Fun_People Archive
26 Oct
Fun_People Updates 10/25/98

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 26 Oct 98 02:15:14 -0800
To: Fun_People
Precedence: bulk
Subject: Fun_People Updates 10/25/98

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649

    Here are some responses/comments relating to recent Fun_People postings...

Re: Press Release from Hell [Fun_People, 10/4/98]
From: Adam Shostack <>

Hey Peter,

      As someone else has probably told you, this is from TheOnion.
TheOnion is very good, and very funny, and you should read it so that
you can make sure the bits you forward from it are properly attributed.  New issue every Wednesday.


[Point taken; thanks.  -psl]

Re: Clinton, Lewinsky, Starr, Hyde, et al
Forwarded-by: <>
Subject: Seek and ye shall Hyde, Henry
 Forwarded-by: the Brattleboro (VT) Reformer, 10/8/98


by Marty Jezer

     Though the House Judiciary Impeachment Hearings may seem like high
comedy, those who are pushing it are deadly serious.  Not justice but next
month's election is what the Hearings are about.

     The impeachment charade is a brazen attempt by the Republican Right to
seize power. Though a House vote for impeachment is an assured partisan
outcome, the Republicans lack the votes in the Senate. The Hearings are thus
meant to keep Clinton's foibles in the headlines through Election Day in
order to help Republicans gain the necessary two-thirds Senate majority to
convict. In essence, the Hearings provide the Republican majority free
negative attack ads against the Democrats. We can expect the Republicans to
pour millions of dollars of soft money into Senate races.

     Should the Republicans win a two-thirds majority in the Senate, Clinton
will have to resign in order to escape being voted out of office.  The day
this happens, the GOP will start going after President Gore. The Speaker of
the House is next in line, and though a President Gingrich may be beyond
their reach, what they are after is the destruction of the Democratic Party
for the year 2000 election. Their goal is a Right Wing President and
Congress that would outlaw abortion; dismantle environmental protection;
bust labor unions; institute a flat tax which, under the guise of tax
simplicity, will greatly lower taxes on the rich and place a greater burden
on the middle class; send gays back into the closet; destroy public
education in order to provide tax money for religious indoctrination -- and
that's only the beginning.

     The idea of Henry Hyde sitting in judgement of anyone, much less Bill
Clinton, is beyond absurdity. Neither Jonathan Swift nor Lenny Bruce had
the satirical imagination to invent such a scenario. But what Hyde is doing
isn't funny. A man whose politics exist outside of moral bounds, he is

     Let's begin with character. Hyde has built his political career touting
so-called "family values." Yet for five years, while he was in his forties,
a state legislator, married and supposedly bringing up children, he kept an
apartment for sexual assignations with a married woman. Only when caught by
the aggrieved husband, Fred Snodgrass, did he end the relationship.  When
"outed" by Salon Magazine, he said "the statute of limitations has long
since passed on my youthful indiscretions," a disingenuous legalism that
might have come from the mouth of the President he is judging. He then
called on the FBI to investigate the Democrats for digging up dirt on him.

     But it was not the Democratic Party that did the digging. It was a
friend of the woman's husband who was outraged by Hyde's hypocrisy. The
article not only quotes the friend, and the husband, but it quotes the
woman, speaking through her daughter, as "fed up" with how "two-faced" Hyde
is. "She knows she wasn't his first and wasn't his last," the daughter said.
"She hates his anti-abortion stuff and all the family values stuff.  She
thinks he's bad for the country, he's too powerful and he's hypocritical."

     He sure is.

Being a tolerant kind of guy, I am quite willing to believe that Mr.  Hyde
learned something from his affair, or affairs -- though if he has, he hasn't
shown it. We all make mistakes in our personal lives -- and some of them
are bad. But Mr. Hyde doesn't grant President Clinton the right to make a
mistake or the possibility of repentance. Hyde, who once described the
family as "the surest basis of civil order, the strongest foundation for
free enterprise, the safest home for freedom," is determined to humiliate
and destroy the Clinton family, just as he destroyed the Snodgrass family
years ago.

