Fundamental Marital Aids
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 23 Jun 98 12:59:35 -0700
Subject: Fundamental Marital Aids
Forwarded-by: John Johnson <firstname.lastname@example.org>
In light of the recent misogynist mumblings from the Southern Baptist
Convention, I thought this might amuse. I'm not sure of the original author.
GADFLY'S ONLINE CHRISTIAN BONDAGE AND DOMINATION STORE
In support of the recent Southern Baptist edict that women should "submit to
their husbands," we have acquired an inventory of beginning B&D supplies for
the Baptist couple eager to explore the righteous ways of wife domination.
1) Starter kit: leather masks with zippers and cat 'o nine tails. The masks
are clearly emblazoned with Fish symbols on the forehead area.
2) Nipple Clamps of the Holy Trinity: Three brass nipple clamps held
together with golden chains of appropriate length, allowing the masterful
husband many options in attaching the third "Holy Spirit" clamp.
3) Mary Magdalene's Leather Pants: The "cheekless" design allows full access
to spanking surfaces when the wife is in her proper penitent, kneeling
4) Wrath of God: a 12-foot bullwhip of black cowhide on a Communion chalice
handle for putting the fear of God into wives who have strayed (e.g.,
thinking for themselves or having an opinion with no regard for the
damage this causes the family).
5) The Rack of St. Stephen: Sturdy construction with heavy, fur-lined wrist
and ankle restraints. Can be spun upside down for the St. Paul variant.
6) The Archangel: Large punishment phallus of sufficient diameter and length
to make any wayward wife admit her heretical ways and beg forgiveness.
7) The Judas Wand: A handsome vibrator that works well for five minutes then
shuts down automatically, leaving the wife more dependent than ever on her
8) Riding Crop of the Pharasees: Teach your wife the ways of the Lord with
this sturdy handcrafted riding crop.
9) Anointment: a thick, non-toxic balm scented with myrrh and frankincense.
Perfect for easing the pain of heavily welted skin.
© 1998 Peter Langston