Fun_People Archive
17 Jun

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed, 17 Jun 98 12:18:46 -0700
To: Fun_People
Precedence: bulk
Subject: Inevitable

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: Mark_Colan/CAM/
From: The Onion, at

CAMBRIDGE, MA--Starbucks, the nation's largest coffee-shop chain, continued
its rapid expansion Tuesday, opening its newest location in the men's room
of an existing Starbucks.

   "Coffee lovers just can't stand being far from their favorite Starbucks
gourmet blends," said Chris Tuttle, Starbucks vice-president of franchising.
"Now, people can enjoy a delicious Frappuccino or espresso just about any
time they please, even while defecating."

   The new men's-room-based Starbucks, the coffee giant's 1,531st U.S.
location, will be open to both men and women when not "in use." In addition
to offering specialty coffees from around the world, it will serve freshly
baked pastries, Italian pannini sandwiches and soups, as well as the rest
room's usual selection of toilet paper and soap.

   "This is a great addition," said Jonathan Connolly, a Boston-area banker
who tried out the new Starbucks Tuesday. "I was enjoying my usual triple
mocha latte in the main Starbucks, and I had to go to the bathroom, where
three people were in line to use the stalls. The wait might have been a
problem, but, to my great pleasure, there was another Starbucks right there,
ready to serve me more delicious coffee. And the baristas were helpful and

   Connolly added that after he finished drinking his coffee and using the
bathroom, he stayed for a poetry reading near the urinals.

   "I was a little bit worried about the new restaurant cutting into our
business," said Dave Grobelkowski, manager of the original Starbucks.  "But
the only people going there are ones who have already purchased items from
us anyway. And if we run out of stirrers or cream, we can just go to the
bathroom and borrow some."

   According to Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz, the new location represents
the beginning of a long-term expansion plan.

   "Eventually, Starbucks rest rooms everywhere will sell coffee," Schultz
said. "But that ambitious scheme is at least five years down the road. In
the meantime, we plan to open an additional location in this Starbucks'
ladies' room within months, and are already drafting plans for a fourth
restaurant along the corridor leading from the main seating area to the rest
rooms. At some point a 'Star-bucks Express' window will eventually open in
the walk-in closet of the men's room Starbucks."

   "Drink our coffee," Schultz said. "Drink it."

	[This was the punch-line to Keith Knight's ``K Chronicles''
	 comic suggested this a few weeks ago (after he'd discovered
	 that his room-mates had sublet his kitchen to Starbucks.

	 --- dm]

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