     Henry Hyde, by his own account, was a Democrat until, apparently,
Eleanor Roosevelt got his goat. As he told the Washington Times, he became
a Republican out of concern for the influence of the "far left" on the
Roosevelt Administration, "especially Eleanor."  Now we know where Hyde is
coming from. As first lady, Eleanor served as the President's emissary to
the downtrodden of her time -- working people and their labor unions,
minorities, the poor, sharecroppers, the unemployed .... How Hyde must now
despise Hillary Clinton who, in her concern for the disadvantaged,
consciously models herself after Mrs. Roosevelt.

     Henry Hyde is best known for his opposition to abortion, even in
instances of rape and incest. Hyde bases his opposition on moral principles,
on his Catholic religion. Fair enough. But when Catholic leaders speak up
for economic justice, Mr. Hyde suddenly becomes not so Catholic. The Pope
has spoken eloquently on behalf of the poor and against the dog-eat-dog
values of free market capitalism. He has also spoken up passionately in
favor of nuclear disarmament and lower defense spending.  On every one of
these issues, Hyde has opposed the Church's position.

     Hyde never tires talking about family values. Divorce is often the
result of money problems, from two parents exhausting themselves to make
ends meet. But in opposing labor unions and a livable minimum wage, Hyde
denies working families the opportunity to lessen the economic pressure.

     Nowhere does Hyde's hypocrisy manifest itself more than in his support
of Republican military intervention in Central America. Here too he has
opposed the Catholic leadership which spoke up bravely for the cause of
non-intervention. Mr. Hyde attacks the President because he lied about his
private sex life.  Yet he admires Oliver North -- the darling of the
Christian Right -- precisely because he lied about his public life. Recall
that as a result of lying under oath during the Iran-Contra hearings, Oliver
North was convicted of obstructing justice, shredding documents, and
skimming Iran-Contra funds for his own personal use. (He was not, however,
indicted for his relationship with Fawn Hall). Though North's conviction
was overturned on a legal technicality, he admitted the truth of the
indictments. Henry Hyde was North's principle defender in Congress.  Oliver
North is the personification of "the old morality -- loyalty, fidelity,
honor...," Hyde said. In other words, one can lie before Congress and pursue
public policies that violate American law (and in which people are killed)
if it's done for a partisan right-wing cause.

     This then is the nature of the man leading the judgment of President
Clinton. To be fair, Henry Hyde is one of the more moderate members of the
Republican hierarchy. Don't expect him to survive a Right-Wing coup d'etat.
After Hyde comes DeLay (and Archer, Armey, Barr, Chenoweth, Istook, and the

     The issue is no longer President Clinton. The issue is elemental
standards of fairness, decency, and constitutional rule. We've always had
hyocrites, bigots and know-nothings in this country. But now they have an
issue, an opportunity, and they are going to push it for all its worth.

Marty Jezer can be criticized or complimented at

Copyright 1998, Marty Jezer

 Forwarded-by: Ben Herman <>
Subject: Re: Michael Moore Newsletter #11

Yadda Yadda Yadda.... Who cares.  Let my apathy rein (or rain as the case
may be).

Scott Adams put it quite nicely.  40 Million to investigate this Clinton
thing... Well I guess my share came to about $0.40 and I've certainly gotten
at least a half dollars worth.

People (especially pollsters, New media, etc.) should be kissing Ken Starr
and Clinton's Asses.  My God! I have see more polls and news specials in
the past 3 months than I have in my entire life.  Sure, you used to be able
to thank the powers that be for interrupting your humdrum life with that
great "conflict" over there, but come on it's hardly worth it anymore.
Those major pressure items come and go in a couple of months.  This thing
is probably going to take until the 2000 election, with improved ratings,
jobs for pollsters.

