Fun_People Archive
4 Jan
The Comedian's-eye View of 01/05/99

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon,  4 Jan 99 18:56:08 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: The Comedian's-eye View of 01/05/99

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Excerpted-from: 01/05/99 -- ShopTalk

                       Tuesday January 5, 1999

     "A new study listed the cities with the most cases of
      syphilis and gonorrhea...New York wasn't even in the Top 20.
      New York's murder rate is down. Times Square is family-
      friendly. New York has become your crazy drinking buddy who
      got married and had kids."

                             -- Colin Quinn on SNL


Waste Not - Want Not: Italian researchers say they have invented a car that
runs on human waste.... Is this a good idea?  I mean, itOs bad enough people
brush their teeth, shave and put on make-up behind the wheel, do we really
want them reading Reader's Digest, now, too? ...  And you thought your old
car ran good on ethyl.  Wait till you try a tank of Fred. (Steve Voldseth)

Now Cough: Charlton Heston, the 75-year-old president of the NRA has been
diagnosed with prostate cancer....Considering where his head's been lately,
it must have been a self-diagnosis. (Bill Williams)

Rats Return: Congress returns to Washington.  A new representative will soon
learn there's a pecking order.  Beginning freshmen are always given Capitol
Hill's older mistresses. (Alan Ray)

Snow Shovel: The East endures frigid temperatures.  You can tell it's been
cold in Washington, DC.  Kenneth Starr had to burn an extra witch. (Ray)

Dole Deciding: Liz Dole may run for president.  There's one final obstacle
for her to overcome.  During the 2000 convention, Republican leaders must
draft a platform to support a woman's right to vote.  (Ray)

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