Fun_People Archive
12 Oct
Fun_People Updates 10/12/98

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 12 Oct 98 13:52:31 -0700
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Fun_People Updates 10/12/98

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649

    Quite a few new people have become official, registered Fun_People in
the last few days.  Those new people probably aren't aware that every so
often I post a collection of people's responses to articles or topics that
have appeared in Fun_People.  As a result, new people may find parts of this
posting confusing or mysterious - the messages herein refer to items that
have appeared over the last four months.  So if you want to know more about
something appearing here, you should experiment with the Fun_People Archive
search engine...

	Re: Ah, publishing...

 Forwarded-by: Patrick Douglas Crispen <>

At 01:14 PM 5/28/98 -0700, Peter Langston wrote:

>Yesterday Byte magazine's new owner killed it.
>CMP bought it from McGraw Hill about a week ago.
>Ah, publishing.

Let me see if I get this.  I subscribed to "Internet" magazine.  It died.
"Internet" magazine transferred my remaining subscription to "Byte"
magazine.  "Byte" died.  I also subscribed to "Spy" magazine.  "Spy" died
... then came back ... then died again.

I don't know about you, but I think it is time for me to subscribe to
"Readers Digest."  :)

[No!  Don't do that... they subscribe to Fun_People!  -psl]

	Re:  Fun_People/Viagra

From: Tue Jun  2 00:30:24 1998

Magic Pill
c 1998 David Roth

These days one has to stay on top of science and technology
Not easy for a Renaissance romantic such as I
Who shies away from medicine, in fact I am most reticent
Concerning drugs and docs, but I know why

My father was the same, a man of very simple living
He had only kept two products in his bathroom medicine place
One one shelf Super Poly-Grip for fastening his dentures
On the other shelf was Preparation H

One morning after late night poker stumbling round his powder room
He needed both, God know what he was thinking
For what was on one shelf was what he had thought was on the other
And for weeks his lower cheeks were gripped
While all his teeth were shrinking

I prefer a naturopath, massage and acupuncture
Or a stress-reducing weekend in the waters of Niagara
But the scientists have turned my head, ten bucks a pop and off to bed
So down the hatch and up you go...VIAGRA

Chorus:	Viagra (echo: Viagra)... Viagra (Viagra)
	Incredible, impotent magic pill
	Viagra (Viagra)... Viagra (Viagra)
	For what would not before now surely will

As good as life can ever get, a grown-up guy's Erector Set
Demand so high the docs can barely fill
Our glances meet across the bar, we wink in sync and there we are
"Don't worry," I confide "I'm on the pill..."

Things were going really great, I started staying up so late
That like my father, mornings found me stumbling in the loo
And like my daddy did one day, I mixed the bottles up... OY VAY
A different sort of circumstance ensued

It happened in the symphony, my gal and I had gone for free
Through tickets from a friend in the orchestra
I thought I'd planned ahead so well, until a leaky feeling fell
I realized I'd OD'd on...OLESTRA

Chorus:	Olestra (echo: Olestra)... Olestra (Olestra)
	A minor side effect is diarrhea
	Diarrhea is not your best friend
	Even though it comes out okay in the end

I jumped right up, or so I thought, but all my efforts were for naught
For every move I made was in slow motion
And then it hit me like a wall, I'd mixed 'em up and mixed 'em all
And chased it with Prozac and Rogaine lotion

My toes were turning stiff and I was struck with oral leakage
I grew hair in places I could not conceive of, so to speak
I cursed my slurry slothy self and went back to my bathroom shelf
And tossed 'em all away and took a...

...week to clean my system

Chorus:	Viagra (Viagra)... Olestra (Olestra)
	Diarrhea (Diarrhea)... be on your guard
	Just one more new trick...for a really big


There are some things you should sometimes disregard

		And I never knew that life could be this hard

	Re: "Is nothing sacred?" -Milli Vanilli

Forwarded-by: elshaw@MIT.EDU (Libby Shaw)
 Forwarded-by: "jerome garvey" <>

I heard the various "Riverdance" troupes consist of three Catholic groups
(one pre-Vatican II "Tridentine", another social justice/ revolutionary
Gospel group, known for moving bleacher seats up front, and the final one
a radical pro-life group with live unprotected sex on stage but whose finale
drags on and on, painfully), one Protestant unionist group (affiliated with
dunkers), one Protestant nationalist group (nonetheless alleged to be soft
on sprinklers), one IRA military unit that performs only w/o advance
billing, one IRA political troupe that performs only when in receipt of
grants from Boston or New York City (New York City??? Get a rope!!), one
all-female peace troupe, and a final group which has often been unable to
perform due to weakness caused by a lengthy hunger strike spelled only by
Jameson. (Their rare performances are said to more resemble "Marat-Sade"
than other "Riverdance" shows.)

	Gratuitous Rotten Comment O' The Day

Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <>
Forwarded-by: (Guy Harris)

If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed...
.... Oh, wait a minute, he already does.

	Re: Graduation Day with the Secret Service

Forwarded-by: "Mike Todd" <>
Forwarded-by: Ray Faith <faith@MIT.EDU>


 To: Department Heads, Lab and Center Directors, and Administrative Officers
 From: Chief Anne Glavin

 On Friday, 5 June, during the hours of the President's visit (9:00 AM to
 approximately 1:00 PM), no subpoenas for President Clinton or members of
 his Secret Service entourage are to be accepted by any member of the
 faculty or staff.  The MIT Administration has decided to extend this
 courtesy to the President as a way of making his visit here more pleasant.

 Anyone who approaches a faculty or staff member with a subpoena should be
 directed to the Institute Legal Affairs Office, Room 4-104.

 Your cooperation is appreciated.

	Re: Graduation Day with the Secret Service

Forwarded-by: elshaw@MIT.EDU (Libby Shaw)
 Forwarded-by: tha@MIT.EDU   (Thomas H. Adams)

Subject:  Attire for June 5 Commencement - Message for All Students

Priority: urgent

Please post in your respective DLC's as appropriate.

There has been some recent controversy surrounding appropriate attire for
Commencement.  Normally, the Office of the Dean for Student Affairs would
not need to take a position on this issue.  However, it seems that a
substantial number of female students are considering a suggestive and
offensive form of dress.

It therefore is necessary for the Office of the Dean for Student Affairs to
declare that the wearing of black berets and kneepads by alumnae-to-be at
graduation is hereby forbidden.

This dress code will be strictly enforced for all participants in the
commencement procession.  No exceptions or exemptions will be made.

Thomas H. Adams, Special Ass't to the Dean for Student Affairs
Massachusetts Institute of Technology
Office of the Dean of Students and Undergraduate Education
77 Massachusetts Avenue, Cambridge, MA  02139-4307

	Re: Re: Graduation Day with the Secret Service

 Forwarded-by: elshaw@MIT.EDU (Libby Shaw)

Sorry, I believe I was bamboozled.  Despite the legitimate-sounding
administrative title of the sender of that MIT dress code memo, it's
most likely a hoax.  There is no Thomas Adams listed as staff at MIT.
(The MIT student culture prides itself on its hoaxes, which may be one
reason the Secret Service is trying to put such a tight lid on things).


	Re: the bar jokes

 Forwarded-by: John Morton <>

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar.  The
bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

	Re: mistranslations of bluegrass lyrics, etc

Forwarded-by: (Rebecca Kilgore and/or Peter Schwimmer)
 Forwarded-by: (Julian Winston)

Apropos of the mistranslations of bluegrass lyrics,etc., I recall seeing a
"flow chart" from Japan that was tracing the heritage of bands, and in  one
of them (I forget which band it was) there was a listing for "THE BRUGRASS
ARIANS." Was this a mis-spelled "Aryans"? Were we talking neo-nazi groups?
Well after a lot of thinking and looking we figured out it was the
"Bluegrass Alliance."

	Re: Funeral Gate-crashers from Hell  (come fry with me)

 Forwarded-by: Ben Herman <>

>Forwarded-by: Jef Jaisun <>
>	Funeral Gate-crashers from Hell
>You can read all about Phelps' church on his Web site (I swear I'm not
>making this up):

These guys really get under my skin. Maybe it's because they pick and choose
sections from the old and new testament and disreguard the entire history.
I could go into a long pedantic diatribe about how if you use 1 example from
the old testament then you MUST up-hold the rest of the old testament. (I.e.
if you must "put away" sodomites, then you must recognize that only the
tribes of Isreal are the "chosen", you must observe the sabbath and food
and sex restrictions, and you must observe all jewish traditions, rights
and feast days.)

But it would be pointless.  The closed minded sheep that follow a man like
Phelps would never hear the words, and if by some miracle they did, they
would never hear the truth in them.  And the rest of us don't need to be
preached to.

Let me close with some quotes:

...anyone who does not love his brother is not a child of God...