There is a whole cottage industry growing out of this thing.

So I say bring it on baby write the next chapter.... I'll pony up a whole
buck if I still get to argue with Chad at the water cooler for a couple more
My take:

The president must uphold the law .... not matter how distastful. no matter
how minor, because he is the law. His sole responsibility is to enforce the
law (HE is the EXECUTIVE BRANCH of gov't). If we allow him to break the law,
no matter how minor or pointless that law is, then he is ABOVE the law;
outside the law; untouchable by the law.  When caesar is above the law then
the republic fails.

About that whole indep. council thing.

Where do people get the idea that this is some roogue off the streets who
comes in and starts hacking?  Yep, he's not an elected official, but elected
officials appoint him!  He can't make a move without the attorney general
of the U.S. saying it's O.K.  He does not have Cart Blanche (visa or
mastercard) to do whatever he wants.  He must get approval first!  And then
he's really only a private DIT. collecting facts FOR congress (elected
officials [remember them] who passed the special prosecutor act and asked
for his appointment).  Would it be better to have witch hunts the old way...
where everyone on the panel was an elected official [ I.e., McCarthy].

We have a system of laws created (for good or bad) by our elected officials.
And until such time as those laws are amended we need to follows those laws
and not fall to mob mentality.  Otherwise, it seems clear, that we should
be able to pick and choose which laws we individually would like to follow
[and personally I know of a few stop lights I definately dis agree with!)


I loved this.  I thinks it was origanally in Time Magazine

Nominated for quote of the year is the statement made by Representative Dick
Armey. When asked if he were in the President's place would he resign, he

 "If I were in the President's place I would not get a chance to resign.
  I would be lying in a pool of my own blood hearing Mrs. Armey standing
  over me saying, "How do I reload this damn thing?"

[Oh, those wacky, fun-loving politicians!  -psl]

Re: The Gunslinger's Education
 Forwarded-by: "Peter Rodes (SPS)" <>

Hi Peter. This may interest you if you do not already know it (I didn't).
I forwarded the gunslinger joke to a friend (named Masterson) who happens
to be a descendant of Bat. He replied:

"As the joke eludes to, Bat and Wyatt were pals.  They were partners in a
gambling hall/brothel.  Wyatt ran the bar and girls and Bat ran the casino.
Bat was a huge fight promoter and made most of his money on fights (also
lost most of his money).  Wyatt used to get drunk and then attempt singing
and playing on the pie-anna."

So it seems that the joke has a bit more basis in fact than I would have


Re: Politics As Usual
 Forwarded-by: Anton Sherwood <>

SF Examiner headline:  "TV hearings to bare all"

Please no!

Anton Sherwood   *\\*   +1 415 267 0685   *\\*

	[I saw two articles in the past week that made me wonder
	 where the headline writers and reporters have been for the
	 past few months.  The headline (in the _Boston Globe_), was
	 ``Public wearying of scandal'', the article (in the _Times_),
	 was suddenly noticing that maybe this Clinton/Lewinsky thing
	 spelled ``Rout'' for Republicans instead of ``Doom'' for Democrats
	 (or maybe it's ``Pox'' for Both Houses).

	 I'm not used to being a bellwether.  Feels weird. --- pozzo]

Re: Politics As Usual
Forwarded-by: Robert L Krawitz <>
 Forwarded-by: "Matthew J. Herper" <mjherper@MIT.EDU>

Just something I thought you all should see.  The following is taken from
former NYC Mayor Ed Koch's column in Friday's NY Daily News.  (News Junkie?
Me?  Nyah.)

"House Speaker Newt Gingrich, according to all the experts, is leading the
assault on Clinton. What chutzpah! His hypocrisy should sicken the American

In a September 1995 Vanity Fair profile of the speaker, a woman with whom
he was romantically involved said, "We had oral sex.  He prefers that modus
operandi because then he can say, 'I never slept with her.' "

Indeed, before Gingrich left her that particular evening, she says, he
threatened her: "If you ever tell anybody about his, I'll say you're lying."

