Fun_People Archive
20 Apr
Misc Quotable Quotes

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 99 12:22:06 -0700
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Misc Quotable Quotes

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Forwarded-by: Bill Wallace.


I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a
department store, and he asked for my autograph.  --Shirley Temple

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would
probably be Labor Day Weekend.  --Doug Lars

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't
need it.  --Bob Hope

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!  --Tom Lehrer

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I
thought: What good would that do?  --Ronnie Shakes

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive
and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits
singing about toilet paper.  --Rod Serling

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth
to a child. She must be found and stopped.  --Sam Levenson (1911-1980)

Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done.
--Ernie Kovacs

Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of your friends, they
will certainly not attend yours.  --H.L. Mencken

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us
the truth about its author.  --G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless
you count the increasing popularity of the nine milimeter bullet.
--Dave Barry

This isn't right. It isn't even wrong.  --Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper
submitted by a physicist colleague

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the
toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.
--Joey Bishop

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
--Franklin P. Jones

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for
you.  --Tommy Smothers

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.  --Norm Crosby

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends
thought I didn't exist.  --Aaron Machado

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to
those places.  --Henny Youngman

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the
designated driver.  --Jay Leno

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or
lose.  --Darrin Weinberg

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
--H.L. Mencken

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which
you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.  --Fran Lebowitz

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