How Sexy Are Your Sounds
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 11 Sep 98 10:29:47 -0700
Subject: How Sexy Are Your Sounds
Forwarded-by: Adam Shand <email@example.com>
"How Sexy Are Your Sounds",
-- by Sara Finlayson
Music Style: TECHNO
Audience: Dudes who've been in the rave scene way too long.
Attire: What I came in.
Motions: Leaning against the wall discussing why Techno is superior to
every other form of music on the planet.
Sex Status: Too busy talking about Techno to notice.
Get Laid?: 3 otta 10
Music Style: JUNGLE/D&B
Audience: Fed-up ex-ravers and hyperactive Hip-Hop heads. Relatively
young, more popular with girls than most forms of electronic
Attire: Hip-Hop meets rave goes for a skate and then joins the Army.
Motions: Flipper-like motions of the hands with a few moves collected
from watching Beat Street. Circle dancer meets MC Hammer.
Sex Status: Jungle, like other forms of bass-heavy music, is very sexy.
Get Laid?: 6 outta 10
Music Style: HOUSE
Audience: Platinum American Express cocaine crowd.
Attire: Sophisticated gals in tight-fitting black lycra and
open-shirted fellows sporting gold medallions. Also big
among the gay community where shirts are usually off.
Motions: Bumping and grinding. Always sweaty.
Sex Status: Everyone likes to "do it" here. A veritable meat market.
Get Laid?: 10 outta 10
Music Style: HARDCORE/GABBER
Audience: Tweeked out teens. Predominantly frustrated males. Also
popular with serial killers.
Attire: Multiple piercings, wife-beater shirts, baggy trousers, and
Motions: Vigorous jumping up and down, pogo'ing, and speaker fucking.
Sex Staus: Stuck midway through adolescent masturbatory phase. Anxious
and feverish dance style suggests an urgent need to get laid.
Get Laid?: 0 outta 10 (only a mother could love these guys)
Music Style: GOA/PSYCH TRANCE
Audience: Crusties and anti-establishment trust fund babies
Attire: Matted dreadlocks, tie dye, and sandals remain popular. A
faint whiff of Nag Champa is usually evident.
Motions: Hippie dance style reminiscent of '60s exploitation movies.
Crazy arms motions and rubbery legs usually point to excessive
Sex Status: Attractive to each other. Hose down before use.
Get Laid?: Depends on the phase of the Moon.
Music Style: PROGRESSIVE HOUSE/TRANCE
Audience: University students and candy ravers.
Attire: 'E' friendly apparel, including fluffy backpacks, glitter,
pacifiers, and anything resembling a Dr.Suess character.
Motions: Hands in the air. Eyes rolling back. Occasionally slumped
against the wall.
Sex Status: No thanks...we're in it for the music. Hugs welcome.
Get Laid?: Males: 2 outta 10 (too busy trainspotting)]
Females: 6 outta 10 (they look great...to dirty old men)
© 1998 Peter Langston