Enough said."

I love politics,

Re: Politics As Usual
Forwarded-by: Robert Jones <>

"I have never supported Bill Clinton uncritically and, in fact, have
 damned him up hill and down dale at times, but I must say I
 immeasurably prefer him to Kenneth Starr. If Clinton's horniness
 represent "immorality" and Starr's self-righteously slavering
 porno novel represents "morality," I can only conclude that
 "immorality" poses no threat to the Republic, but Right Wing
 "morality" represents a menace worse than a new outbreak of
 bubonic plague."

  - Robert Anton Wilson

Re: The Media & Politics As Usual
 Forwarded-by: Christopher Leithiser <>
Subject: Another Stone for Sanity

Had enough yet?  I didn't think so...

	The Stones Throw Project was started by an informal group of
	ordinary citizens; Republicans, Democrats, and independent voters,
	who are tired of it all: the sleazy news coverage, the coarsening
	of America's political discourse, the refusal of the political and
	journalistic establishments to deal with substance. We know that if
	we wait for our politicians to do something about it, we will never
	stop waiting.  So we decided to make the point politely, by mailing
	the members of our delegations and major media figures a stone, with
	a note explaining that stones can be used both for building and
	destroying, and that those who throw stones place themselves in
	danger of being exposed as hypocrites. We sincerely believe that
	this small gesture, if carried out by enough of us, might shake the
	political and media elites to get back in touch with the people in
	"flyover country," the ones whose interests they have neglected and
	whose voices they have ignored for far too long.

Re: Smash Races and Earthquakes

	Smashed Pigeons Found

(PC) Some 2,500 homing pigeons which disappeared during two long-distance
races on the same day were located today after an intensive search.

About 1,800 pigeons had vanished out of 2,000 competing in a 200-mile race
from northern Virginia to Allentown on Oct. 5.  The same day, 700 out of
800 birds never returned to their lofts in a separate 150-mile race from
western Pennsylvania to Philadelphia. The birds were feared lost forever;
but assiduous searchers have reported finding most of them in Milwaukie,

The birds were "hanging out," according to one eye-witness, in a brewing
vat inadvertently left open at Budweiser Brewery. Several of them were
wearing tiny T-shirts with the slogan, "Take Me Drunk. I'm Home" written on
it. A rather large contingent was cooing "Danny Boy." A third group were
seen hastily swallowing an herbal substance, and trying to conceal cigarette
papers and matches.

Some birds remained unaccounted for Tuesday night. Reports that pigeons were
flocking at a fundamentalist church in Boise, Idaho, remain unconfirmed.

"I've never seen anything like this," says Earl Hottle of Allentown, who
has been racing pigeons for 37 years. "Nobody can explain it." "But," he
continued, "It's always pretty ugly when you have a major smash like this."

;-) Peggy Coquet

Re: Michael Moore's Newsletter

This Week's Letter From Michael Moore


Dear Friends,

I am overwhelmed by your response to our "witch hunt" on Ken Starr's lawn
and to my letter on October 8 calling for an act of civil disobedience on
November 3 where we all go to the polls and vote straight Democrat and throw
the Republicans out of office.

Now it's time to turn the screw.

We are days away from removing the most idiotic, inept, and embarrassing
Congress this country has ever seen.

The Republican Congressmen who are attempting a coup d'etat by going ahead
with the impeachment process -- against the will of the American people --
don't even know what is about to hit them.

That's good.  I don't want them to know.  I want them to continue telling
the American people to go to hell.  This arrogance will be their undoing.

It's strange, isn't it, that these politicians have lost their primal
political animal instinct: survival and re-election at all costs.  You would
think they would be frightened by the fact that 66% of the voters want them
to stop their sex inquisition. You would think they would know that to
continue on this path will surely lead to their own political suicide.

