The News in England
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sun, 19 Sep 99 11:02:22 -0700
Subject: The News in England
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Forwarded-by: Matthew Kleinosky <email@example.com>
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From The Guardian:
"After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old
Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank
Plc are Fascist Bastards". The Bank has now asked him to close his account,
and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out
in his new name."
From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in
Christchurch, New Zealand: "Will the person who took a slice of cake from
the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence
in a poisoning case."
From The Manchester Evening News:
"Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly
Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket."
"An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways from a
trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand people
watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo and
the animal's gag reflex forced it to swallow. The crowd applauded wildly
before other circus people realized what had happened."
From The Times:
"A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth,
was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman
commented: 'This sort of thing is all too common these days.'"
From The Gloucester Citizen:
"A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialling an
0891 number from an advertisement entitled 'Hear Me Moan' the caller was
played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around
the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint,
saying, 'He got what he deserved.'"
"Phreakers, or 'phone hackers, managed to break into the telephone system
of 'Weight Watchers' in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to 'Hello,
you fat bastard'"
From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
"Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the
Church, labelled 'For The Sick' is for monetary donations only."
From The Scottish Big Issue:
'In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a "My Name
is Henry" convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney
of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus. "It was a lie", explained
Mr Pap, "I'm a Henry and always will be.", whereupon Henry Pap attacked
Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer - attempted to pull
them apart. Several more Henrys - Smith, Calderwood and Andrews - became
involved and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight.
The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane."
From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds
to Save Prostitutes": "... the money will not be going directly into the
prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better
life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."
From The Derby Abbey Community News: We apologise for the error in the
last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in
the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that
Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."
From The Manchester Evening News:
An elderly woman at a unit for sufferers of senile dementia passed round
a box of mothballs thinking that they were mints. Eleven people were taken
to hospital for treatment.
© 1999 Peter Langston