What's Y'all's Sign?
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 7 Jan 99 15:10:40 -0800
Subject: What's Y'all's Sign?
Forwarded-by: Bill Donoghue <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Forwarded-by: Jennifer Johnson <email@example.com>
Forwarded-by: "Nyyssela, Kym" <KNyyssela@cncglobal.com>
It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present
astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of
them. When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while
I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me there's some twins,
but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure.
You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many
archers and no damn water bearers. Virgins? The neighborhood's not crawling
with them either. SO, what we need here is some relevance. We need things
we can recognize up there in the night sky.
OKRA Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside.
Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life
and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
CHITLIN Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're
uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however,
can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning.
When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn
and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess.
Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time
BOLL WEEVIL Feb 20 - Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface
of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of
everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had
some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so
don't worry about it.
MOON PIE Mar 21 - Apr 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a
cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round"
are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely
interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year
to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
POSSUM Apr 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency
to withdraw and develop a "don't-bother-me-about-it" attitude. Sometimes
you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy
is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One
day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running
CRAWFISH May 22 - Jun 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always
hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains,
the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the livingroom. You tend not to
be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
COLLARDS Jun 22-Jul 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the
"melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those
around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball
managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away
from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH Jul 24 - Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception:
Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy
people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of
life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS Aug 24 - Sep 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle
together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so
maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go?
Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can
go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS Sep 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately,
those who know you best --your friends and loved ones-- may find that your
personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you
deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go
right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours
is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will
always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN Oct 24 - Nov 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with
everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine
of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next
to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually
quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots,
fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with
today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today.
You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns.
You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another,
somewhat kinky, mating possibility.
© 1999 Peter Langston