Fun_People Archive
21 Dec
Mr. Cranky savages "You've Got Mail"

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 21 Dec 98 01:45:14 -0800
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Subject: Mr. Cranky savages "You've Got Mail"

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Mr. Cranky savages "You've Got Mail"
Mr. Cranky's rating: 3 bombs

The conjunction "you've" is the combination of the words "you" and "have,"
making the title of this film "You Have Got Mail," which is redundant enough
to creep out the Olsen twins. Undoubtedly, this was the product of the
grammatically-challenged losers over at America Online, which is basically
Internet for the mentally handicapped anyway.

Joe Fox (Tom Hanks) and Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan) portray members of America
Online who get involved in an email romance, but have never met. Who ever
would have guessed that a woman who spends her Friday nights trading
misspelled missives in online chat rooms would look more like Meg Ryan than
Jabba the Hutt in sweat pants? Or that her mystery correspondent would be
a clean-cut Tom Hanks type with -- get this -- nary a single human head in
his freezer?

Although each knows the other lives in New York, Kathleen, owner of a small
children's bookstore, is unaware that Joe is actually her arch-rival, the
"Fox" of the Fox Books Superstore (a thinly-veiled reference to Barnes &
Noble, the bookseller's equivalent to the Death Star) opening up down the
street. The last part of this film consists of twenty minutes of utterly
wasted material and reminded me of "Meet Joe Black" in that, once again, I
begged somebody to jam a nail gun into my ear and end the agony by firing
away like Charlton Heston at a Barney Frank fund-raiser.

As in real life, the big superstore devours the little independent store,
proving that even the most loyal of customers will bury a hatchet in your
forehead for 30% off.  Of course, Kathleen learns that Joe is an okay person
after all, implying that once we get to know and love these big chain
stores, it won't matter that we're all making minimum wage and getting our
health care from some guy named Buck who hangs out in the alley.

Mr. Cranky's Rating Scale:
One bomb........Almost tolerable.
Two bombs.......Consistently annoying.
Three bombs.....Will require therapy after viewing.
Four bombs......As good as a poke in the eye with a sharp
Dynamite........So godawful that it ruptured the very
                fabric of space and time with the sheer
                overpowering force of its mediocrity
                (special instances only).

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