Fun_People Archive
3 Mar
The Comedian's-eye View of 03/04/98

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue,  3 Mar 98 22:54:59 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: The Comedian's-eye View of 03/04/98

Excerpted-from: 03/04/98 -- ShopTalk

                         Wednesday March 4, 1998

     "The first telegraph message the Titanic sent after being hit
      with an iceberg is being sold at an auction. [It] reads:
      'Help.  They won't stop playing Celine Dion's Titanic song.'"

                                       Conan O'Brien


Yo No Quiero El Nino: It looks like we're in for some nice weather for a
change.  "In Malibu, the forecast calls for clear skies with only a 30%
chance of scattered houses." (Steve Voldseth)

Spin Cycle: "The new 'Twister' ride at Universal Studios in Florida
simulates the destructive force of a tornado so realistically that it was
immediately surrounded by five trailer parks.  For those of you unfamiliar
with 'Twister,' it was the film where Helen Hunt co- starred with a giant,
scene-stealing bag of wind.  No, wait.  That was 'As Good as It Gets.'"
(Craig Kilborn)

Meter Make-Over: Washington D.C., began a $25 million overhaul of its old
and damaged parking meters.  "City officials hope the new meters will stop
peope from illegally parking while they're buying crack and handguns."
(Dennis Miller)

Disasters: A company is offering three-hour, $35,000 viewing of the wreckage
of the Titanic.  "This shouldn't be confused with the three- hour, $8
viewings of the wreckage of 'The Postman.'" (Voldseth)

Belated Grammy Joke: "The biggest commotion at last week's Grammys was
caused by the pop group Hanson.  They were getting grabbed, pieces of their
clothing were being ripped off.  Finally, they called a security guard and
said, 'Look, keep Michael Jackson away from us.'" (Jay Leno)

Grammy II: Many of the female artists didn't shave under their arms.  "Did
you see Paula Cole, who got a Grammy for her song 'Where Have All the
Cowboys Gone?'  I don't know where all the cowboys have gone, but I swear
I saw a couple of prairie dogs under her arms.'" (Leno)
[Poor guy.  -psl]

Teach Your Children Well: US educators are reeling from the low math and
science test scores of American students.  "We bombed in history, too.  Over
90% of high school students think B.C. means Before Cable." (Argus Hamilton)

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