Fun_People Archive
6 Jun
Things to think about (but not too hard)

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sun,  6 Jun 99 16:29:36 -0700
To: Fun_People
Precedence: bulk
Subject: Things to think about (but not too hard)

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
[SPOILER - you might be able to intuit some plot, er, elements from the  
following...  -psl]

Forwarded-by: Cal Herrmann <>
Forwarded-by: "Daniel R. Allen" <>
Overheard on


1. Battle droids in a high tech galactic civilization where FTL travel is
common have targeting systems inferior to those on a F-15.

2. Actually, their targeting systems are inferior to a spastic eight year
old with a slingshot.

3. After the Jedi Knights have proven they can deflect laser bolts with
their light sabers, the battle droids never think to stop firing.

4. Rather than having integral weapons systems, battle droids are cleverly
designed to carry weapons that can be picked up and used against them by
their opponents.

5. In the Star Wars universe, "Palantine" means "Clinton."

6. A Phantom Menace character's level of annoying goofiness is directly
proportional to the number of action
         figures of said character Lucasfilms hopes to sell to small

7. The Planet Naboo has underwater Rastifarians, but not underwater ganja.

8. Darth Maul has a black robe, a black shirt, black pants, red eyes, a
red and black face, a red light saber, and horns, but for some reason left
his "I'M EVIL!" T-shirt at home.

9. The most futuristic starship in The Republic's fleet is an SR-71
Blackbird covered in chrome.

10. A light saber can evidently cut through anything.

11. If Annakin Skywalker built C3PO, you would think the droid might
mention this to Luke Skywalker at some point during the first movie. ("Oh,
by the way, your father built me and also happens to be Darth Vader.
         More tea?")

12. Training for being a Queen's Decoy evidently doesn't include acting

13. Play-by-play sportscasters are the same no matter what galaxy you're

14. Even giant reptilian blobs like to have scantly clad human women in
their entourage.

15. Yoda's mustache makes him look like a 300-year old Wilford Brimley

16. If you took out all the scenes with direct equivalents in the first
three Star Wars films, The Phantom Menace would be 15 minutes long.

17. Most of those 15 minutes would be plot holes and special effects.

18. All giant starships are required by law to have one point in the ship
where a chain reaction can be started by a single laser blast from a
member of the Skywalker family.

19. Using The Force allows Jedi Knights to jump as high as Jet Li did as
Fong Sai Yuk, but with more justification.

20. Darth Maul's body falls and bounces exactly the way a lightweight
dummy would.

         - Lawrence Person

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