Fun_People Archive
2 Jun
The Shining vs. Armor

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue,  2 Jun 98 14:51:18 -0700
To: Fun_People
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Subject: The Shining vs. Armor
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X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <>

                 How Women Get What They Want

Women are under the illusion they don't have to ask men for anything -- that
if the man really loved her, he would automatically and instinctively know
what she needed. Right! As if the dysfunctional drone even knew you were in
the room, let alone knew what you were feeling. A woman has a better chance
of finding a bathing suit off the rack that fits than finding a man who
knows what she is going through.

Ironically, however, men like to feel needed -- like they're her knight in
shining armor. Unfortunately, most turn out to be needy, like her nightmare
from The Shining. Therefore, it is important that a woman ask a man directly
for what she wants, not indirectly. He is not a mind reader.  He doesn't
even read a map, how's he going to read a mind?

	 How To Ask A Man To Do Something
Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the
   sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior.  Offer to cook him something that
   doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate.  Microwave his remote on high
   power for 55 minutes.  Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say
   and no one will get hurt".

OK, There are six rules.

	 The Right And Wrong Way to Ask A Man
How you ask a man to do something makes all the difference.  Women think
that a subtle nuance or slight turn of phrase will have no effect whatsoever
on the resolve of their mucho-macho muscular moron. It does!  Which is why
you should always use "would you" and "will you" instead of "could you" and
"can you".  For example:

Do say: would you please take out the garbage?

Do not say: could you get off your big butt and do something around here?
What am I, the maid?

Do say: would you like to go out to a nice dinner Saturday night?

Do not say: could you please take me to any restaurant that doesn't have
the words "burger", "king", or "happy meal" in their advertising??

Do say: would you mind watching the kids while I take a night off with my

Do not say: could you, just for one night, watch the kids you helped spawn--
that I never get a break from-- ever!  I haven't seen my friends in so long
we wear name tags to identify ourselves.

Do say: would you take me to a movie this week?

Do not say: could you prove to me you're not Velcroed to the couch and
actually have the motor skills to take me to a motion picture? Something
without Pamela Anderson in it.

Do say: would you like me to listen to you talk about your day some more?

Do not say: could you step up the filibuster, Sparky? Jeopardy is on in ten

Do say: would you consider getting a vasectomy?

Do not say: could you even imagine what it feels like taking birth control
pills that make you feel like Attila the Hun one minute and Attila the Hun's
evil twin the next minute? Do it or I'll do it FOR you!!

Do say: would you like to take a vacation?

Do not say: could you move out?

Do say: would you get out of my life?

Do not say: could you get out of my life?

Notice how different these two statements are.  A man is much more likely
to get out of your life if you say "would".

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