British News Bits
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 5 Nov 98 13:19:48 -0800
Subject: British News Bits
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___ From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: ___
'Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church
labeled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.'
___ From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in
Christchurch, New Zealand: ___
'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office
return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'
___ From The Times: ___
'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common these days."'
___ From The Gloucester Citizen: ___
'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891
number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played
a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the
house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint,
saying, "He got what he deserved."'
___ From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds
to Save Prostitutes": ___
"... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but
will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training
them for new positions in hotels."
___ From The Derby Abbey Community News: ___
"We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that
'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a
typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in
the Police Farce."
___ From The Guardian: ___
"After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old
Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank
Plc are Fascist Bastards". The Bank has now asked him to close his
account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque,
made out in his new name.
© 1998 Peter Langston