Fun_People Archive
11 Mar
Purim - Queen Esther & the Power of Sex

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed, 11 Mar 98 18:35:59 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Purim - Queen Esther & the Power of Sex


	Queen Esther & the Power of Sex

	    by Susan M. Block, Ph.D.

Like many Jewish hedonists, my favorite holiday of the Jewish year is & has
always been Purim, the Jewish Mardi Gras. Halloween with Humentashen. The
Purim Story, the Book of Esther, also called the Megillah, is filled with
sex, seduction, exhibitionism, sexual harrassment, sexual teasing, feasts,
parties, political intrigue, the awful spectre of genocide, lots of post-op
transsexuals (eunuchs), & Esther--a shrewdly sexual heroine who rescues her
people from a fate worse than Bosnia, armed with nothing but her smarts &
her sex appeal. It's an incredible story. According to archaeological
findings, it's probably also a true story. It's also an extremely relevant
story in light of all the inter-ethnic, interracial, inter-religious
violence going on in the Middle East, the Balkans, Africa, & right here at

So I'm taking a moment to tell you my own erotic exotic version of the Purim
Story, and if you'd like to take a moment to read it, please continue. You
might want to grab your Bible, so you can check out the source (the Book of
Esther is right between Nehemiah & Job). Grab your vibrator too. Grab your
sweetheart. Grab yourself. Enjoy.

The Story of Esther begins with a great feast, the climactic week-long
banquet in a festival that's lasted 180 days--that 's 6 months of partying
(& we think if we go all weekend, we're being decadent). King Ahasuerus,
who rules 127 provinces from India to Ethiopia, is the man behind this
Mother of All Parties, filled with lots of eating, drinking & carousing, as
the best Old Testament parties are. And "on the 7th day," says the Bible,
"the king, merry with wine" calls for his wife, Vashti, "with her royal
crown, in order to show the people & the princes her beauty".

Now in Hebrew School, I learned "with her royal crown" really means "wearing
nothing but her royal crown." See, I said this was a sexy story. But Vashti
is feeling prissy & refuses to parade her naked self before the king & his
royal party animals. If she could've sued him for sexual harrassment, she
would've, but they didn't have lawsuits back then; they didn't even have
lawyers then, tho they did have Judges, of course.

So the king kicks Vashti out of the palace; some translations say she's
executed which, I always thought, was a rather drastic punishment for
refusal to strip at a drunken party, but I also never sympathized with
Vashti, a sex-phobic prude with no zest for exhibitionism (one of my
favorite fetishes; also Ahasuerus'--the horny old despot.

Now, with Vashti, the Mother of All Party-Poopers, out of the picture,
Ahasuerus needs a new queen--a virgin. They were into that then--the virgin
fetish. A lot of guys are still into the virgin fetish, until they have to
deal with a real virgin. My advice to Virgin Fetishists: Get a nice
experienced lover who likes to pretend she's a virgin, & you'll have great
virgin-style sex, probably better than sex with a real virgin.

But, Ahasuerus doesn't have me or anyone else as a sex therapist (they
didn't have sex therapists back then either), & he wants a virgin. So he
holds a Greater Babylonia Beauty Contest where all the hottest virgins in
his kingdom compete to be queen. There they were, rows & rows of jailbait,
all decked out, panting to be picked...

I remember getting all decked out to compete in a Hebrew School Esther
contest. Winning & getting to play Esther was the height of my prepubescent
exhibitionism. Too bad the kid playing Ahasuerus was two years younger &
five inches shorter than me...

Anyway back to the Bible: Enter Mordecai the Jew, who enters his teenage
cousin Esther into Ahasuerus' virgin contest, encouraging her to bat her
lovely virgin eyes, but keep a lid on being Jewish. Even in these days
before Michael Milken, it was not cool. It's never totally cool to be
Jewish; non-Jews are always suspicious of Jews. Actually, everybody's
suspicious of somebody; that's one reason I'm telling this story. So
Esther's Jewish, tho she's no JAP. She's pretty down-to-earth, but she's
hot, she's "comely" as the Bible says, & the king gets all excited just
looking at her, & he gives her a prime position in the royal harem, where
she's bathed & beautified with ointments & perfumes for six months (hey,
those Babylonians out-Japped the Japs).

Then Esther "goes in unto" the king. That's the Bible's way of saying they
have sex. And she gives him the best head he's ever gotten in his life.
(Just kidding; the Bible doesn't say she gives him head; I'm doing a little
free interpretation here. But hey, Ahasuerus falls madly in love with her
after just one night, so I figure it must have been a hot night).