This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one
another... Anyone who does not love remains in death.  Anyone who hates his
brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life...
And this is his command: .... to love one another as he commanded us. (1
John 3 )

...he asked him, "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?"

"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: `Hear, O Israel, the
Lord our God, the Lord is one.  Love the Lord your God with all your heart
and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.'
The second is this: `Love your neighbor as yourself.' [Lev. 19:18]  There
is no commandment greater than these." .... To love him with all your heart,
with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your
neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and
sacrifices." (Mark 12:28-33)

And finally,

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one
another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law.  The
commandments.... are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as
yourself." [Lev. 19:18] Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love
is the fulfillment of the law. (Romans 13:8-10)

Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or
falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.....
Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your
mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way.....
Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual
edification (Romans 14 -- this whole chapter is great.)

	Re: Surreal Serialist Story Serious?

 Forwarded-by: Anton Sherwood <>

Was the atonal music spoof inspired by the short story "The Bomb in the
Bathtub", in which the title character makes its reports to the mother ship
by encoding tunes heard on the radio, and the hero defeats it by playing
atonal music (which, having no underlying pattern, cannot be decoded) on
his cello?

	Re: Graduation Day with the Secret Service

Forwarded-by: elshaw@MIT.EDU (Libby Shaw)
 Forwarded-by: "jerome garvey" <>

Last night I was listening to my CD of Utah Phillips and Ani di Franco. Utah
is describing a speech he gave to a group of students:

"The main speaker, the guy after me, was from the Chamber of Commerce. When
I got to the mike, something snapped. I said:  You are about to be told one
more time that you are America's most valuable natural resource. Have you
seen what they do to valuable natural resources? Have you seen a strip mine?
Have you seen a clear cut in a forest? Have you seen a polluted river? They
are going to strip mine your soul, they are going to clear cut your best
ideas, unless you learn to resist.  Because their system operates on the
principle of the least resistance and the principle of least resistance is
what makes a river crooked."

	Re: Mondegreeniana

 Forwarded-by: (Robert Reynolds)


A few observations along those lines:

I knew he couldn't be singing (in "I Really Want to See You Tonight")
	"I'm not talkin' 'bout Mavinian"
but had to be told it was
	"I'm not talkin' 'bout movin' in"

I can't forget the version of the pledge of allegiance that was quoted

	"I plague the legions of the flag
	of the United States of America
	and to the repulic for richlan stans.
	One nation, invisible, with liberty and
	jesta straw."


I have never understood what sounds to me like

	Find out TCP"

and would appreciate interpretation/correction.

[I had to decipher this Aretha tune several years ago for a Party Guitar  
class (see -- it's "TCB" which, as  
we all know, stands for "Taking Care of Business."


An NPR program (probably Performance Today), two Christmases ago, had a guest
who pointed out that

"A partridge in a pear tree"

is indeed a Mondegreen of

"A partridge, une perdrix"

where the last is French for "a partridge".  Whew.


Finally, I assume the only undecoded (later) example in your

 "I think the article was an excerpt from a book called "Pullet
 Surprises," and included others like "Shirley, Good Mrs. Murphy will
 follow me all of my days," "I lead the pigeons to the flag" and "O Atom
 Bomb." (5 points to anyone who can identify all the above)."

is O Tannenbaum.

Thanks again for a great installment!

	Re: global naming conventions

 Forwarded-by: Arthur Hlavaty <> wrote:
> Many of you may know (but why you all should care, I
> haven't a clue) that my illustrious employer, Price
> Waterhouse, is in the process of merging with Coopers
> & Lybrand, to create the world's biggest consultancy.
> We will be advisors to the world's largest, wealthiest,
> and most powerful compoanies. We control the vertical.
> We control the horizontal. Do not adjust your set.
> White collar armies of the world, lend me your ears!!
> Bwahaahahahaha!!!
> [Back to the regularly scheduled program:]
>   In the pipe for months, now that they have regulatory
> approval from all the "important" governments of the
> world, they've told all of us who have been waiting
> with bated breath what the _new_name_ will be.
> --  Did they take the opportunity to create something
> new and interesting?
> --  Did they stay the traditional route, and just call
> it Price Waterhouse, Coopers & Lybrand ??
> --  Did they simply abbreviate it to PWCL,
> following KPMG's (Peat Marwick) example?
> No, no, and no.
> They went with some weird compromise, trying to
> keep the PW name together, give semi-equal footing
> to both firms, and try to retain whatever kind
> of brand recognition they can.
>   The new name??   PricewaterhouseCoopers.

This is an improvement. The last time two of these big firms merged, they
had about a dozen names to choose from, and they picked the ones that
guaranteed they would be called Toilet & Douche.

	Re: Mondegreeniana

 Forwarded-by: "Stephen Nelson" <>

and no one mentioned the classic menage a trois from the Rascals:

	You and me and Leslie
	Just groovin ...

	Re: Mondegreeniana

 Forwarded-by: Sean Williams <>

And here's my current favorite:

"...and to the republic, for Richard Stans..."

	Re: The Comedian's-eye View of 06/09/98

 Forwarded-by: Chris Norloff <>

>    "Don't stand on the sidelines criticizing as a cold, timid soul who
>     has never understood the thrill of victory or the agony of defeat."
>			-William Ginsburg in a farewell-to-Lewinsky oration

Which he shamelessly took from Teddy Roosevelt, with no attribution.

	Re: Concerning your recent submission

Forwarded-by: Michael Travers <>
 Forwarded-by: Dan Hoey <Hoey@AIC.NRL.Navy.Mil>

Many feature-entenmanns and info-explorer readers will remember the letter
circulated here in March 1994 from the Smithsonian Institution rejecting
the submission of the head of a Malibu Barbie doll as a purported hominid
skull.  If not, you've probably seen it since then--it's become a staple of
the network's xerox-lore.  (Or ask some search engine for "Australopithecus

Harold Hubschman, who sent it to silent-tristero on 9 March 1994 (the
earliest sighting I'm aware of), mentioned that he was unsure of the
message's history, leaving open the possibility that it was a genuine letter
from the Smithsonian.  [Of course it appeared on Fun_People a little earlier
than that... -psl] I'll admit I've occasionally considered calling them up
to check on it.  That's no longer necessary, according to this posting from
Becca Ward on alt.folklore.urban:
February 3, 1997 Columbus (Ohio) _Dispatch_, "Call Off Search for Guy
Who Finds Back-Yard Fossils," by Mike Harden:

	Once upon a time, as the keepers of legends like to say, there was
	a nerdy oddball of a fellow up in Michigan.  He took a perverse sort
	of pleasure in making life difficult for the people who run the
	Paleoanthropology Division of the Smithsonian Institution.

	This fellow, it was said, would unearth "archaeological finds" in
	his back yard and send them to the Smithsonian for critical

	The friend who tipped me off to this iconoclast up in the tundra of
	Michigan included this letter sent to the amateur digger from one
	Harvey Rowe, curator of antiquities, Paleoanthropology Division,
	Smithsonsian Insitution: ...

        [pseudo-letter about Barbie-skull snipped]

Mr. Harden reports that he attempted to track down this fellow in
Charleston County, Michigan. First, Mr. Harden learned that there was no
Charleston County in Michigan.  He then checked the Smithsonian directory
for 1994, the year in which 'Harvey Rowe' reportedly rejected the Barbie
head as an ancient artifact:  "[A] fellow named Rowe worked there, but his
name was not Harvey and he didn't write a letter to anyone in Michigan."

As a wrap-up:

	My search for the man in Michigan ended in the office of Mary Combs,
	public affairs specialist for the Smithsonian.

	When I explained my search to her, the sigh of exasperation she
	loosed weighed 27 pounds.

	'That's something somebody invented and put on the Web as a joke.
	We don't know who did it.'

	Trying to squelch the Internet ruse apparently has been occupying
	more of Mary Combs' time than she would like.

        Too bad.

	I had formed a vivid mental image of this character up in Michigan
	who looks exactly like Seinfeld's neighbor, Kramer, wearing a 'Go
	Blue' ball cap, digging huge holes in his back yard and talking to
	himself about hominid finds.

        No, Virginia, he doesn't exist.

        But he sure makes for a great urban legend.

According to the newspaper, Mr. Harden would be reached at

Other journalists were not quite as careful with their fact-checking, though
acknowledging the tongue-in-cheekness of it all.  _See_ the _Sunday
Star-Times_, May 3, 1998, "Barbie turns institute on head," by Neville Stack
("I was going to check this one out, but I hadn't the heart to let the facts
spoil a good story which might even be true,"  reporting the same story
about a fellow in Charleston, South Carolina);  the _Observer_, December 7,
1997; Minneapolis-St. Paul _Star Tribune_, March 12, 1996, "Stuffy old
scientists pooh-pooh another breakthrough."