But they can't see that.  They are locked into, as Russell Baker put it,
their own personal "road rage".  They can't get the image of Clinton having
sex -- weird, kinky, consensual sex  -- out of their minds.  The images of
a wet cigar and Altoids have built to a feverish pitch inside their small,
tightly-wound brains.

Of course, what really plagues them is their own conscience, because of
their own adulterous affairs, and kinky sex (Henry Hyde, Dan Burton, Helen
Chenoweth). Take Newt Gingrich.  According to Newt campaign worker Anne
Manning, in 1977 she gave Newt oral sex while he was still married to his
first wife. She told Vanity Fair, "we had oral sex. He prefers that modus
operandi because then he can say, 'I never slept with her.'" Newt later
tried to get his wife to agree to divorce terms while in her hospital bed
where she was recovering from cancer surgery.

On top of that, Newt Gingrich lied under oath, committing perjury, not once,
not twice, but Thirteen seperate times while testinfiyng before Congress
about his illegal use of campaign funds.

And then there's Congressman Bob Barr, sponsor of the "Defense of Marriage
Act", now on his 3rd marriage, who was caught on video tape licking whip
cream off a woman's breasts at a 1992 fundraiser.

These Republicans are the biggest bunch of two-faced, two-timing hypocrites
since,  well, since the Democrats ran Lyndon Johnson in 1964 as "the peace

So this is not a plea to join the Democratic Party -- a party that has
failed working people miserably.  It is simply a chance to USE the Democrats
as a TOOL to send our message.  Trust me, once these Democrats are in, they
are going to be frightened by the power we've just exercised. They don't
even think they're going to win in the first place.  Imagine if we show up
in such numbers that we change the face of Congress with a snap of our
fingers.  Scary stuff for any politician who dares to cross us again.

So go into that voting booth and participate in a legal act of subversion.
Vote straight Democrat.  I don't care who the damn Democrat is.  If it's
some Liberal wuss, vote Democrat.  If it's a dead guy in Chicago, vote
Democrat.  I don't care if it's that little Chihuahua dog on the Taco Bell
commercial -- if he's on the ballot as a Democrat, pull the lever!

If you're a Republican, vote Democrat. Don't worry, this won't upset your
conservative apple cart.  That Democrat you're voting for is more than
likely just a mushier version of the Republican on the ballot --
pro-corporate, pro-death penalty, anti-affirmative action.

If you're a Democrat, well, uh, vote Democrat.

And if you're an independent like me who has, sadly, not voted in the three
state and local elections that have been held since the "Evil of Two
Lessers" presidential election of 1996, then here's the chance to give the
system a shock wave and the wacko, sex-obsessed right wing their

So here are a couple of practical things each and every one of you can do
in the next seven days:

1) Contact the sorry-ass Democratic candidate's headquarters in your
district (<A HREF=""> to find out who's
running in your area</A>, and tell them you want to work the phone bank, go
door to door, pass out literature at your workplace or school.  Many of
these Democrats will not know what to do with your offer of help because
they don't have their act together and are expecting to lose.  Don't let
that stop you.  Politely thank them, hang-up the phone, and go print up your
own handbill.  Call up local talk shows.  Write letters to editors.  Put a
sign in your yard.  Get everyone talking about the backlash that's going to
hit Congress on November 3rd.

2) Register to vote and register others to vote.

If you live in Idaho, Maine, New Hampshire, North Dakota or Wisconsin, you
can register right at the polls on Election Day.

3) If you're away at school, call your County Clerk or Board of Elections
office back home and have them send you an absentee ballot.  This needs to
be done today.

4) Send this letter, or my <A HREF="">previous
letters</A>, to as many people as you can.  Reprint them anywhere.  Send
them in to your local paper as an op-ed or letter to the editor.  Put your
name on them if you want -- I don't care!  Just get the message out.