Anyway...he crowns Esther queen, & holds another big bash. The Bible's
pretty coy about exactly what Esther does there, but I bet at some point,
she strips down to her crown. I mean, that's the king's fetish, & Vashti's can just see Esther belly-dancing naked on a pedestal
above crowds of drunken revellers drooling at her comeliness. Go Esther!
But make no mistake: Esther's go go, but she's no bimbo...She's about to
get into some heavy stuff...

See, all this time, Mordecai's been hanging around outside the harem (can
you blame him?) & he discovers two eunuchs. These are sort of Biblical
post-op transsexuals--literally guys who have been castrated--y'know,
eunuchs! So, Mordecai overhears these eunuchs plotting to kill the king
(eunuchs are such shameless creatures). And he tells Esther who tells the
king, who has the eunuchs hanged (they sure didn't have a lawyer) & has the
event entered in his Royal Diary.

Then, Ahasuerus promotes one of his princes, Haman the Agagite (a
Hitler-wannabe BCE) to be his right-hand man. All the people bow down to
Haman, except Mordecai who's Jewish & doesn't bow down to anybody except
God, & maybe his accountant, but certainly not this Haman character. Haman's
mad. He vows to kill not just Mordecai, but all the Jews, & all their
accountants! And, since Haman's now the king's pet, he uses the king's royal
seal to issue an edict that all princes in all provinces prepare "to
destroy, to slay, to annihilate all Jews, young & old, women & children, in
one day, the 13th day of the month of Adar, & to plunder their goods." His
excuse? He tells the king that these people are " let them be
destroyed." The old ethnic cleansing routine. The 8-letter word is

Oh, I know, this story isn't so sexy anymore. Well, life isn't just a barrel
of orgasms, darling.

So: Mordecai roams outside the harem wailing "Oy vey! They're gonna kill
us! Worse, they're gonna clean out our bank accounts", & one of Esther's
eunuchs comes out (there were a lot of these eunuchs running around, I think
mainly to give the women pleasure without impregnating them, which was the
king's, not a bad little institution; every woman in the harem
gets her own personal human safe sex toy..). So, Mordecai gives Esther's
eunuch the big bad news & tells him to tell Esther it's up to her to change
the king's mind about this genocide thing.

Esther's worried. And scared. Because even tho they didn't have lawyers
then, they had laws. And according to law, anyone who approaches the king
without being invited is executed on the spot, unless the king holds out
his golden scepter. Now, even tho Esther's queen, she's fairly new on the
job, & she wasn't invited to see the king, so according to law, she could
be killed--instantly.

Mordecai don't want to hear from laws; remember: Mordecai don't bow down to
nobody. He reminds Esther, "The lives of all Jews (yours too) have been
condemned. You might think you're assimilated & can pass for Babylonian,
but Haman's henchmen may not agree. Besides, maybe you were blessed with
your "comeliness" for a nobler purpose than just keeping a horny king happy
& getting your feet rubbed by a eunuch." Whoa, talk about inflicting Jewish
guilt; Mordecai does a number on our girl Esther. But guilt like that is
good. Guilt over sex is usually dumb guilt. Guilt over not saving people's
lives is generally good guilt...

So, shivering in her sandals, Esther goes to Ahasuerus, & the guards start
to take her away for execution, but the king sees it's his favorite
exhibitionist, his comely Esther, & he holds out "his golden scepter" &
saves her. I always considered this a very phallic image: the king saving
Esther by holding out this long hard golden scepter.

Now, don't get too excited; Esther doesn't deep-throat it or anything. But
the Bible does say she "touches the tip of his scepter." That's pretty
hot--touching the tip. And the king gets all excited. He falls in love with
Esther all over again. He just loves the way she touches his tip. He says
he'll give her anything she wants. But Esther doesn't spring the big request
right away. She's cool, she's cunning. She knows how to turn a man on &

She says she wants to give a private dinner for the king & Haman. Ahasuerus
is excited; he's also a food fetishist. He calls for Haman, who shows up
all proud of himself for wangling this intimate invitation to dine with the
king & his hot wife.

Esther entertains like a great geisha, & when the king is drunk, well-fed,
& well-shtupped, he asks Esther again what does she want? He'll do anything
for her. But Esther doesn't tell him what she really wants, not yet. She
teases him, plays her potentate like an instrument. She asks him & Haman to
come back the next night for another dinner.

