Fun_People Archive
22 Aug

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sat, 22 Aug 98 01:34:09 -0700
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Forwarded-by: Joan Walton <>

WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No
Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and
protection for morethan 135 million talentless Americans.

The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage, is
being  hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of US
citizens who lack any real skills or uses.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--do not
possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves
in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. Their lives are futile
hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: Xeroxing
documents written by others, filling in mail-in rebates for Black & Decker
toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see.
Sadly, for these millions of non-abled Americans, the American dream of
working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million
important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the
white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory
sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and
promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for
even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.

The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire non-abled
workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for
every two talented new hires.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new
measures to prevent discrimination against the non-abled by banning
prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What
can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills
that would make you an asset to this company?"

"As a non-abled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with
co-workers who have something going for them," said Elaine Gertz, who lost
her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Cleveland tile wholesaler
last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should
really help people like me."

With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions
of other untalented, nonessential citizens can finally see a light at the
end of the tunnel. Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as
human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his
or her of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great
nation. "

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