	Re: Mondegreeniana

Forwarded-by: <>
 Forwarded-by: John Farrell <>

This really happened on a gig when I was playing piano with a London based
jazz band - a drunken Irishman (he owned the club) asked us to play "Paddy
me boy". None of us had heard of it, but wanting to keep him sweet we asked
him how it went and he sang "Paddy me boy, is that the Chattanooga Choo
Choo.   .   .   "

	Re:  "take that you hostile sons of bitches"

 Forwarded-by: Vicki Rosenzweig <>

Copy editors don't *need* guns, true, but quite a few of us have wanted them
from time to time, usually after the umpteenth time of seeing someone form
the plural of an ordinary noun--like "tomato"--with 's. All in all, it is
probably just as well that most of us have no tool sharper than a colored

	Re: Excerpted: ShopTalk -- June 24, 1998

 Forwarded-by: Daniel Steinberg <>

>Monday's program included such topics as Tracey Ullman's loss of her
>dad and Tony Danza's newfound sense of mortality.

Now, if she'd interviewed Frank Sinatra on *his* newfound sense of
mortality, then it might be worth getting a TV for!

	Re: QOTD - 6/25/98 - Hooper

 Forwarded-by: Daniel Steinberg <>

>Musicians don't need guns.

says who??

	Re: QOTD - 6/25/98 - Hooper

 Forwarded-by: "Peter Rodes (SPS)" <>

> From: 	Peter Langston <>
> Forwarded-by: Anton Sherwood <>
>  "If government is legitimate, why does it need guns?  Mathematicians
> don't
>  need guns.  We think *they're* legitimate.  Physicists don't need guns.
>  Biologists don't need guns.  Musicians don't need guns.  Tool and die
> makers
>  don't need guns.  Copy editors don't need guns."
> 		-- Ken Hooper <>

Quite right. And, come to think of it, if trees are tall, why do they need
leaves?  Mountains don't need leaves.  We think *they're* tall.  The Eiffel
Tower doesn't need leaves. Smokestacks don't need leaves. Kareem
Abdul-Jabbar doesn't need leaves. Lighthouses don't need leaves.

	Re: QOTD - 6/25/98 - Hooper

 Forwarded-by: Eugene Volokh <>

Hmmm.  Government needs guns because *some* people think it's illegitimate
(or resist it even when they know it's legitimate).  If someone is charging
you with a knife, wouldn't you like to have a gun?  Even if you're
legitimate?  Yeah, I know it's a joke -- but the underlying point strikes me
as weak enough that it makes the joke considerably less funny.

	Re:  QOTD - 6/25/98 - Hooper


I take it the Mathematicians, Physicists, Biologists, Musicians, Tool and die
makers and Copy editors that don't need guns don't live in Washington DC...

	Re: MS Word "add-ons"

 Forwarded-by: (Robert P. Gremling)

Holy Pete!  The same is true of MS Works documents -- random information
from other files is sometimes added to Word Processor files.  The
information cannot be seen in MS Works but can be seen in Word Pad. What is
kind of alarming is that I write for hire, such as newsletter stories that
I provide to clients in a file for conversion to Mac desktop publishing!

	NT sucks too!

 Forwarded-by: Dan Hunt <>

Government Computer News is an IT trade rag for government computer jockeys.
It is normally boring: administrative computing, databases, Windows,
networks, telecom.

Normally, I am less than excited by such things, but recently things got
hilarious.  For last several months, the section on Dept. of Defense
featured a thread about US Navy's plans to use NT as the computing
infrastructure for its fleet. A typical article might be titled "Service
picks Windows NT as a de facto standard OS for its networks and PCs":

Ok, so far so good. This week's issue (July 13, 1998) (not yet online, as
of tonight) has a reality check:

        "Software glitches leave Navy SmartShip dead in the water"

and it proceeds to describe how an Aegis-class missile cruiser, USS
Yorktown, lost the control of its propulsion system, leaving it sitting dead
in the water. The controls use a dual PPro running NT 4.0 plus LAN consoles
(?) on a fiber-optic network. The failure was apparently caused by bad data
in the control database, causing a divide-by-zero error in the database
application, which somehow propagated through the OS and ended up crashing
the LAN.

The article proceeds to quote engineers working on the program, revealing
numerous 'shutdowns that resulted from NT'. In the context of an ongoing,
mandated change from Unix to NT, a deputy technical director in the program,
Ron Redman, sees the bright side of things:  "Although Unix is more
reliable, [...], NT may become more reliable with time".

	Re: nothing in particular

    A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two
locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.  "That's what I like
to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
    As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, the father
sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing, does he?"

	Re: Jimmy Driftwood fires his last gun


>Forwarded-by: Jef Jaisun <>
>Reported by CSB News (0400 7/13):
>Jimmy Driftwood, who wrote Johnny Horton's 1960 hit "The Battle of New
>Orleans," died yesterday in Fayetteville, AR at the age of 91. Driftwood
>reportedly wrote the song's lyrics as a history lesson for a high school
>class, then set the words to music.

Sad to hear this. His day gig, BTW, was as a  school principal. And let's
not forget his other big tune: Tennessee Stud.

Best, Joe

(And Jeff, the necrology is all well and good, but let's have some "balanced
coverage" for a change, OK? How come you never notify us when any music
greats are *born*??)

	Re: Final thoughts on Morse code and all the ships at sea

 Forwarded-by: Mark James <>

>    Tap out an SOS for Morse code. At least as far as ships at sea are
>concerned, it is going down for the last time. As of Feb. 1, 1999, all
>passenger ships and all cargo ships of 300 gross tons or more will no longer
>use Morse code for distress calls, relying instead on the global satellite
>communications system that has all but taken its place under an
>international agreement.

Gee, what are they going to do in 18 months?

There isn't a single GPS system anywhere that is Y2K compliant. According
to Gary North, a Y2K expert who claims to know about such things, they
won't be ready by then, either.

Might be interesting for any new pilots who don't learn it!

	Re: Microsoft disables navy ship

 Forwarded-by: Wayne Radinsky <>

I really freaked last week when a friend of mine said he knew about a
nuclear power plant that was using Windows NT.  After a bit of discussion
it became clear that they were not using NT for control of the reactor, only
for less critical tasks.  It still worries me that someone would even
consider running NT in a nuclear power plant.  It is in conneticut and I am
never going near conneticut.


	Re: microsoft anecdote

Forwarded-by: Jack Keith <>
Forwarded-by: Ron Legro <>
 Forwarded-by: Dave Haynie <>

Every so often, Microsoft comes up with a new "domination stategy", a way
to, ultimately, either take over a market (we'll just give away what Company
X, the leader, sells as their flagship product) or get you to buy more
software from them you don't really want (assuming you use any).

This is why new version of MS-Word have new file formats (you get New Word
with New PC, folks in your company exchange documents and before you know
it, you have to upgrade Old PC to New Word and, perhaps, New OS).

The latest spin, revealed by one of my best MS contacts, is terribly
insidious, though on the surface it sounds almost innocent. The basic
premise is: Microsoft is switching from their proprietary .HLP file format
to HTML, and they're encouraging all developers to do so as well.

Now scratch the surface of that seemingly innocent move. You'll find the
new document format isn't normal HTML, but HTML with some Microsoft
proprietary format and compression, only read by Internet Explorer
4.something. You'll also see that Microsoft developer documentation no
longer comes in paper, but only in this format. So every developer is forced
to run IE4.x or, given all the bugs that entails, Windows 98.

But, you might think, couldn't developers opt for normal HTML? Right you
are, they could, it would work. And it's well known just where in the
Microsoft Certification Queue that'll land you. So it's impractical. So all
new documentation sent out by all other companies on Windows will, sooner
or later, adopt this new format. Which you can't read without IE4.0, which
kills your system stability under Windows 95. So you're virtually forced to
upgrade to Windows 98, without any "gun to the head" even implied here,
since the program APIs (at least for a few months) are all still the same.

Those boys may be evil, but they do that part of it so well, it's like "car
crash as an artform".

	Re: esoteric complaint: (7 bit Ascii)

 Forwarded-by: Alan Ackerman <>

>At 06:07 PM 7/25/98 -0700, Alan Ackerman wrote:
>>If you want people to read what you post to mailing lists or news groups,
>>don't use HTML or MIME formats -- just use plain 7-bit ASCII text. Otherwise
>>you limit your audience and piss people off! (And you risk being subjected
>>to sermons like the this one.)
>It seems that almost all Windows and Mac users are able to read 8-bit ASCII
>text, which is handy, seaor, if you ever have to send messages with accents.
>After all, the raison d'Otre of the Internet is communication. ?What if I
>need to tell a story about giving my fiancOe a bottle of orange Curanao?
>Those accents come in pretty handy. !Viva 8-bit ASCII!
>Joel Rubinstein

Ooo, goody, this is going to be fun. (Until someone tells me to shut up,
anyway.) I consider myself a bit of an expert  on all this code-translation

Warning: techie talk ahead. If you don't like techie talk, just stick with
7-bit ASCII and don't read the rest of this message. It has nothing to do
with folk music, but a lot to do with communication.