5) <A HREF=""> to see the list of
the closest House and Senate races where your one vote could make all the
difference.</A>  Call friends and families in these districts and tell them
it's payback time!

When the San Diego Padres lost the World Series this past week, they didn't
start acting like a bunch of sore losers, demanding that millions of dollars
be spent to investigate the private sexual habits of the Yankees', Derek
Jeter.  These right wing Republicans are a bunch of cry-babies because they
lost not once, but twice to the draft-dodging, blue dress-staining hillbilly
from Arkansas.  They couldn't accept the will of the people and the fact
that they lost. Whaah, whaah, whaah and boo hoo hoo.  Because of their 40
million dollar temper tantrum, we, the people, are still stuck with lousy
health care, crumbling schools and an economy that is just waiting to

Throw the bums out on November 3.


Michael Moore
Director, "Roger & Me", "TV Nation"

P.S. The next time someone says to you, "But Clinton lied!  He committed
perjury!",  tell them that no one, especially the government, has a right
to ask anyone about their private consensual adult sex life.  The question
posed to Clinton in that deposition was a violation of his Fourth Amendment
privacy rights and was more immoral than the answer he gave.  You do not
have to answer a question NO ONE has the right to ask you.  He should have
told those lawyers, "None of your damn business."

P.P.S. The next time you hear the media describe Henry Hyde as "one of the
most respected men on Capitol Hill," call them up and challenge them to
reveal what no journalist is reporting:

Henry Hyde is the only member of Congress to be sued by the federal
government for his involvement in the savings and loan debacle.  Hyde served
as a director of Clyde Federal Savings & Loan in Illinois during the 1980s
(right after leaving the House Banking Committee).  Feds shut it down in
1991 at an estimated cost of $67 million and sued Hyde and other board
members for gross negligence, seeking $17.2 million.  The board settled,
but Hyde refused to pay, forcing the others to pick up his share.

And who is this David Schippers, Counsel for the Republicans on the House
Judiciary Committee and Hyde's long-time friend and partner in crime, so to
speak?  Back in Illinois, at the center of the S&L crisis, Schippers was
the criminal attorney for the head of the failed Skokie Savings & Loan.

Re: Smash Races and Earthquakes
 Forwarded-by: Ben Norton <>

I find these mailings on the pigeon "smash" as very interesting (I'm not
sure I would believe it as a predictor for earthquakes).

There are two racing seasons each year - "Young bird" season in the fall,
and "old birds" in the spring/summer.  This "smash" would have been a young
bird race (birds that were born this year - candidates to join the old bird
team).  Each year, pigeon racers breed a large number of birds - If you have
30 birds on your "old bird" team, you would probably breed 50 young birds.
Experienced racers cull some of these young birds prior to racing, and many
of these inexperienced bird are lost during training (hawks, confusion,
stupidity - they're young).

You might have 30 left to actually race.  The races are fairly short
(100-250 miles) and pretty much all the young birds race each week.  Through
the course of a typical young bird season, you might loose 1/3 of your
birds.  At the conclusion of your season, you might select 6 birds to
graduate to the old bird team (the rest are destroyed).  So a "smash" in a
young bird race, would probably end the young bird season - but would not
mean disaster to the overall balance of the loft.  You just would not have
freshmen on your old bird team next year.

A 90% loss during an old bird race would be devastating to anyone's team,
and unless they had a separately maintained breeding program, could
virtually destroy a racer's "family". I used my race team as my breeders,
and I flew both sexes (natural method).  Strong competitors fly "widowhood"
(cocks only - performance motivated by reward of sex).

Experienced flyers will fly only a portion of their old bird team if the
race is long (500-600 miles) or if there is a lot of solar flare activity,
or a prediction of bad weather.  The competition for seasonal average speed
makes it undesirable to skip a racing weekend.

Well that was probably more than you ever wanted to know about racing


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