Fun_People Archive
24 Sep
the Wieners of 1998

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 24 Sep 98 17:41:41 -0700
To: Fun_People
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Subject: the Wieners of 1998

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
 Forwarded-by: scotty <scotty1@pioneerplanet.infi.net>

	the Wieners of 1998

A few weeks ago, Kim and I attended the Fifth Annual 1998 Wiener Dog Derby
in Hudson, Wisconsin.  I just found the program...  taken from 12 races of
8 racing hounds each, here are what I consider the best Wiener Dog Names:

Zazu               Beaner          Itty              King Louie
Schnitzel          Turbo           Basil             Boomer
Hans von Rumpca    Bogie           Cleveland         Hootie
Snickers           Spitters        Geronimo          Einstein
Hoagie             Brutus

and last but definitely not least:

Bismark

At 36 lbs, Bismark was the largest dog in the day's competition.  (The
smallest, Hershael, weighed less than 4 lbs.  Visualize this: it would take
more than 9 Hershaels to equal the mass of a single Bismark.)  The Mighty
Bismark earned a nearly hysterical standing ovation, simply for managing to
eventually meander across the finish line several minutes after the rest of
the dogs had gone to the showers.

Almost as entertaining as the hounds were the owners.  They brought
blankets, pillows, doggy beds, huge stuffed animals, dog toys, basketballs,
vacuum cleaners, etc, to wave about in a frenzied effort to entice the
Wieners to proceed 50 yards down the track with some semblance of velocity.
In spite of their owner's best efforts, many of the doggies missed the point
entirely, preferring instead to wander about aimlessly, thoroughly sniff
parts of other dogs, chase each other in circles, take a quick nap, pant,
bark incessantly at the crowd or other dogs or nothing in particular, go to
the bathroom, hide inside the starting gate, check out what those people
were doing behind the starting gate, examine interesting things on the dirt
track, and, in one race, stage a full-blown, snarling, ear-biting Wiener
Dog Fight To The Death just shy of the finish line.  In another race,
catastrophe was narrowly averted when one of the faster, smaller Wieners
lost control, veered off the track and headed directly into the unprotected
crowd of spectators near the finish line, only to be restrained at the last
second by a little girl.

I have never seen such a variety of Wieners... slender, obese, hyperactive,
sedentary, standard and miniature, short and long haired, even one unlikely
specimen described by his owner as a "wire-haired dachshund"(?).

Except that it was only an exhibition race (no wagering), and that we had
to stand on the outdoor seats in order to see the contestants over the edge
of the track, the Derby was enormously entertaining.  A good time was had
by all.  I recommend it.  Two thumbs up.

© 1998 Peter Langston