I too like 8-bit ASCII. (I know at least a bit of French, German, and
Spanish.) That's one of the reasons I bought a Mac back in 1984.
Unfortunately, there isn't an ASCII 8-bit standard -- there are MANY of
them. (We love standards. That's why we have so many of them...)

The three common ones in this country are:
1. The PC-DOS standard. (Came out with the IBM PC.)
2. The Mac standard. (Came out in 1984 with the Mac.)
3. ISO Latin-1. (Which Windows 3.1 and later use.)

There are also many others (ISO Latin-2 thru Latin-9, several Cyrillic ones,
etc.) 8 bits (256 characters) just isn't enough for all those languages.

The solution, on the horizon, is called Unicode, a 16-bit code with room
for all (most?) of the world's languages. It's just starting to appear in
PC programs.

Until MIME and Unicode get more widespread, I recommend that postings to
mailing lists and news groups stick with 7-bit ASCII. Of course, that's not
a problem with private mail -- if you know your friend can read it, fire
away! I have a friend in Denmark, though, and it has taken us a while to
figure out how to communicate -- even in English.

In addition, even if the ends of the communication are OK, there are still
ASCII-7 systems out there (or maybe they are just misconfigured) and EBCDIC
systems, etc., and if your mail passes through such nodes, your ASCII-8
message can get badly corrupted. (I've seen many examples!) MIME is supposed
to fix this -- by translating everything to an ASCII-7 "code", then
translating it back at the other end. Unfortunately, I've gotten quite a
few messages full of  strings like =7E -- that means the message was in
"quoted printable" format, but some intermediate stage stripped out the
"MIME headers" that tell the recipient how to put it back. These nasties
are quite common on Usenet news groups. That's why I tell people to avoid

Alan Ackerman,

	Re: esoteric complaint: (7 bit Ascii)

 Forwarded-by: Alan Ackerman <>

>Joel said:
>> It seems that almost all Windows and Mac users are able to
>> read 8-bit ASCII text, which is handy, se1or, if you ever have
>> to send messages with accents. After all, the raison d'_tre of
>> the Internet is communication. _What if I need to tell a story
>> about giving my fianc_e a bottle of orange Cura`ao? Those
>> accents come in pretty handy. (Viva 8-bit ASCII!
>Sacre Bleu!  'Ow deed ee do zat?

Case in point -- the copy that Denis forwarded got to me containing the

seO`or, 	(O` = capital O with an accent grave)
d'I'tre,	(I' = capital O with an accent aigu)
o/What,	(o/ = small o with a slash through it)
 fiancE`e	(E` = capital E with an accent grave)
curaA'ao	(A' = capital A with an acent aigu)
"Viva	(" = a small superscript square, I think.)

In short , gibberish.

	Ladies Sing Along!

 Forwarded-by: Matthew Kleinosky <>

(tune:  Blessed Assurance or This is My Story)

 1.  (to be sung by fundamentalist southern baptist men only)
 Gracious submission, this is God's test;
 Ladies in shackles, Southern Baptists are best;
 Shining my shoes and fetching a beer;
 This is our faith; so do it, my dear.

 (to be sung by graciously submissive ladies only)
 Gracious submission, this is my song;
 Serving my husband all the day long;
 Gracious submission, this is my song;
 Kissing his butt and tagging along.

 2.(to be sung by men leaders and submissive ladies together)
 Patterson speaketh, Convention agrees;
 Paige is the prophet, we're down on our knees;
 Ladies are mothers, they work in the house,
 Serving their husbands, meek as a mouse.


 3. (to be sung by men household servant leaders only)
 Men should be leaders, that is the rule;
 Ladies should follow, it's so very cool;
 June Cleaver, the model, what a lady should be;
 The 50's were godly, as godly as me.


	Linux and Microsoft comparison

 Forwarded-by: (Jim Gillogly)

Peter -

Polly Sprenger wrote this in LANTIMES on 28 Jul 1998 in an article
ostensibly about Informix:

"In fact, I sat laughing snidely into my notebook until they showed me a PC
running Linux.

"And oh! It was as though the heavens opened and God handed down a client-
side OS so beautiful, so graceful, and so elegant that a million Microsoft
developers couldn't have invented it even if they had a hundred years and
a thousand crates of Jolt cola."

Cheers -

	Jim Gillogly

	Re: Steenkin' cash

> It is illegal to arrange one's affairs so as to avoid the reporting
> requirement - e.g., splitting a $10,000 cash deposit into two $5,000
> cash deposits.
> I don't know if it's only the financial institution that might be
> cited in such a case; I believe it is.

At least in casinos, breaking up a transaction to avoid a 10K report is
illegal for the customer as well.

An article in the Boston Globe magazine about money-laundering reported
on a nice piece of money-launderer slang. Breaking the million dollars
you want transferred into 110 $9000 pieces, and having 110 people each
transfer $9000 of it is called "smurfing", and the 110 people you hire
to do this are "smurfs"---little guys who all work together to
accomplish something big.

[It's also called "sloppy" since 110 transfers of $9,000 only handles
$990,000, leaving a rather large $10,000 tip.  How about 111.111 transfers of
$9,000?  Or 101 transfers of $9,900.99?  -psl]

	"Oprah With Nukes":  the London Independent on Monicagate

 Forwarded-by: <>

(From afar, some welcome perspective on the National Farce du Jour.  -jv)

Subject: London Independent on Clinton

"Voters have always been aware that Clinton is, as the Southern idiom has
it, a hard dog to keep on the porch.  And they don't care.  They have
prospered under his presidency.  They may even value his goatishness as an
antidote to all the prudery and prohibitionism that travels under the
'family values' rhetoric of both parties....

"That people have a right to the president they elected -- provided that he
is not guilty of a crime or misdemeanor far more serious than lying about
sex -- is a principle of incomparably greater importance in a democracy.
America ignores it at its peril."

David Aaronovitch - It's hard to swallow how trivial American politics has

CONTEMPLATING AMERICA this week has been like watching a gigantic edition
of The Jerry Springer Show. But instead of the usual procession of
dysfunctional representatives of the US underclass, falling over their own
blubber and ponytails in an attempt to knock five kinds of theatrical crap
out of each other, we have - up on stage (a big hand folks!) - Bill, Monica,
Ken Starr, Hillary, Linda Tripp and as many others as can be conceivably

Nor is the audience made up of the usual mischievous voyeurs, who enjoy
nothing better than to yell "whoarrr!" in mock horror whenever a fight looks
likely. No, this special show is being conducted entirely in front of a
hand-picked audience of sober-suited media commentators, columnists,
political journalists, presenters and editors. The strapline at the bottom
of the screen reads, "They Had Sex. Or Did They?"

This event is (unlike the alleged sex itself) both salacious and exhausting.
And clearly, for those in the audience, it is addictive. For what is truly
remarkable about the Monica Lewinsky affair is how the American people
themselves say "it isn't that important", and how most journalists seem to
come up with ever more ingenious arguments for why it is, in fact, the
biggest show in town. And why it should never, ever, end.

Certainly, there seems to be a wide agreement among pundits that Bill
Clinton's rather pathetic address to the nation on Monday night could not
represent the final stage of the drama. He had not been frank enough. Nor
had the President, apparently, answered all of Ken Starr's detailed
questions earlier about exactly what he and Miss Lewinsky had done.

This, you see, was important when establishing whether Mr Clinton had
grounds for saying that what happened did not constitute a sexual
relationship. He should, said the broadsheet press (both here and over
there), have answered these questions candidly.

Really? Reading the gossipy Drudge Report on the Internet this morning, I
came across this line: "The DRUDGE REPORT has learned that Monica Lewinsky,
when asked by prosecutors if the president performed 'cunnilingus' on her,
responded by saying she did not know what the word 'cunnilingus' meant."
Perhaps Ken Starr asked Mr Clinton the same question. Or perhaps the
independent counsel asked the President, in detail, about the suggestion
that Bill had allowed Monica to fellate him for a while, and had then
procured his own climax while the chubby intern danced a little Salome
number on the Oval Office carpet.

It could be that their conversation turned to the propulsive qualities of
the presidential semen, and its capacity for landing far away. Anyway, Mr
Clinton refused to answer such queries, labelling them as "intrusive",
whereas the conventional wisdom is that he should have replied candidly.

