Fun_People Archive
23 Aug
Special Prosecutor Info

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sun, 23 Aug 98 22:12:16 -0700
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Special Prosecutor Info

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: "Keith E. Sullivan" <>


Seattle political consultant Jeff Smith heard an NPR report about a
California schoolteacher who, tired of Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr's
airing of White House dirty linen, has decided to retaliate.

The teacher and her friends are shipping their dirty laundry -- preferably
blue -- to Starr's office.

The teacher isn't alone.  Smith says he spotted his partner, former
Democratic state chairwoman Karen Marchioro, delving in the garbage to
unearth a pair of blue briefs, ripped up the back.  They'll arrive in
Starr's office any day.

Jean Godden, The Seattle Times, August 14, 1998
By Robert Kirby, The Salt Lake Tribune, August 18, 1998

Monday, all eyes in America were focused on Washington, D.C.  A troubled
nation held its breath as a lengthy controversy over deceit and abuse of
power finally reached a critical juncture.

I refer, of course, to the important Senate bill that would have made
intelligible English the official language of this country's cab drivers.
It was narrowly defeated by a vote of 3-1, including an illegal vote cast
by a janitor, who, when questioned, said, "Cool.  I always wanted to do

None of you heard about this, of course, because we here in the news media
didn't tell you.  Instead, we used every news gathering resource at our
disposal, and no small amount of drugs, to focus your attention on another
Bill.  In some cases, we even drove over to your house and changed the
channel on your television.

The bill in question was Bill's Day In Court.  On Monday, Bill Clinton
finally faced Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr and a grand jury over the
issue of the birds and the bees in the White House.

Hopefully, our coverage of this situation helped you come to a conclusion
about what really happened between Bill and Monica, even if said conclusion
is still, "Beats the hell out of me, Herb."

Don't thank us.  We were only doing our jobs.

However, many things about Monday have not yet been explained on our part
to the point of nausea on your part.  That's why, even though the president
fessed up, we must continue to do our jobs.

For example, many Americans do not understand exactly what transpires during
grand jury questioning by a special prosecutor.  It's not your fault.  Since
Beverly Hills 90210 does not have a special prosecutor character, it stands
to reason that you wouldn't.

We can take care of that right now.  I have considerable experience being
specially prosecuted, even if you don't count the four times I was suspended
from high school, and that driver license thing that was mostly Bammer's
fault anyway.

Normal prosecution takes a lot of time, costs a lot of money, and rarely
accomplishes anything other than making people hate lawyers.  Special
prosecution is different, which is why they call it special.  It also sounds
way scarier.

As we learned in the O.J. Simpson case, regular prosecutors have to worry
about points of law, their hair-dos, book deals, and television ratings.
Grand jury prosecutors do not.  Their sole mission is to find the truth,
which is why they can sometimes use pliers, and treat the U.S. Constitution
like a doormat.

Even so, President Clinton was not entirely candid in all of his answer to
the questions.  To show you how it might have gone, I have come up with some
sample questions likely asked by the grand jury.  At the very least they
will help you sound more informed the next time you tell Herb, "Beats the
hell out of me."

For example, a likely question by Starr would be, "Mr. President, did you
have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky?"

A likely Clinton answer would be, "Do hickeys count?"

Starr:  "Did you regularly refer to Miss Lewinsky as your 'Lemme-aide?"

Clinton:  "Absolutely not that I can remember."

Starr:  "Did you ever instruct NORAD to download nasty pictures from the

Clinton:  "If it's who I think you mean, Miss Norad always kept both feet
on the floor."

As you can see, it may take some time before Clinton's testimony can be
pulled apart, minutely picked over, and the proper confusing inferences
inserted by people who know what they are doing.  Please be patient.

In the mean time, if there is a war, a cancer cure, or a really huge meteor,
we will try to get you some of the details.

(c) Copyright 1998, The Salt Lake Tribune

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