VERY Dirty Jokes & X-Rated GIFs ;-)
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed, 1 Apr 98 02:17:52 -0800
Subject: VERY Dirty Jokes & X-Rated GIFs ;-)
[Please don't read any further if pornography offends you... -psl]
Forwarded-by: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Forwarded-by: Xxxxx X. Xxxxx XX <firstname.lastname@example.org>
CELEBRITY APRIL FOOLS PRANKS
It's all very well to prank family and friends, but how would you prank
some of our most rich and famous, if you could? Here's what we would
do, and to whom.
Newt Gingrich: Squeaky rubber Speaker's Gavel.
Bill Gates: Inform him that due to an accounting error, his 23 billion
dollars were accidentally traded in for 23 billion Italian lire -- which is
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Show him the money. Don't give him any.
Al Gore: Send him a case of "Hair In a Can."
Jenny McCarthy: Send her a case of "Brain in a Can".
Celene Dion: Tell her that world culture only has room for one major
Canadian female singer and that she and Alanis Morrissette will have to have
a to-the-death hair pull.
Bono of U2: Notify him that he came in second.
The Cast of "Friends": Send a telegram letting them know their moment in
the zeitgeist spotlight is over, and from here on out they're just another
group of sitcom actors.
Harrison Ford: Tell him -- Good news! Someone found the sense of humor
you've been missing since 1988.
Tiger Woods: Sew Reebok patches on his Nike Apparel just before he goes
Dave Barry: Report to him that they've lost the bowl he gets his hair cut
in. But they think Ken Burns took it.
John Tesh: Reprogram his keyboards so they only make flatulent sounds.
Wait, that's already happening.
David Bowie: Tell him that no one under the age of 21 knows who he is.
[Ouch! I resemble that remark! -psl]
Little Jeremy was blind. One evening, his mummy put him on her knee and
said, "Jeremy, I have a very special surprise for you. Tonight, if you pray
very hard, when you wake up, you'll be able to see."
In great excitement, Jeremy stumbled upstairs, threw himself down next to
his bed, and prayed his little heart out. "Please God, please, please,
please give me sight. I'll be a good boy all the time, and I'll never use
my eyes to look at naughty things or anything."
The next morning, his mother is awakened by howls from Jeremy's room. She
rushes into him. "What's wrong, son?"
"I still can't see!" he wails.
"Ha ha!" laughs his mum. "April fools!"
TOP TEN APRIL FOOLS DAY JOKES IN NEW YORK CITY
10. Super glue an automatic weapon to curb and watch passersby try to pick
9. Put fake vomit next to real vomit.
8. Suicide hot-line puts you on hold while playing Van Halen's "Jump."
7. Hold Wisconsin couple at gunpoint: demand their money and jewelry,
then give them back their jewelry.
1. Crack dens replace regular crack with Folger's Crystals.
By the power vested within me (and we all know how painful THAT can be!) I
formally declare April 1st to be an International Joker Holiday! Not that
you'll get off work or out of school, or any thing; but it's a great
opportunity to get even with those who cause you grief the rest of the year.
It is also a good day to prank anonymously. Allow me to plant some ideas
for your benefit.
Attach a wire to a door so that when it's opened, a bag/box of tin cans,
old pots, any noisemaking objects; will fall off a counter.
The old standard is to rig a box of something to dump on a person coming in
a door. For your own personal health, it's better to use something non-wet,
or non-messy. I find those Styrofoam packing "worms" are ideal.
Attach a thread to a toy mouse/rat. In a tight area, hall or small room,
yank the thread so the rodent appears to dart across the path of your
victim. Making a squeaking sound just before the rodent's appearance
insures they'll pay attention. (Be prepared to run when you're discovered.)
A slithering snake also works well, as does a bat or large spider suspended
from the ceiling, at head level. If you're coordinated, tossing a dark sock
at your victim, just as they see the creature, adds to that "being attacked"
Switching the phone jacks (phone/wall) on the back of an external modem
works wonders. See how long it takes your friend to ask for help. Then
you can be a hero by inconspicuously switching them back.