Let us not forget why all this semen and cunnilingus stuff is supposed to
matter. In 1991, before he was elected, Mr Clinton probably (though he
denies it) showed his willy to a woman called Paula Jones in a hotel
bedroom. She did not want to see it, told him so, and he put it away again.
Several years later she filed a case against him for sexual harassment, and
subpoenaed everyone that might have had any carnal knowledge of him. Enter
Linda Tripp bearing tapes, enter Monica Lewinsky, enter Clinton's evasion
(or lie) to the Paula Jones grand jury.

Jones's case - a civil one - was dismissed, not because of Clinton's
testimony, but because the allegation did not amount to harassment. But by
now Ken Starr was on the case. If Clinton had fibbed then, he was a
perjurer. If he had attempted to get Monica to fib, then he was suborner.
So, despite the fact that the original case had come to nothing, despite
the fact that the Monica relationship was (according to her) consensual, if
Ken could show that there had been knobbing, then he had his man by the
short and curlies.

A Martian, landing on earth at this point, might wonder at the sanity of
the whole business. Indeed, an American landing in Washington might wonder
the same thing. I am not going to go into the question of whether lying in
court about your consensual sexual relationships constitutes perjury or not.
If it does, then it's a perjury that many decent people would commit, and
feel themselves entitled to commit. Most Americans know this, even if the
press doesn't.

They also know that several good American presidents have strayed, some far
more egregiously than Bill. And they no more expect to judge presidents by
their lower body polkas, than they query the world-renowned surgeon who
ogles the anaesthetist, or the skilled pilot with a girl in every airport.
But, according to the press, they haven't truly understood.

In yesterday's Washington Post, for instance, the comment was universally
unfavourable to Clinton. Columnist David Broder encapsulated the argument
when he disputed Clinton's claim that it was nobody's business. "Would that
it were so," intoned Broder, piously. "But he made it our business - the
nation's burden - first by showing utter disrespect for the high office he
holds, and second by refusing all this time to do what he alone could do:
clear up the matter."

Broder even invoked a previous crisis. "He [Clinton] not only lied to Paula
Jones's lawyers, he lied to the public and to his closest political
associates, and implicated the leaders of his party and his government in
the deception. In all those respects, Clinton's behaviour is truly

This is such staggering rubbish, that it makes one despair. Nixon engaged
in a criminal conspiracy to burgle opponents, and to cover up the results.
He and Kissinger also connived at the secret destruction of Cambodia, the
overthrow of the democratically elected government of Chile, and the
unnecessary bombing of North Vietnam. Other presidents waged secret war
against Cuba, organised the military removal of the progressive and elected
government of Guatemala (with the consequence of the deaths of many
thousands of innocent people), fabricated the Gulf of Tonkin incident, and
-latterly - permitted Contragate.

And this litany of presidential sins is supposed to be less serious than
fibbing about muff-diving? Well, yes. At least one serious article in a
major British broadsheet newspaper seemed to suggest yesterday that Clinton
has showed himself to be unfit for the presidency, by reason of having sex
with Monica Lewinsky yet "not reciprocating any affection or desire".

This is the excuse of the trivialiser everywhere, the alibi of the TV
executive who cuts the current affairs programme, and brings in yet another
"people show". Clinton's tortuous tergiversations have a parallel in those
of the press, who have been happily complicit in this heroic trivialisation
of politics. Forget the difficult, intractable problems, the ones where
lives hang in the balance. Forget the Congo. Forget the environment. As the
planet heats up, there's only one kind of emission control that they're
interested in.

The issue, we're now told (having passed through fraud, perjury and
cover-up), is "character". And so it is. Once the Soviet Union was dubbed
"Upper Volta with missiles". Today the US is Oprah with nukes.

	Re: So now we're back to flammable pajamas?

 Forwarded-by: Barbara Millikan <>

When was the last time you slept in polyester pjs?

I mean, I suppose you sleep bare, but it sure frosted me that I couldn't
put my baby in cotton sleepware that breathed. You know how sticky you get
in a polyester shirt, you know why underwear is mostly cotton?
So I put my kid to bed in a diaper, period. No babies in your life? It's
really handy to be able to package them in one piece comfortable things,
but you can't buy any of those made of cotton because people might use them
as sleepware.

So when I had a baby, I made cotton clothes for her.

And where are these people putting their kids to sleep where they catch
fire? And, polyester is much better, it *melts* instead of burning, giving
off toxic fumes as it does. Most people die in fires because they suffocate
from the fumes *before* they are fatally burned. That's what they taught us
in the fire department, anyway.

So where do these cotton statistics come from?

I suppose the polyester industry doesn't have a lobby that puts out crap
like what you just sent me?

Got me on this one. Really frys me that people buy this line without
thinking it through.

Bet you hear from a bunch of folks.

But Peter, I am glad you're back sending things out again. I wondered what
had happened to you (besides PSGW of course).


	Re: It's easier to port a shell than a shell script. -- Larry Wall

 Forwarded-by: (Tom Parmenter)

There was an Apple moment similar to this MicroSoft moment.

Yet another product manager was standing front of yet another meeting.
This product manager was asserting that his product was object-oriented.

"I don't see how you can say that it is object-oriented if it doesn't have
garbage collection," came the question from the back of the room.

"Well, who can say what's object-oriented and what's not?"

"I guess I can," said Alan Kay.  "I invented it."

The great thing is that I'll bet neither one of these stories is an urban
legend, that they both happened.

	Re: Possibilities Abound as Barbie Turns 40

 Forwarded-by: Buz Owen <ado@BBN.COM>

>>Possibilities Abound as Barbie Turns 40

Could it be that your correspondent didn't think of "Liposuction Barbie"?
Unlikely.  Perhaps you just trimmed it of the end of your message in the
interest of good taste?  This tristeran demands full disclosure - taste be

	Lewinski-inspired oral sex euphemism

 Forwarded-by: (Tom Duff)

Bill me.

	As Rudyard Kipling would say re: Clinton/Starr

 Forwarded-by: (Peter Dobkin Hall)

"A woman is just a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke."

	Re: Equal Time for the Republican Party?

 Forwarded-by: God <>

   Chenoweth said, "I've asked for God's forgiveness, and I've received it."

Just for the record, she has asked forgiveness, in a pitiful whining sort
of way, but I have not granted it.  She has also asked for My intervention
in various aspects of her political and financial destiny, but considering
the number of times she has taken My name in vain, I am not favorably


	Re: SBUFs -- Suspicious But Useless Facts

 Forwarded-by: (Albyn Jones)

> * Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."
pine eye?

> * Hacky-sack was invented in Turkey.


	Re: SBUFs -- Suspicious But Useless Facts

 Forwarded-by: "Tom Duff" <>

On Sep 15,  9:17pm, Peter Langston wrote:
> * Sheriff came from Shire Reeve. During early years of monarchial rule in
>   England, each shire had a reeve who was the law for that shire. When the
>   term was brought to the United States it was shortned to Sheriff.

Good story, but only half true -- remember the Sheriff of Nottingham?
The OED has sheriff descending from the Old English scirgerefa
(approximately, I can't reproduce the orthography in ASCII), which itself
was compounded from scir (SHIRE) + gerefa (REEVE).  There are citations
dating back to 1034, a few years before the founding of the United States.

> * The silhouette on the NBA logo is Jerry West

Believed to be.  I have heard Jerry West say that he's been told it's
*probably* him -- apparently the designer is unavailable for comment.  (Of
course, I'm no more authoritative on this than your original correspondent.)

	Re: useless facts

Forwarded-by: "" <>
 Forwarded-by: Bill Steele <>

>* Dracula is the most filmed story of all time, Dr.
>Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is second and Oliver Twist is third.

I don't have anything to back this up other than my status as an old-movie
freak, but I suspect this statement is based on listing every movie with
"Dracula" in the title, most of which are not versions of the Bram Stoker
novel. By this standard, the most-filmed story would be "Charlie Chan."

Off the top of my head, I would go for "The Most Dangerous Game," which has
been done many times with a variety of settings and characters. Some
Shakespearean plays may also qualify.

	Re: Alexia Massalin: Re: Useless `facts'

Forwarded-by: "" <>
 Forwarded-by: "David 'Pablo' Cohn" <>

My understanding from the URL [you cite]: according to Richter's original
(rather arbitrary) scale, each unit is an increment of 10 times the
movement, which translates to roughly 32 times the energy. Translating that
into "power"... ummm.

And I must've been nuts on the "pecan fruit" thing - it's the cashew I was
thinking of.  See
<> for details.

[Which is copyrighted, so I won't reproduce it fully here.  However,
 it says, among other things, that native Brazilians were blind, which
 is news to me, so I'll excerpt some of it. -Pardo]

    The first sighting of the cashew tree was by the Portuguese as
    they invaded Brazil in the 1500's. Portuguese seamen brought
    the seeds of the cashew nut tree from Brazil to be planted by
    the early settlers along the east coast of Africa. The trees
    took root and thrived. It was not long before cashew trees
    were growing wild along the entire coast of Mozambique. They
    spread to Kenya and Tanzania.

