Fun_People Archive
2 May
The Comedian's-eye View of 05/03/99

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sun,  2 May 99 11:18:21 -0700
To: Fun_People
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Subject: The Comedian's-eye View of 05/03/99

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Excerpted-from: 05/03/99 -- ShopTalk

                         Monday May 3, 1999

  "If there had been one armed guard in the school, he could have saved a
   lot of lives and perhaps ended the whole thing instantly."

	- NRA president Charlton Heston, on ABC's "Good Morning America"
	  the day after the shootings. Later reports indicated there was
	  an armed guard at the school.


High-tech toys tied to the new "Star Wars" movie will hit shelves soon. "The
toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from
'Star Wars' fans." (Conan O'Brien)

Jamaica has approved the growing of hemp to be used as cat food.   Actually
hemp cat food is not new, in fact, today in Washington D.C., Socks the Cat
admitted he experimented with hemp cat food in college but he never
swallowed... you know, he just kept coughing it right back up on the
carpet.. (Steve Voldseth)

The suspected Chinese spy at the Los Alamos National Laboratory reportedly
may be arrested within days. "Security officers at Los Alamos first began
to suspect he was distributing computer files after an undercover agent was
able to purchase one quarter of the U.S.  arsenal on e-Bay." (Jon Stewart)

Saddam Hussein turned 62 this week. "I understand in lieu of presents the
family has requested that America be set on fire and destroyed. (Jay Leno)

The city of Honolulu, Hawaii, is changing its firefighter test because of
alleged cheating. They found 72 people taking the test had the answer
written on their shirt cuffs: "Water." (Bill Williams)

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