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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 27 Apr 99 00:36:10 -0700
Subject: Wacky Baccy
Forwarded-by: Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Organization: Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List
MEDICAL USES OF MARIJUANA
In Washington, DC today, medical researchers are holding a conference to
examine the potential medical uses of marijuana. It's the "First Annual
Frito-Lay Rold-Gold Nip-Chee Conference on Medicinal Cannabis."
Jim Rosenberg <email@example.com> <http://www.wirecom.com/jim>
4 OUT OF 5 DOCTORS RECOMMEND MEDICAL USE OF MARIJUANA -- 5TH DOCTOR TOO
STONED TO RESPOND
A survey by the Institute for Medicine found that 4 out of 5 doctors
believe that marijuana has useful medicinal applications for the control
of nausea, vomiting, pain and those in need of an insatiable craving for
junk food. The 5th doctor who participated in the study has yet to
respond. Neighbors say he has remained secluded at his house for weeks
with the shades drawn blasting the rock group Pink Floyd on his stereo.
Though this survey puts members of the medical community on record in
support of limited use of marijuana, members of Congress are taking a
hard line against any revision on federal drug laws. "I don't buy any
of this medical crap. It will turn innocent patients into drug-crazed
hardened criminals who will pose a great threat to society. If they
need to smoke something to make them feel better they should stick to a
safe substance like cigarettes," said Crahnky McCord, a congressman from
Breaking News Beyond Repair <http://bobsfridge.com/skew.htm>
CANADIANS DEVELOP MARIJUANA BOARD GAME
TORONTO (Reuters-01/19/98) -- Marijuana cultivation is turning a legal
profit for two Canadian developers of a board game about the illegal
The pair from Victoria, British Columbia, have created "The Cultivation
Game," which pokes fun at the multimillion-dollar marijuana industry in
the west coast Canadian province.
"It represents a large part of the British Columbia economy," said
Harreson Waymen, 45, a health care worker who designed the game.
Wayman's partner, John Taylor, a retired carpenter, devised the idea
after hearing about numerous problems with cultivating of the crop. It
took the pair a year and about C$50,000 ($35,000) to get the product to
Players start off with C$9,000 ($6,300) and six plant tokens, which they
move around a board shaped like Vancouver Island off the British
Columbia mainland. The object is to cultivate and sell the most
Police helicopters and nosy neighbors are some of the pitfalls players
Waymen and Taylor have been accused of promoting marijuana, a claim they
"It shows more of the real life than the glorified, idealistic side of
it," Waymen said. "Growers have been held up at gun point. Biker gangs
come and have their way,"
Almost 1,000 games have sold since it went on sale last November,
prompting a second run of 2,500. Orders have come from across North
America and the pair are negotiating distribution rights in Australia.
Relatively warm temperatures make Vancouver Island highly suitable for
marijuana cultivation, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) said.
"It may be a billion dollar operation in B.C. alone. It's very, very
prolific out here," said RCMP Sgt. Pat Convey. "In one month, we took
down 41 operations and arrested 71 people."
MARIJUANA LINKED TO SITTING AROUND AND GETTING HIGH
The National Institute of Health released the results of a controversial
new study today, one that links the drug marijuana to sitting around and
getting high. The study, a comprehensive five-year survey of drug use
among Americans, also suggests a possible connection between marijuana
and getting baked off your ass.
"We have found that where there's marijuana," explained Institute
spokesperson Roger Krell, "there's also a good chance of finding stoners
on a couch passing around a bong." Krell added that in such situations,
"There is also a strong likelihood of finding incense, a TV, and some
chips, usually Ruffles."
Krell would neither confirm nor deny the alleged link between marijuana
and Pink Floyd's The Wall. He would confirm, however, that the album
rules. "There is some seriously fucked-up shit on that album," he
said. "Especially side two. Mother do you think they'll drop the
Marijuana, or "pot," as it is called on the street, is a harmless drug
that helps you relax and feel mellow. Its only known side-effects are
occasional uncontrollable laughter and mild hunger, or "the munchies."
Not everyone agrees with the survey's findings. "Getting high is the
least of marijuana's uses," said Matt Henner, President of Hemp For
Victory and a total pothead. "The ancient Egyptians used hemp to build
the pyramids. In the 1930s, the WPA used it to construct bridges and
dams. Today it is used for medicine and as a non-polluting alternative
to gasoline." Henner then admitted he was "wasted beyond belief."
According to experts, drug use among 15-24 year olds is cool. "That's
really the cool age to do drugs," said U.S. Drug Czar Bertrand Seaver.
"When you're young, that's the thing to do. In fact, studies show that
teenagers who smoke pot are far more likely to be accepted by the
While drug use among young people is cool, experts say older people who
still do drugs are losers. "A young person who does drugs is healthy
and normal," said Harvard sociologist Beth Henterpen. "But if a guy's
like 45, and he's still getting high, it's like, 'Get a life!'"
Marijuana also has been proven to have the wonderful side-effect of
enhanced sexual sensations, enabling some users to achieve
transcendental states of erotic bliss. The study found that this link,
however, was severely limited in many subjects because they had, due to
sitting around all the time, never actually met members of the opposite
sex. "But if they did," said Krell, "then it'd be amazing."
So far, the study has met with formal protest by only two groups. The
Alabama-based Center for the Christian Family, claimed the findings to
be terribly inaccurate, noting marijuana's ability to "make users think
they can fly and jump out of buildings, like on Quincy, as well as its
tendency to induce demon possession, homicidal rampages, and
Another group to object to the study was California rapping group
Cypress Hill. "Marijuana's not linked to sitting around, man... It's
linked to cruising the Barrio with a 40 and a 12 gauge, blowing pendejos
away," said group member DJ Muggs. "Hand onna pump, puffin' on a
blunt... la la la la laaaaaaaaaaa..."
(c) Copyright 1998 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved.
[Thought you had me didn't you? Nyah nyah! -psl]
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© 1999 Peter Langston