    Uncared for and uncultivated, the ripe nuts were primarily
    harvested by the African natives. Later, they were sold to the
    Portuguese traders who in turn disposed of them to merchants
    who then shipped the nuts to India where they were shelled.

                   Eventually, India grew their own cashew tree and
                   the Kerala State (India) Cashew Association is
                   now the largest exporter of cashews in the
                   world. Forteleza, Brazil, ships the second
                   largest quantity of cashews and the two areas
                   represent over 80 percent of the world supply
                   which is around 4 million cases (50 pounds per
                   case). Africa is a distant third. The India crop
                   harvests in May and the Brazilian crop harvests
                   in October.

    The Cashew Tree

    Cashew trees flourish in extreme heat in the tropics and are
    readily found near the equator. The tree isn't more than 30
    feet tall (like an apple or cherry tree) and often they are
    mistaken for bushes because the limbs spread easily, strike
    the ground, and reroot themselves. The trunk is gnarled and
    tortuous, giving the tree an unkempt appearance.

    The Cashew Apple

    The highly unusual cashew fruit consists of both a crab apple
    (called the cashew apple), and a kidney bean shaped appendage
    on the end of the fruit called the cashew nut. The apple is
    shaped like and is the same size as a pear; when ripe, it is a
    brilliant yellow, red or scarlet color. Like all fruit trees,
    a flower emerges and the nut grows from the center of the

    The receptor or "apple" is a later swelling between the flower
    and the nut - forming the cashew apple. After harvesting, the
    cashew apple keeps for only 24 hours before the soft fruit
    deteriorates. The cashew apple is not commercially important
    since it spoils quickly, but local people love the fruit. To
    harvest the nut, the ripe apple is allowed to fall to the
    ground where it is easily gathered by natives. The apple and
    nut are separated.

    The gray/brown cashew nut hangs like a nose at the end of the
    cashew apple. The nut shell is 1-1/2 inches long and kidney
    shaped. The nut is found on the end closest to the cashew
    apple. The other end is honeycombed with cells. These cells
    contain a toxic resinous fluid called cardol that blisters the
    mouth. For many years, the cashew was referred to as the
    blister nut.

    Inside the hard shell is a slightly curved white cashew kernel
    which is about 7/8 inches long and is wrapped in a thin brown
    skin called a testa which is removed during the processing.
    The cashew nut, therefore, has two shells - the hard exterior
    shell and the testa.

    Processing the Cashew Kernel

    There are two ways to remove the cashew shell,
    the inside fluid and the thin brown skin.
    Washing the raw nut in a water bath and
    storing it in moist heaps or silos for 12
    hours makes the shells brittle as long as they
    maintain 7% to 10% humidity. The shell will
    rupture and liberate cardol fluid.

    The older method is to roast the whole nut in shallow pans
    over an open charcoal fire with constant agitation. The
    process was used in native marketplaces and was dangerous and
    disagreeable. Shells burst, spurting the caustic fluid and
    releasing clouds of acrid fumes which blistered the skin. At
    the same time, the heat caused the caustic fluid to dissipate.

    Modern extraction methods are to put the nuts in a large
    perforated cylinder which rotates at a declining angle above
    the heat. As the nut travels down through the roasting
    cylinder, the liquid flows from the shell and is collected in
    troughs and commercially sold. Some kernels get scorched
    because they become overheated near the bottom of the pile.
    These become second and third grades in quality. As the nuts
    emerge from their journey, they are water sprayed and set
    aside to cool and dry.

    Nut cracking in small batches is done manually by native
    laborers. They place the nut on a hard flat stone and crack
    the brittle shell, hitting it with a wooden mallet.

	Re: Car Rental Taxes in Washington

 Forwarded-by: "Stephen Nelson" <>

Peter, setting aside the issue of the absurdity of public financing of
private enterprises, I believe there are a couple of factual errors in this

1.  Cost overruns on the Mariners stadium are the resonsibility of the
Mariners - and they promptly ponied up.

2.  I believe that financing of the Seahawks stadium includes paying off
the existing Kingdome bonds.  The Kingdome will be torn down when the
football stadium is completed.

	Re: SBUFs -- Suspicious But Useless Facts


>* Roberta Flack wrote "Killing Me Softly" about singer Don McLean.

Suspicious indeed:  Roberta indeed had the hit, but it was in fact written
in 1973 by the duo of lyricist Norman Gimbel (Bluesette, Canadian Sunset,
Girl From Ipanema and many other bossa adaptations) and TV theme maven
Charles Fox (Happy Days, Love Boat, I Got a Name etc.)

The song was adapted from a poem by a folk performer named Lori Lieberman,
who in fact, had written some lines in admiration of Don McLean, whom she'd
seen at the Troubadour one night in '72. Lieberman had the original
recording, which Roberta Flack heard while searching for any of her *own*
tunes on the in-flight music on a jet to New York. She reportedly spent 8
months reworking the harmony, tempo and arrangement and wound up with a #1
record for Atlantic in 1973.

Sources: Shannon and Javna, Behind the Hits, Warners, 1986
	Jacobs, Who Wrote That Song, Betterway, 1988

	Re: SBUFs -- Suspicious But Useless Facts

 Forwarded-by: (Frank Kearney)

A small point, but Newfoundland, being further to the east, is in fact
half an hour AHEAD of Atlantic Standard time.

Frank Kearney
Born a Newfie

	Re: SBUFs -- Suspicious But Useless Facts

 Forwarded-by: (Cal Herrmann)

A comment on one item (clipped below, Cinderella):

Pantoufles are the slippers one wears inside of wooden shoes, which one
wears outside in bad weather.  One can of course dance in the soft
Vaire is a squirrel fur: being a natural product it did not revert at midnight.
Also vaire is a symbol in heraldry.  Thus it constitutes a code that the
prince understood, that Cinderella was of noble birth, thus a possible
marriage candidate.  Since the stepmother was a commoner, and the step
sisters, they would not have recognized the symbol.  Was the 17th century
translator also a commoner?!
A children's story book that I had gotten for my kids in France has the
vaire version, I noted that it was published in Italy.
Cal Herrmann (your goodies are forwarded to me by Lani, thanks for them!)

	Re: SBUFs -- Suspicious But Useless Facts

 Forwarded-by: Robert.Reynolds@directory.Reed.EDU (Robert Reynolds)

--- You wrote:
  Making a random check I find that "suum" is in the Oxford English Dictionary
 and the example they give is from Shakespeare...  -- psl]
--- end of quote ---
. . . and if they don't admit it, we'll suum!

	Re: The Comedian's-eye View of 9/17/98

 Forwarded-by: Robert.Reynolds@directory.Reed.EDU (Robert Reynolds)

--- You wrote:
 The Polls Made Him Do It: At a prayer breakfast, Bill Clinton confessed that
 he was a sinner. "Well, of course! He's a lawyer and a politician." (Gary
--- end of quote ---
Is that another Pollish joke?

	Re:  SBUFs -- Suspicious But Useless Facts


I have seen these before.  I am compelled to correct, or add to, these
misconceptions (or generate more).

>* Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."
It actually means "pine seed or its kernel."  A pine nut.  Literally, it would
be "Pine Eye" rather than "pine head".  The latter would be "Pinotesta."

>* The infinity sign is called a lemniscate.
---Lemniscate (n.)  a plane curve generated by the locus of the point at which
a variable tangent to a rectangular hyperbola intersects a perpendicular from
the center to the tangent.  Formula:  r[squared]=2a[squared]cos[theta].
(Random House Dictionary of the English Language, p.1100)
It certainly LOOKS like an infinity sign.  The word comes from the Latin,
"adorned with ribbons."

>* Roberta Flack wrote "Killing Me Softly" about singer Don McLean.
It was written by Norman Gimbel and Charles Fox.  Yes, I have this on a CD.

>* The names of all the continents end with the same letter that they start
>  with, e.g. Asia, Europe, Australia.
Yeah, and North americA, South americA.  Yeah, okay, AmericA .  Anyway, it's
true only in some languages... my people called their continent EuropA if they
ever called it at all.

Gee, that was fun!  And I wonder why I feel at a loss for time.

	Re: Fw: Interesting Facts

Forwarded-by: "Judy Webster" <>
 Forwarded-by: Michelle LaFrance

 USELESS FACTS (This month: Universal Truths)

 The Earth, in its history, has been hit by at least 1 million meteors and
 gets heavier each day by tons as meteoric dust settles on it.

 Uranus is the only planet that rotates on its side.

 All totalled, the sunlight that strikes Earth at any given moment weighs
 as much as a large ocean liner.

