsers in your
operating system.

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