Putting Vaseline, or some other clear glob on the phone receiver, door
knobs, handles or mouse is fun. I learned this from my kids; but they leave
whatever is on their hands. You could also rub the ear piece of the phone
on a stamp pad. People rarely look when they answer. You can easily tell
who fell for it by a red or black ear.
Switching sugar and salt in the containers is good for some laughs... if
you are not detected.
I always enjoy taking a two foot long strip of 2" wide clear shipping tape;
making a loop, sticky side out, and putting it on people's chair. It's
almost invisible when someone sits down, but fun when they attempt to stand.
My friend, Al had some fun with his girlfriend one April Fools day. He
parked next to a car belonging to a friend of his; someone she didn't know.
He removed the rotor from his distributor and put it on the engine of his
friend's car. When Al and his lady went to leave, his car wouldn't start.
"Must be that stupid rotor," he exclaimed, "I'll have to get another one."
He popped the hood of the car next to his, pulled out the rotor and put it
in his distributor; as his girl-friend looked on in disbelief. As he
started his car and drove off, she protested. "Don't worry," Al calmly
said, "that guy can't catch me; his car won't start!"
Rename everyone at work; call them by their new name all day. The next day,
act as if nothing happened.
Put pictures of animals in your wallet. Tell everyone they're your kids.
The toilet is a personal favorite; use a wire to hold up the rod and ball
which fills the toilet. Flush to empty the tank. With no water, the toilet
won't flush. See how long people spend in the bathroom, trying to hide what
they don't want anyone to see. (Most guys walk away, not giving it a second
I've always found that the last thing a person, locked in a confined stall,
sitting on a toilet wants to feel is a stream of warm liquid raining down
on them. (Easily accomplished by putting WARM water in a squirt gun.) To
add to the effect, say, "Ooooops! Oh gee, sorry! It just got away from
me!" Be sure to make a quick exit!
A simple, yet effective gag is called the "plastic wrap across the toilet
rim" gag, but I'd hate to have people actually try that, so I won't even
If you have a multiline system, call up the receptionist say you are the
phone company and that you are cleaning the lines for dust and/or water
built up in the lines. Tell the person to leave the all the phones phone
off the hook until a certain time and not to let anyone use the phones, NO
MATTER WHAT! See if the person goes for it. For more added effect, wait
until they leave their desk, and sprinkle some dust under the ear piece or
leave a puddle of water.
Call someone up and say you are the utility man on the roof dealing with
the "High Voltage Phone Fiber Optics" on the roof, and that because of the
work you are doing, the phone will ring a lot. Tell them, no matter what,
to NOT PICK UP THE PHONE OR ANSWER IT for ANY reason, or you might be
electrocuted. Hang up, wait a minute and call again. Let the phone ring
and ring until it is picked up. Give a blood curdling scream. (My friend
tried this and the secretary was so shaken, they had to leave an anonymous
note to tell her it was a joke.)
Leave a fake phone message pink slip to call a number. Give them the zoo's
number, and ask for "Elli Fant" or "G. Raffe" or "Mr. Lyon" etc... make
sure it is a department in the zoo who won't answer "DC National Zoo" or
Tape the hang up switch down. They pick up the phone, and it keeps ringing.
Hook up the modular phone cord to something silly, like a lamp, or a potted
plant. A lot of people work in offices who have no idea how phones work,
and will more than likely call in a repair guy... who will trace the line
to the plant and make your schmuck look like a... well... schmuck.
[Oh okay, I can't restrain myself. Here's the movie theater version of one
of the pranks above. When you go to the movies, buy a popcorn that's a size
bigger than the one you want. Find a seat in the front row of the balcony and
enjoy the movie, eating your popcorn. About half-way through the movie, when
you're about half-way through the popcorn, go to the drinking fountain and
pour enough water into the popcorn to soak it all well. Take it back to your
seat and enjoy the movie for another 40-45 minutes. By now you're at the
customary dimly-lit final love scene and your popcorn has become a gloppy,
gelatinous mass. Start making quiet barfing noises, artfully building to a
crescendo just as you fling the contents of your popcorn cup out over the
audience below. -psl]
© 1998 Peter Langston