 A solar day on Mercury, from sunrise to sunset, lasts about six Earth

 The Venus day is longer than the Venus year. The planet spins on its axis
 once every 243 Earth days and orbits the sun once every 224 Earth days.

 The moon is 1 million times drier than the Gobi Desert.

 The largest volcano known is on Mars: Olympus Mons, 370 miles wide and
 79,000 feet high, is almost 3 times higher than Mount Everest.

 Saturn has a density lower than water - if there was a bathtub large enough
 to hold it, Saturn would float.

 Even though the tail of a comet can extend to great lengths - greater even
 than the distance from the Earth to the sun - there is so little matter
 contained in the tail that it could fit into an ordinary suitcase.

 On January 3 the Earth is about 3 million miles closer to the sun than it
 is on July 4.

 It would take 850,000 years for an Apollo spacecraft, at its Earth-moon
 speed, to reach Alpha Centauri, the nearest star system to our sun -- 4.3
 light years away.

 Since its discovery in 1930, Pluto has had time to cover only about 20% of
 its orbit. The last time it was in its present position was before the
 American Revolution.

 Just 20 seconds' worth of fuel remained when Apollo 11's lunar module
 landed on the moon.

 Jupiter is more than two-and-a-half times larger than all the other planets

 It would take more than one million Earths to match the total volume of
 the sun.

 The rings of Saturn are about ten miles thick.

 Since the moon has no atmosphere, footprints left there by astronauts will
 remain visible for at least ten million years.

 Each day is 0.00000002 seconds longer than the one before because the Earth
 is gradually slowing down.

	Re: SBUFs -- Suspicious But Useless Facts

 Forwarded-by: (Tom Parmenter)

>* A person from the country of Nauru is called a Nauruan; this is the only
>  palindromic nationality.

Indian language and race, if not nationality:  Malayalam

	Re: Starr's 60 Minutes quote

Forwarded-by: "" <>
Forwarded-by: <>
 Forwarded-by: the front page of the Wall Street Journal

[Washington Wire]
September 25, 1998

Washington Wire

STARR REMARKS supposedly made on "60 Minutes" in 1987 hit the Internet:
"Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex
acts" from "perverts" pretending "some redeeming social value under the
public's right to know." But Starr wasn't on the show, CBS says.
And bear in mind, the WSJ's Washington bureau, which produced the above, is
run by Clinton-supporter Al Hunt.  The clip is *not* from their single-
mindedly anti-Clinton editorial page.


	Re: Remembering the Hollywood Squares

Forwarded-by: (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
Forwarded-by: (Alfred J Correira)

 Due to a certain popularity of the recent Hollywood Squares missive, a
 roving correspondent who shall remain nameless has found more zingers
 from our beloved Paul Lynde.


 When Stanley asked his famous question "Dr. Livingston, I presume?"
 Dr. Livingston made a less famous reply. What was it?
 -"Kiss me"

 During the War of 1819, Capt. Oliver Perry made the famous statement,
 "We have met the enemy and..." And what?
 -'They are cute.'

 True or false: John Davidson's first date when he came to Hollywood
 was Annette Funicello?
 -Wasn't everybody's

 According to the Los Angeles Herald Examiner, whenever Mrs. Ronald
 Reagan gets mad, she sits in the bathtub and talks to someone. Who?
 -George Murphy

 In the popular children's Mother Goose rhyme, what did the pussy cat
 do under the queen's chair?
 -Numero uno

 When a dog is happy that you've just arrived home, he'll wag his tail.
 What will a goose do?
 -Make him bark.

 Advice columnist Ann Landers says that when she hears those
 "four-letter words" in mixed company, they make her feel a certain
 way. What way is that?
 -All tingly.

 According to French Chef Julia Child, how much is a pinch?
 -Just enough to turn 'er on.

 According to recent studies at Stanford, is there anything inside a
 woman's body that makes her tend to cry more than men?
 -Yes, triplets!

 Can guinea pigs whistle?
 -Only when they come to a boil.

 Connie Stevens shares something she uses in her nightclub act with her
 ex-husband, Eddie Fisher. Eddie is now using it in his act. What is
 -A sequin pants suit.

 Should you be gentle when trying to awaken an elephant?
 -I just leave peanuts on the dresser and tip-toe out.

 When the Doris Day Show starts, Doris comes down a staircase, smiles a
 big smile, and then says three words which helped make her famous.
 What are these three words?
 -"Don't touch me!"

 Source: Zingers from the Hollywood Squares, edited by Gail Sicilia,
 New York: Popular Library, 1974.

	The speech Bill Maher thought the President should have given

Forwarded-by: <>

[This is apparently the speech Bill Maher thought the President should have

My fellow Americans, I have just spent six hours doing a very difficult,
almost impossible thing - explaining sex to Ken Starr.  I have answered all
of his questions.  Now I have one of my own.

Did this really happen?

Did I really work my ass off my whole life to become leader of the free
world only to be lashed to the stake of adultery by a grand inquisitor who
nobody ever voted for?

I balance the budget.

I preside over an unimpeachable era of peace and prosperity, but then you
want to take me down for fibbing about diddling an intern in a thrown-out
civil case by a woman whose gripe was she saw my weenie in the disco era?

Are you people kidding me?

And now you want an apology?

I don't think so.

But I'll tell you what I am sorry about - I'm sorry that for the service I
do around here 24-7, the tail I did manage to get wasn't better.

I ain't Marv Albert over here, all right?

And while we're at it, let's cut out this crap about this not being about

If I hear that one more time, there's going to be a stain on somebody?s
clothes and it's gonna be blood.

Look, I'm sorry Ken Starr can't get laid.

I'm sorry wives don't like giving oral sex.

I'm sorry I'm a flesh-and-blood human being in need of some affection and
release in what some might consider a high-stress job.

And by the way, next time one of our embassies explodes or the Asian markets
need a little hand-holding, remember who thought it was more important that
I spend my time telling a jury about my penis.

Oh, I forgot, it's not about sex.

Yeah, right, it's about lying.

Well, grow up.

People lie about sex.

And nobody else in the world lapses into a police state over it.  Of course
if you empower a special persecutor to stray into sexual behavior, you will
create perjury crimes.

But come on, what guy hasn't lied about doing a fat chick?

If that makes me a criminal, take me away right now.

But I also go as a victim of treason, because what else is it when an
unconstitutional fourth branch of government conspires by endless legal
harassment to overthrow a President twice elected by the people, the real
and only source of political legitimacy?

And so, as I go off to prison, I thank the people for the 70% approval

And to those many others who feel their curiosity about my personal life
has blossomed into a right, who feel that the fate of the Republic is so
dependent on me fessing up, let me, as a final gesture of grace, give you
what you want.

You want the truth?

You want to know what I really think?

Well, here it is.

The bitch gives great fucking head.

Thank you and goodnight.

	Note to self: get cable TV removed.

Forwarded-by: Rob Mayoff <>
Forwarded-by: Curt Finch <>

Erotic TV station offers Lewinsky $1 million

LONDON (Reuters) - A British erotic cable television station said on
Wednesday it had offered Monica Lewinsky $1 million to endorse a new series
reconstructing the full intimate details of her affair with president Bill

The Fantasy Channel said in a statement that it wanted the former White
House intern to give her backing to a six-part series on the affair, to be
called "The Clinton Files".

"As a complete and faithful reconstruction, every erotic part of independent
prosecutor Kenneth Starr's report, from the cigar to the crutches to the
skirt, is comically captured and will be shown in graphic detail using
dangerously close look-alikes who will bare all," it said.

"The Clinton Files" will be shown in two months' time and will be released
on video in Europe and the United States in time for Christmas, the channel

	Twas The Night Before Crisis

Forwarded-by: (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
Forwarded-by: "Roberts, Robin" <>

 Twas the night before crisis,
 And behind White House doors,
 Not a creature was stirring,
 Especially Al Gore.

 The interns were nestled,
 Dressed in their berets,
 In hopes that Saint Bubba
 Would come out to play.

 When on the East Lawn,
 There arose such a clatter,
 Even Sam Donaldson
 Lost control of his bladder.

 Away to our TVs
 We flew like a flash,
 There's a special report,
 And it's pre-empting M*A*S*H!

 And what to our wondering
 Eyes should appear,
 But a homely lil' troll,
 With tapes for us to hear.

 With a K-Mart bought blazer,
 And a bad frizzy 'do,
 And a tale to be told-
 To me, and to you.

 On the chair! On the carpet!
 On the Oval Office desk!
 With a chubby young intern,
 Who was all eyes and chest.

 The Pres had been careless,
 Indeed, dumb and dumber.
 Now the whole world knew
 Bubba Had gotten a hummer.

 And Monica Lewinsky
 Emerged from the rubble,
 If she'd just kept her mouth shut,
 We'd not have all this trouble.

