I want you to use the Force.
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri, 3 Sep 99 10:50:08 -0700
Subject: I want you to use the Force.
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649 -=[Fun_People]=-
Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <email@example.com>
Forwarded-by: Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Disclaimer: Lucasfilms owns the boys, much to my dismay. What's been done
to them is copyright 1999 by Siubhan. This can be archived to the Master
and Apprentice site and the Darth Maul Estrogen Brigade, but nowhere else.
LIFE LESSONS AT THE SITH ACADEMY
by Siubhan <firstname.lastname@example.org>
"A true Sith lets his hate flow through him at all times. Exploit the fear
of your opponents, and you shall be able to achieve anything."
"Yes, my Master."
"Good, now put your foot on the brake and shift out of park."
Darth Maul obediently did as his Master instructed, and the little
hovercraft with the "Student Driver" labels eased into the Coruscant skies.
"Keep an eye on your rear-view mirror," Sidious chided.
"Yes, my Master."
"I want you to ease into that lane of traffic there. Nice and gentle."
"Gentle? But you said..."
"All things in time, my young apprentice. A Sith knows when to wait and
when to strike."
"Yes, my Master."
"Okay now, I want you to use the Force to reach out and assess your fellow
drivers. Any weaknesses?"
"The old lady in the Edsel."
"Good. How do you feel about her?"
"She's driving too slow in a no-passing zone and she's pissing me off."
"Very good. Let your hate flow through you, wait for a tiny opening in
traffic, then pass her illegally and flip her off."
"Shall I lay on the horn, my Master?"
"An excellent suggestion, my apprentice. Yes, honk at her most
The tiniest of openings presented itself, and with lightning speed, the
young Sith apprentice executed his maneuver.
"Ah, the look of horror on her face was priceless," Sidious chuckled.
"Indeed, my Master. Now what shall I do?"
"Reach out with your mind again. What do you sense?"
"A sports utility vehicle with tinted windows."
"Wonderful! Wonderful! This time, I want you to sideswipe it out of your
lane. Not only will the Force flow strongly through you, but you'll also
earn the undying gratitude of all the smaller cars who can't see past it."
"I didn't think the Sith cared about public gratitude."
"Only when it comes to sports utility vehicles. This time, take your time
with the maneuver. Let the driver see your face, your anger, your hatred.
Let it flow from you like a river. Savor the fear on his face, then strike
"With pleasure, my Master."
The little student driver car pulled up to the right of the larger SUV and
Maul laid on the horn with a vengeance. The other driver turned to look at
him and promptly flipped him off and accelerated away.
"Did you see that?" Maul gasped.
"The impudence! Kill him now! Show no mercy!"
Maul gunned the engine of his little car and caught up with the larger SUV
once more. Whipping out his double-bladed light saber, he deftly wreaked
havoc on the SUV's engine assembly, then pulled up to look the driver in
the eye once more, a smile of pure evil on his face.
The driver turned to look at him in horror and cried, "What are you doing?"
Maul simply laughed maniacally and executed a deft side-swipe that forced
the SUV to tumble from his lane and go screaming towards the ground. A
cheer erupted from the rest of the drivers, and Maul waved happily in reply.
"Very good, my young apprentice. You're learning well. Road rage becomes
you. Now, one final test. Floor it!"
"But my Master, the speed limit is..."
"I'm well aware of the speed limit. A true Sith doesn't give a rat's ass
about the speed limit. Use the Force to keep you from crashing into the
other cars and floor it!"
"Very well, my Master."
The student driver car promptly exploded in a blur of motion, and mere
moments later, the sound of sirens giving pursuit trailed them.
"Outrun them, my apprentice."
"I can't. Not in this Yugo."
"Damn. Well, all right. Pull over and deal with the fuzz."
Maul eased the car out of traffic and idled to the side of the traffic
stream. The police cruiser pulled up right next to him, and a cop leaned
out and asked, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
Maul waved his hand and said, "I was going the speed limit."
"You were going the speed limit," the cop agreed.
Maul waved his hand again and added, "That guy, however, was speeding."
The cop nodded. "That guy was speeding."
"You'd better catch him."
"I'd better go catch him. Move along." And with that, the cop took off
after another student driver car.
"Most excellent, my young apprentice," Sidious chuckled.
"Does that mean I get my license?" Maul asked eagerly.
"Right after you demonstrate your ability to parallel park."
Maul eased back into traffic, muttering darkly under his breath about how
when the Sith finally ruled the Empire, parallel parking would be a thing
of the past, and headed back to the garage. As they drove off, they passed
the cop who had pulled them over earlier arguing with his new catch.
"But officer! I wasn't speeding!" the student driver whined.
"Tell that to the judge, Kenobi," the cop barked. "You and Jinn here will
have to come with me."
© 1999 Peter Langston