Fun_People Archive
12 Nov
Tips for Your Boss on Making YOU a Better Employee

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 98 02:16:01 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Tips for Your Boss on Making YOU a Better Employee

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Forwarded-by: Sid Sidner <>

Tips for Your Boss on Making YOU a Better Employee

 1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring
    it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

 2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to
    inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me,
    advising me at every keystroke.

 3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.  It gives me a
    chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

 4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open
    the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and
    opening doors with no arms is good training incase I should ever be
    injured and lose all use of my limbs.

 5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the
    priority. I am psychic.

 6. Do your best to keep me late.  I adore this office and really have
    nowhere to go or anything to do.  I have no life beyond work.

 7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.  If that gets out, it could
    mean a promotion.

 8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone.  I like my name to be popular
    in conversations.  I was born to be whipped.

 9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.  In
    fact, save them until the job is almost done.  No use confusing me with
    useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with.  I have no right to know
    anything.  In the corporate food chain, I am plankton.  When you refer
    to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change
    your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems.  No one else has any and it's nice to
    know someone is less fortunate.  I especially like the story about
    having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being
    such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have
    been.  Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living
    increase.  I'm not here for the money anyway.

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