Taxes -- Dollars, Taxes
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 15 Apr 99 15:37:00 -0700
Subject: Taxes -- Dollars, Taxes
Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Forwarded-by: Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Stephen Sprenger, who owns the H&R Block on Denny Way [Seattle, WA], says
it's that time of year: the time for ceiling deductions. Ceiling
Sprenger says, "You ask how many miles the client drove and he looks at the
ceiling and says, 'About 8,000.'"
Jean Godden, The Seattle Times
"The laws providing tax shelters reflect the strong philosophical commitment
of the Founding Fathers, particularly Alexander Hamilton, to the principle
that the public good would be served if dentists owned cattle ranches."
- Calvin Trillin, on United States tax law and evasion.
Quote of the Day <email@example.com>
CHECK THIS BOX
On my income tax 1040 it says "Check this box if you are blind." I wanted
to put a check mark about three inches away.
- Tom Lehrer, 4/4/90
Marcel Hendrix <mhx@iaehv.IAEhv.nl> [rec.humor]
ONE WEEK TO DIG YOUR FOXHOLE ER, LOOPHOLE
By Robert Kirby, The Salt Lake Tribune, April 8, 1999
If you have not yet filed your tax return, there is still plenty of time to
form an anti-government militia. Just be sure to register your militia by
April 15, so you can get a tax-exempt number.
Larry Erdmann, Kelly Clark and I formed our militia last week. Although a
closely guarded secret, the new group is called IMNU, short for "It's Mine,
Not Urs." We know it's not grammatically correct, but Larry thought it
needed another vowel.
All government agents listen carefully. IMNU has only one demand: Leave
us alone or we will be forced to go to a federal prison. We are not playing
Actually, IMNU was Larry's idea for avoiding taxes. Mine and Kelly's was
to apply for Brazilian citizenship. That was before we found out that air
fare to Rio cost way more than we owe.
This, of course, was after we gave up on the church idea. When it comes to
not paying taxes, a church is the way to go. Kelly and I founded the Church
of The Holy Me First, but then we got into a fistfight over who was going
to be the leader.
Our final cunning plan is to testify against Larry in exchange for partial
For those of you with little talent in seeking out such loopholes, personal
tax returns are due on April 15. Cough it up. The government needs the
money to buy more bombs.
Business owners are out of luck. Corporate tax returns were due March 15.
The one exception to this deadline being Microsoft, which pays no corporate
taxes because the Internal Revenue Service is just one of its many
There are a lot of changes to the 1998 tax laws. Unfortunately, Y2K is not
one of them. This means the computers at the main IRS office, located deep
in the bowels of the Earth, are still working well enough to print out a
federal indictment with your name on it.
This is not to say that a global computer crash will get you entirely off
the hook. After Y2K, all taxes will be paid in kind. Food, gold,
livestock, one of your legs...
Fortunately, the most prominent changes to your '98 taxes are easy to
understand. First, Mike Tyson is back in jail. If having him as a bunk
buddy would pose a problem for you, simply check Line 6345.2(a) on page 81
of your return.
Another great change in the tax laws is that IRS agents may no longer
impersonate ecclesiastical leaders as a way of finding out if you cheated
on your return. This is a direct outcome of the highly controversial
decision by the Supreme Court in U.S. vs. God.
Third is the new tax credit for kids. You get a $400 credit for each
dependent child in your family who will be under the age of 17 on Dec. 31,
1999, except, of course for children born under the astrological signs of
Virgo, Gemini, Habeas and Corpus.
As most of my kids are grown, this particular change came too late for me.
In fact, 1999 is the last year I will be able to qualify for a tax credit.
Big deal. Four-hundred bucks should just about cover my daughter's Vomit
Monkey concert tickets.
The tax credit is good news for my neighbors, the Jacobsens. They have so
many children (108) that the government doesn't know what to do. The IRS
came to them looking to cut a deal. Instead of a cash refund this year,
Gary and Anna get New Mexico and a Stealth fighter.
The important thing is to remember to make your decision by April 15. You
have seven days to decide whether to join IMNU, or roll over and pay up.
Robert Kirby welcomes e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
(c) Copyright 1999, The Salt Lake Tribune <http://www.sltrib.com/>
© 1999 Peter Langston