Fun_People Archive
26 Aug

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Wed, 26 Aug 98 01:38:33 -0700
To: Fun_People
Precedence: bulk
Subject: Elvis

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: "Keith E. Sullivan" <>


Memphis, Tennessee -- All shook up about claims Elvis Presley is still
alive?  For $15 you can have a copy of his will.

"Here's proof positive that you can frame for your den that Elvis is dead.
Legally anyway," said entrepreneur Robert Sammons.

Sammons paid $35 to the Shelby County Department of Records in Memphis for
a copy of the signed document.

Officials at Graceland, Presley's estate, told Sammons his money-making
project is "tacky and tasteless," he said.

A spokeswoman for Graceland, which displays the King's gold lame jumpsuits
and mirrored ceilings, did not return a call seeking comment.

WhiteBoard News for June 30, 1995
Joseph Harper <>

Local 7-11 clerk Babs Gonad used to wake up nightly due to the haunting
ravings of Elvis.  Exhausted from sleepless nights and weary from constantly
hearing the voice of Elvis in her head, Babs finally found a sympathetic
friend in Asika Moore, world famous psychic.

Asika solved Babs' problem by talking with Elvis through a specially
equipped crystal ball wired up to Miss Gonad.  A panel of experts witnessed
the remarkable conversation between the famous psychic and Elvis, and all
swore on bibles that the event transpired exactly as reported.


Asika:  Oh great Elvis, can you hear me?

Elvis:  Yes, my fan.

Asika:  Why have you entered this woman's body?

Elvis:  I came in her body to warn her of the dangers of fast food.

Asika:  What are the dangers that you speak of, oh holy one?

Elvis:  Let me explain, Ma'am.  I was reincarnated as a horse.  I loved my
new life, free from the pressures of show biz.  One day, some men dressed
in uniforms with the golden tombstones insignia on their pockets came and
they beat me to death with sledgehammers.  They ground up my corpse and
mixed up this old horses ass with hamburger meat.  The carcasses of other
fat dead celebrities were also used as hamburger filler.  After several
months, they made patties out of us and then nearly cooked us.  Several days
later, Babs came in and bought a burger and she literally ate me.

Asika Moore explains:  "The most amazing thing about this whole story is
that on Valentines Day, Babs had gone to Graceland to worship.  After
spending four hours there, Babs became hungry and left.  As she walked away
from Graceland, a cloud shaped like the dead dog once owned by Elvis spoke
to her.  The cloud told her to go to a well known fast food restaurant.
Just think of all the people that could have eaten that hamburger.  I think
it is a miracle that Babs, a devoted Elvis fan, was selected by fate to
receive the Elvis burger."

"Thinking back, I remember hearing the voice of Elvis as soon as that burger
touched my lips," recalls Miss Gonad, "Asika has helped me to understand
this strange phenomenon, and now I am resting much better, although the
voice never stops."

Asika Moore invites anyone else who may have eaten an Elvis burger to
contact her for psychic guidance through the ordeal.

yOkeL~sTaTE kNEwZ

wEakLy wHiRL kNEwZ <>

Could Godzilla, the King of Monsters and Elvis, The King, be one and the

same?  You be the judge.


     Godzilla:  King of Monsters
     Elvis:     King of Rock

Year Career Started

     Godzilla:  1954
     Elvis:     1954


     Godzilla:  Giant lizard
     Elvis:     Giant lounge lizard

Social Order

     Godzilla:  Hangs with freaks
     Elvis:     Had (has?) Michael Jackson for son-in-law

Famous Bug Battles

     Godzilla:  Fought giant caterpillar Mothra
     Elvis:     Outlasted the Beatles

Vocal Quirks

     Godzilla:  Terrible dubbing of his movies
     Elvis:     Never could lip-synch

Eating Habits

     Godzilla:  Would eat anything
     Elvis:     Would eat anything fried


     Godzilla:  Played by fat man in rubber suit
     Elvis:     Was fat man in polyester suit

Alien Encounters

     Godzilla:  Traveled past Jupiter for Godzilla vs. Monster Zero
     Elvis:     Was believed to be aboard alien spacecraft on
                    Independence Day


     Godzilla:  Fought pollution in Godzilla vs. Smog Monster
     Elvis:     Absorbed all forms of pollution into his own body


     Godzilla:  Has eaten the building
     Elvis:     Has eaten everything in the building

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