Fun_People Archive
23 Jun
Fundamental Marital Aids

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 23 Jun 98 12:59:35 -0700
To: Fun_People
Precedence: bulk
Subject: Fundamental Marital Aids

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: John Johnson <>

In light of the recent misogynist mumblings from the Southern Baptist
Convention, I thought this might amuse. I'm not sure of the original author.


In support of the recent Southern Baptist edict that women should "submit to
their husbands," we have acquired an inventory of beginning B&D supplies for
the Baptist couple eager to explore the righteous ways of wife domination.

1) Starter kit: leather masks with zippers and cat 'o nine tails. The masks
   are clearly emblazoned with Fish symbols on the forehead area.

2) Nipple Clamps of the Holy Trinity: Three brass nipple clamps held
   together with golden chains of appropriate length, allowing the masterful
   husband many options in attaching the third "Holy Spirit" clamp.

3) Mary Magdalene's Leather Pants: The "cheekless" design allows full access
   to spanking surfaces when the wife is in her proper penitent, kneeling

4) Wrath of God: a 12-foot bullwhip of black cowhide on a Communion chalice
   handle for putting the fear of God into wives who have strayed (e.g.,
   thinking for themselves or having an opinion with no regard for the
   damage this causes the family).

5) The Rack of St. Stephen: Sturdy construction with heavy, fur-lined wrist
   and ankle restraints. Can be spun upside down for the St. Paul variant.

6) The Archangel: Large punishment phallus of sufficient diameter and length
   to make any wayward wife admit her heretical ways and beg forgiveness.

7) The Judas Wand: A handsome vibrator that works well for five minutes then
   shuts down automatically, leaving the wife more dependent than ever on her

8) Riding Crop of the Pharasees: Teach your wife the ways of the Lord with
   this sturdy handcrafted riding crop.

9) Anointment: a thick, non-toxic balm scented with myrrh and frankincense.
   Perfect for easing the pain of heavily welted skin.

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