Fun_People Archive
25 Dec
miniNTK bits, 12/25/98

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 25 Dec 98 11:31:14 -0800
To: Fun_People
Precedence: bulk
Subject: miniNTK bits, 12/25/98

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Excerpted-from: NTK now, 25/12/98

	[What do you mean, what are we doing online on Christmas Day? What
	are YOU doing online on Christmas Day? What's that? You're reading
	this in mid-January? Yeah? Then how are we having this little
	conversation then? A series of rhetorical questions, you say? Ah.
	I see.

	Anyway, here follows the usual piebald motley harlequinade that is
	MiniNTK. Strict traditionalists should press delete and wait for
	the next scheduled NTK, which should be on 8/1/99. People who like
	to click on the blue words should page down, because URLs settled
	in transit this issue.

	PS MiniNTK are always longer than normal NTKs. The reason for this
	is lost forever in the endless sands of time.]

 __  __ _25/12/98 _   _ _____ _  __     <Xmas '98/New Year '99 special>
|  \/  (_)_ __ (_) \ | |_   _| |/ /    o Join! Mail 'subscribe ntknow'
| |\/| | | '_ \| |  \| | | | | ' /     o   to
| |  | | | | | | | |\  | | | | . \     o Website (+ archive) lives at:
|_|  |_|_|_| |_|_|_| \_| |_| |_|\_\    o

                             >> HARD ANTI NEWS <<
                        seasonal adjustment disordering

	[We're too bloated on our traditional Christmas meal ("Festive
	Vanilla" Frijj's and the first, tastiest batch of Cadbury's Creme
	Eggs) to do any real work. So, like the Economist or the New
	Scientist or the Blue Peter Annual, we're giving you a special
	Newtonmas quiz instead. Read the following (true) stories carefully
	and answer: which ones are news and which, dear reader, are tended
	by her unruly sibling ... antinews?]

	Peace and goodwill: During the Iraqi airstrike, a PR company phones
	around, suggesting an article on TOP GUN, the recent USAF flight
	sim - "because of its topicality". Sick, yes.  But N or A?

	Frank, incensed: This is an old one, but we thought we'd sneak it
	out when he's not looking: RICHARD BARRY finally calls. He's very
	upset and threatens to sue unless someone apologises for all the
	jokes made regarding his poor research skills. The people on the
	other end of the phone offer their sympathies. Sadly, they explain,
	they're The Register - and have never written about Barry in their
	lives. N or A?

	Galled: PETER MANDELSON, after pressure from citizens and small
	businesses, finally withdraws internal DTI support for key escrow
	in the forthcoming crypto legislation. If the spooks want strong
	crypto controlled, they'll have to sort it themselves. One week
	later... you know the rest - but is that N or A?

	And "Dyrrh": And finally, thanks to the eagle-eyed reader who has
	noticed that the new look, unedited JON KATZ uses "1" and "I"
	interchangeably, implying that he writes his Slashdot pieces on a
	typewriter. N or A?

                  >> LONG RANGE TRACKING / NON-EVENT QUEUE <<
                           fancy schmancy necromancy

	[Similarly... can't... quite... get up... to uncover this week's
	new invitations and software. So we ground up bits of Terence
	McKenna, fed it to Douglas Rushkoff, and then examined his entrails
	to discover what'll be happening in the *unforeseeable* future.

>25/1/99 OPEN SOURCE: Believed to have suffered a stroke, neurosurgeons
	reveal that RICHARD STALLMAN's left (creative) brain hemisphere has
	declared differences with his right (Emacs mode) cerebellum, and
	chosen to fork his own consciousness. Split brains unicamerally
	declare that in future, RMS will stand for "RMS's Multiple
	Stallmans". ERIC S RAYMOND shrunk to size of bacterium, placed in
	tiny intravascular submarine to negotiate.

>23/4/99 APPLE: In boardroom coup, STEVE JOBS sacks remaining Apple and NeXT
	staff, installs voice talent from PIXAR in key management posts.
	New Apple ad campaign uses tagline "It's a bug, *and* a ninety
	minute feature". Success of iMac's "child-oriented" design leads to
	new LCD monitor using a Tinky-Winky form factor. Job's rumoured
	disdain for the buying public confirmed when he refers to Macs as
	"The Computer For The Rest of You".

>11/7/99 MICROSOFT: Growing bored with lack of real competition, Redmond
	"leaks" more strategy briefings, leaves anonymous management tips
	on NORVELL, COREL, and HOT DOG SOFTWARE voicemail, checks Internet
	Explorer source into Mozilla Project CVS. R&D supremo NATHAN MYRVOLD
	announces that Microsoft will invest $3 billion in five year project
	to cure his persistent lower back pain. BILL GATES' wife, Melinda,
	divorces him on grounds that Gates children stole elements of her
	"look and feel".

>9/10/99 SPACE: Timed to coincide with the release of STAR WARS prequel,
	NASA scientists announce preliminary evidence for the reality of
	"Force": also existence of Death Star within Solar System. Details
	sketchy, say NASA, although suggest additional funding "may refresh
	their memory".

>12/12/99 Y2K: Unforeseen effects of millennium bug include: Animatronic
	Abraham Lincoln at Disney World does "Baby Cha-Cha", anal leakage,
	National Lottery Grand Prize rolls over to -5,234UKP, ancient gods
	become real, children freeze and crash when learning days of week,
	sun falls into ocean, technical experts in UK government *stop*
	thinking it's 1900, shares go down as well as up, NTK holds .NOT

                              >> GIFT MEMEPOOL <<
                        what you want ain't what you got

	Wanted: The Star Wars Cookbook from ... Got:  Legal
	Letters from ...  Wanted: sexual
	selection with artificial life at ... Got:
	"Sexual" "selection" "with" artificial "life" at: ...
	Wanted: A Hoberman Sphere from ... Got: A Cartman Ovoid
	from (try with images off)...
	Wanted: the animated outtakes at ... Got:
	the over-animated losers at

                               >> SMALL PRINT <<

       Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
     happened last year or probably won't happen next year. You can read it
       on Friday afternoon or print it out and show grandma if you have
     nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
     It is registered at the Post Office as "the best of ... what exactly?"
        Subscribe? Mail with 'subscribe ntknow'.
             NTK now is helped by THE ILLUMINATI and UNFORTU.NET.
              They worry about us, but we don't worry about them.
           (K) 1998 Special Projects. Non-business copying is fine,
                        but retain SMALL PRINT. Contact
       for commercial license details.

prev [=] © 1998 Peter Langston []