MSBOTD (MS Bash Of The Day) - 3/29/98
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sun, 29 Mar 98 14:55:45 -0800
Subject: MSBOTD (MS Bash Of The Day) - 3/29/98
Forwarded-by: Cal Herrmann <email@example.com>
Microsoft to Buy Year 1998
In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday
that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1998. 1998 will be
replaced instead by "Year-M" to be followed by actual 1998.
"Windows 98 was not going to ship on schedule," Gates said. "But we
couldn't change the name again... people were starting to get confused. So
instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing campaign we
decided just to buy 1998. That way we get an extra year to debug Windows
and get it shipped for what will be the new 1998."
Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to
bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt. The IRS is
being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual with
one change: all checks must be made payable to "Bill Gates."
A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial
branch for the duration of "Year-M." Speculators stated that Gates would
likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits pending
against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper than
actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases.
In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his
purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God. In a
countersuit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be broken
up into "deity conglomerates."
"Gosh," said Gates. "They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up God?"
Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early
resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer. Evidently, God
has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer: he
doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married, and
can work for at least 6 days without sleeping.
"If we could just get some employees like that," Gates lamented,
"we would be able to ship Windows 98 on time."
© 1998 Peter Langston