 And thus set in motion,
 A whole web o' spiders,
 With pundits galore,
 And "White House insiders.

 You ask, "Who would care
 About Bill and his penis?"
 Republican Ken Starr,
 And he's armed with subpoenas!

 More rapid than eagles,
 Process servers, they flew!
 "Here's one for you!
 And for you! And you, too!"

 "Now Jordan! Now Cockell!
 Is there anyone else?!?
 Let's subpoena the lawyers!
 And Bubba himself!!"

 "We want you to tell us
 About Bill's private life,
 And anyone he sleeps with,
 'cept, of course, his wife."

 And many months later,
 After long we've all suffered,
 Let's examine more closely
 Just what Starr's uncovered.

 We've learned "Little Bill"
 Has a mind of his own,
 And - horror of horrors -
 He likes to get blown!

 A funny fact surfaced, After 40 million bucks:
 Seems most people don't care
 Just who Clinton, er, makes love to.

 The economy's great,
 And shows no signs of slowing.
 Hell, we hope Ms. Lewinsky
 NEVER stops blowing!

 Now the public's grown weary.
 Will this sleaze never end?
 We just want to get back
 To "E.R.", and to "Friends."

 Now Monica, Linda-
 And Ken Starr, you suck -
 Get the hell off my TV,
 Your 15 minutes are up.

	Re: Michael Moore Newsletter #11


Hmm...lets want to demonstrate your disgust of people who stand on
principle alone, by urging everyone you know to unite with you in principle,
and expel all  the Republicans. Isnt that somewhat hypocritical ?
 Perhaps we should just abolish all laws and let you run the
 There are millions of media-puppets out there who might be simple-minded
enough to join your conspiracy driven campaign. But as for me, I can think for
myself, sir.

Michael Gaines

	Re: Michael Moore Newsletter #11


Susan and I just received a general forward of "Michael Moore's Newsletter
#11," which touches on what we have been sending to senators,
congressmembers, local politicians, and anyone who will listen.  Here is
the text we sent, for your thought -- we hope you will forward it, use it,
rework it, act on it, and give feedback to all concerned.

-- John Townley and Susan Wishbow

As we approach the Millennium, we find ourselves thrown into a dangerous
time of great changes and dark challenges that strike at the heart of the
freedoms we hold most dear and a system of government for which generations
have shed their blood.  While we watch in paralytic fascination the scandals
so carefully prepared by our elected and unelected public servants, the
affliction that threatens us is not just the leader without, but the leader

The ongoing disease that we are allowing to sap our very lifeblood is not
the moral dilemma of personal lies and adultery - they have always troubled
us privately and publicly, and always will - but the imminent loss of our
strength as a people and our willingness and determination to exert that
strength beyond all argument and resistance, the inner foundation of a free
nation. The leader within.

The current Presidential crisis is the wound that could at last be fatal,
not for moral reasons but for political ones. It is the final chapter in a
terrible conflict, a war waged upon us by those who would exploit our
respect for the law by telling us that we do not ourselves create and
control it. When our own public servants tell us they may simply remove the
only chief official elected by the entire nation, which that nation still
wants to retain, they put themselves above us who employ them to carry out
our will.  When Senators and Congresspersons publicly announce that they
will ignore the continuing mandate of the people, that they simply know
better than those who hire them, they vastly overstep their bounds.  It is
time for us to say no - and say it emphatically, intractably, and without
exception or retreat.

The people have been patient, too patient.

First, with the appearance of an unbridled inquisition that has usurped the
balance of power that keeps democracy fair and stable. A new, powerful
unelected branch of government with the sole purpose of systematic conflict
with those constitutionally put in power is unacceptable. We have paid too
long for this undoing by the recent institution of an independent
prosecutor, with loyalty to none of us.  It must be ended, at least in its
present form, now and forever.

Second, with the very nature of the institution of the grand jury, an
undemocratic tool that has its historic roots in the Dark Ages. Now that we
have seen it loosed without restraint,  it is time for it to be changed,
and to force the public servants who would call themselves leaders to do
so.  We are the leaders, not they, and they must be reminded of that fact
or be dismissed, by whatever means necessary. The track of these two
institutions, operating above the law and beyond the people, has revived
the tradition of McCarthy, Comstock, and Torquemada, and must be hateful to
all Americans, regardless of party. They are the antithesis of freedom, and
if they can take down a president supported by the people, we are next.
Each of us.

Third, by the misuse of our Constitutional safeguards against real peril in
the name of removing an elected president by other officials, for clearly
political motives, without the consent of the governed. This is not a
parliamentary democracy, it is a republic, and must remain so until and
unless we specifically say otherwise.

You say it can't happen here?  It is.  Right now. Worse, befuddled by the
technical arguments of the participants on both sides, we are allowing it.

We are told it is an issue of law and we have no say in it.  No, that is
wrong.  We are the makers of the law, and its remakers if we choose, and it
is time we regained that power and responsibility.

We are told by some, most peculiarly, that the President as Chief of the
Armed Forces should be subjected to the rules governing a private. No, we
don't live by martial law. At least not yet.

We are told by others that any corporate president who behaved personally
as the President has would be out of a job. In fact, we know that that is
rarely the case, if they continue to benefit the company.  On the other
hand, if middle management at IBM or Microsoft behaved like many in
Congress, they would all be sacked, and regularly are.

We are further insulted by suggestions that we are living some strange
double standard where we would exempt a president from impeachment in good
times but not bad.  We know, to the contrary, that we have rallied behind
our presidents, when they are doing their jobs, through the most horrendous
wars and depressions.  As long as they followed the people's lead.

We are the leaders.  This is a democracy.

At our times of greatest crisis, those who would follow the people's lead,
and thus be true leaders, have inspired this in us. They have not quit, but
have laid themselves, their careers, and their jobs on the line. And they
have done so while pursuing their mission - ours - at our command.

No one said it with more courage, selflessness, and more respect for us all
than that first of all Republican presidents, Abraham Lincoln, so bitterly
personally vilified by his political enemies, in his 1861 First Inaugural
at the very brink of our greatest constitutional crisis:

"This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it.
Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise
their CONSTITUTIONAL right of amending it, or their REVOLUTIONARY right to
dismember or overthrow it."

In this crisis Republican and Democrat must take this to heart and get on
with our business. We must speak, act, and show them no quarter if they do
not. We must take back the leader within. Our lives, our freedom, depend on

-- John Townley, Sea Cliff, NY

	Re: Michael Moore Newsletter #11

 Forwarded-by: "Dennis J. Rowley" <>

Dear Michael and others who consider his content humorous (or maybe not):

1) Yep, it's all so discouraging and stupid . . . but that's no reason to be

2) Since when is our constitution or legal processes determined by public
opinion polls?  Before you accept at face value those numbers so freely
distributed on the mass media why not ask yourself a few questions:  Where
were the polls taken?  (not here in the mid-west I can assure you).  What
was the exact wording of the questions . . . all the questions?  You see,
pollsters know that the questions you ask before the question you really
want an answer to can determine the slant of subsequent answers.  And the
way questions are phrased has always be recognized as a way of slanting the
outcome of the poll.

3) As the House of Rep. is following the law in "considering" the
possibility of impeachment, why do so many call it a subversion of the law.
The only subversion would be if they buckled under to the liberals who want
them to ignore the constitutional process the law requires they follow.

4)  I certainly agree that the best possible thing that could happen is for
every single registered voter to turn out to the polls and vote on November
3rd.  But to make a blanket statement as to how we should vote seems like
a major subversion of what a democratic republic is all about.  Funny, how
these same folks are the ones that are usually saying "I vote for the
person, not the party."

5)  Oh, and what would be wrong with a theocracy?  It certainly couldn't be
much worse that the trash we're putting up with in the Executive,
Legislative AND Judicial branches of our government today.  It won't happen,
but perhaps a little godly direction (or a lightning bolt or two) would give
a better result that hedonism.

6) Perhaps Michael can think of a "lot of reasons why Clinton should not be
President", but that a stained dress is not one of them.  Agreed.  But in
my mind lying to those who trusted him with the highest office in the land,
lying under oath, attempting to encourage perjury, threatening witnesses
and endangering the safety of all America because our enemies perceive the
Clinton Administration to be weak and ineffective . . . those ARE reasons
to at least conduct an inquiry.

7) And, oh-by-the-way, I'm really tired of hearing it referred to as the
"Lewinsky Affair".  It's the Clinton Affair . . . or don't you think the
most powerful man in the world had control over the situation.

Yes, enough is enough.

Dennis Rowley

	"Shut up," he explained.


> From: Christopher Leithiser <>
> ... "Shut up," he explained.  --Mickey Spillane

"'Shut up', he explained" isn't Mickey Spillane, it's Ring Lardner.
It occurs as the reply to the question "Daddy, are we lost?"

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