Ahasuerus leaves in a state of extreme erotic agitation. It's like he's got
royal blue balls. Meanwhile, on his way home, Haman runs into Mordecai who
still won't bow down to his Royal Assholickness. Haman's so mad he can't
wait until the 13th of Adar to hang Mordecai. He builds a gallows right in
his own front yard, & gets up early to see about obtaining Ahasuerus' okay
to hang Mordecai that day. But...meanwhile, back at the palace, Ahasuerus,
still in a horny tizzy over Esther's teasing, can't sleep. He couldn't turn
on the TV (they had plenty of eunuchs, but no TV's). So he has one of his
eunuchs read to him from his Royal Diary. Remember when he made the entry
about Mordecai turning in those other eunuchs & saving his life? Well,
that's the entry he hears, & he decides he's got to honor this Mordecai
fella in some way. At this point, Haman strides into the palace, hell-bent
on getting Ahasuerus to let him hang Mordecai now. But Ahasuerus, being
king, speaks first: "What shall be done to the man whom the

Haman, arrogant little prig, stops mid-stride, assuming Ahasuerus is talking
about him & suggests that "such a man" be given the king's robes to wear &
the king's horse to ride while one of the king's princes rides before him
thru town proclaiming his honor.

Ahasuerus loves the idea, & commands Haman to do just that...for Mordecai
the Jew. Haman's totally humiliated; he feels worse than a freshly castrated
eunuch! He obeys--he has to, he's a company man--but he's fuming...

That night, Esther throws the dinner party of her life--lots of wine & sex
& sweetmeats--that has the king down on his royal knees again, like some
submissive CEO with his mistress, begging her to tell him what she wants.

But she's a cool mistress, that Esther...I remember the night I first told
the Story of Esther to Max. I was telling it in bed, in an even sexier way
than I'm telling it now. this point, with the king down on his knees
begging Esther to tell him what she wants, Max got down on his knees begging
me to let him go down on me. Actually, I was on my period, but neither
Biblical prohibition nor bodily squeamishness stopped my Max. He dove right
for it, smearing his face with the blood of my affliction & the juice of my
affection...mmm...I tried to continue my Bible-reading, like:
"Okay...Lessee...the king...mmm...the king asks Esther what she
wants...oooh...that's soo nice...she wants...oh Goooddd...she wants him to
suck her clit--"

"No," Max said, "that's not in in the Bible."

"Yes," I said.

"But something tells me the king is not giving Esther head while she tells
him what she wants."

"I don't know," he said, "she's a powerful woman. She could tell a man to
do anything anytime."

Then he went back to licking me, slowly, sensually, & I felt an entire Bible
story raging in my loins, the armies of menstrual pain battling the armies
of sexual pleasure for control of the temple, my body. It was close, but
pleasure overtook pain, & I relaxed into Max's mouth, & picked up the Bible
in an erotic trance. No one was there but the two of us, yet I felt as if
the king's great feast was going on all around us. All the princes were
watching as I lay in the royal bed, as two eunuchs held my legs apart for
the king to devour me. All the princes stroked their sceptors, as I writhed
& recited the story:

"What is your petition, Queen Esther?" begs the king, "It shall be granted
you. What is your request? Even to the half of my kingdom, it shall be

Then, when she knows she's got him by the testacles--when she knows he'd
buy out Bloomies for her, if there had been a Babylonian Bloomies, Esther
makes her request: She asks for her life & the life of her people. And the
king says "For you, Esther, no problem!" Just like that--genocide

Amazing--The power of a sexual woman. Amazing, how downright heroic this
ancient exhibitionist teenager turned out to be.

Now, of course, the king wants to know who would destroy the people of his
Esther. Ooh, Haman's in deep doo doo now. Slowly, dramatically, Esther
points to Hamen. The king's in shock; Haman's his main man. The king steps
outside to think. Haman's freaked. He gets down on his knees to beg
forgiveness from Esther (what a woman, that Esther, royal goyim on their
knees before her, one after the other). Haman's literally falling all over
Esther's lap when the king walks back in & assumes the worst. "Will he even
assault the queen in my presence?" he bellows. And within moments--no
lawyers, no trial, no questions--Haman the Aggravating Agagite, is taken
away by eunuchs (more eunuchs!) who hang him on the very gallows he had
erected to hang Mordecai.  The king then revokes the Jewish genocide edict,
and the 13th day of Adar becomes a day of "gladness, feasting &
holiday-making," & getting drunk, as it still is, the holiday of Purim.
[WARNING: some liberties may have been taken with the story in the preceding
paragraphs...  -psl]

And that, my darling reader, is the end of the story. Hopefully it'll
inspire you to read the Biblical version yourself. Hopefully, it'll inspire
you to get drunk--that's what you're supposed to do on Purim! Hopefully,
it'll inspire you to find ways to use your own sexual powers to create peace
in your life & in your world.

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