Fun_People Archive
23 Mar
The Comedian's-eye View of 03/23/99

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 23 Mar 99 11:48:07 -0800
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Subject: The Comedian's-eye View of 03/23/99

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Excerpted-from: 03/23/99 -- ShopTalk

                        Tuesday March 23, 1999

Steve Forbes became the first presidential candidate ever to announce his
candidacy on the Internet.  "Which means that, at some point, he'll also be
the first person to withdraw from the race on the Internet." (Ira Lawson)

Forbes said he lost the race in 1996 by starting late and didn't have time
to get his message across.  "Now that he's starting early, experts say he'll
lose by having plenty of time to get his message across." (Jon Stewart)

Sen. Jesse Helms has criticized a US agency for giving money to a group that
sometimes spread its family planning message in Haiti at voodoo rituals.
"Helms claims he's not anti-black magic but has always supported
separate-but-equal magic." (Stewart)

Paula Jones and her husband have separated.  "I guess they were arguing over
who gets the house, and then Paula just got in it and drove it away." (Jay

A group of lawyers has hired OJ Simpson to be its spokesman in a series of
commercials for the group's 800 number.  "Boy, how bad is your image when
you gotta hire OJ to improve it?" (Leno)

For the ninth year in a row, an Irish gay and lesbian organization was
banned from marching in New York City's St.  Patrick's Day parade.  "But on
the bright side, they were invited to a huge keg party at Tinky Winky's."

A Mexican volcano erupted with a 2-mile-high plume of ash Friday evening,
the National Center for Disaster Prevention reported.  Presidential
candidate Pat Buchanan cited the windborn ashes as "another example of
runaway Mexican immigration." (Jim Rosenberg)

"Production has begun on 100 new Teletubbies episodes. Due to public
pressure, the part of Tinky Winky will now be played by Charlton Heston."
(Zack Taylor - Westwood One Radio Network)

"The NFL has voted to give Los Angeles a new football franchise. The team
has already announced it'll be moving to Oakland." (Taylor)

A 29-year-old Fort Worth, Texas woman was sentenced to 10 years in jail for
having sex while her daughter watched.  Imagine that?  Ten years for having
sex in front of your daughter?  Ohmigod, Woody Allen's looking at the death
penalty! (Steve Voldseth)

Susan Lucci has been nominated for a Daytime TV Emmy for the 19th time.
She's lost 18 times.  But losing 18 times is not really that big a deal.
You know what the Clippers call that?  A road trip!  (Voldseth)

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