Standard Contract Rider
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 5 Oct 99 11:58:38 -0700
Subject: Standard Contract Rider
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649 -=[ Fun_People ]=-
Forwarded-by: Kevin Johnsrude <firstname.lastname@example.org>
[KJ: /u/psl/bin/fwdby: syntax error at line 1: `)' unexpected
Its a _joke_. So dont tell Randy,
Forwarded-by: Tom Jurenka <email@example.com>
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The Following is the rider for all Randy Brecker engagements.
We think you will find Randy Brecker to be easy to work with as long as
certain requirements are met, that he himself outlines below. All
requirements must be met without exception unless discussed (in writing)
before the engagement or tour.
1. Personnel - when Mr. Brecker is in a "special guest" situation-Personnel
must remain as originally proposed. Any changes must be discussed and
mutually agreed upon before a different musician is hired.
2. Hotels -
a. 4 Star Rating- preferably a known chain including these necessities:
b. Double Room-large double! Large enough for me and my suitcase (even when
it's open!) The room should be located on an upper quiet floor neither too
far from the elevator nor too close-I don't want to hear the ''ding" every
time the elevator stops. What can I tell you-I'm Jewish. Plus large (hard
mattress) bed. No smoking rooms only. One comfortable chair or couch would
be velly velly nice while you're at it, if it's not too much trouble. The
noise level of the air-conditioner not to exceed 100 decibels nor are there
to be any annoying rattles or wheezing from aforementioned air unit.
c. Restaurant in Hotel!! (Sometimes Mr. Brecker just doesn't feel like going
out and having to find a restaurant after a long trip).
d. (Optional-but important) Room Service-preferably 24 hour. The 24 Hour
Room service menu must not have Lasagna Verde in any way shape or form on
e. In USA-no motels by Route 95NW in the middle of nowhere with a Taco Bell
"jus' one block away". (usually one long-ass block) . (i.e., no Hampton
Inns, Comfort Inns).... no Inns period for that matter!! Outs maybe I'll
give some thought to!
f. Do not want to hear: (Especially in Italy!!)
"But it cost as much as a four star hotel!!"
"It is a four star Hotel I am told" (no "I am told"!!!)
"But it's the best hotel in town!!"
"But it's the best hotel within 100 Kilometers!!'"
"But there's a big surgeon dentist convention in town and the other nicer
hotels were fully booked!"
"But so and so stayed there and loved it!!"
"All our classical artists stay there".
"I'm so sorry sir, I can't find your reservation"
"I'm sorry sir...period!!!
Sub Chapter unto itself-THE DREADED BATHROOM (the following points do not
apply in the USA):
g. No toilets please where your shit just lays there dry on the ledge (who
invented that and why?). It's gotta drop in water immediately!!
h. No toilets that drench your balls in a rush of water when you flush.
h.1. no sandpaper masquerading as toilet paper.
i. No separate faucets in the sink (which legitimately should be labeled
Scalding and Freezing). .. ..How do you wash your hands in those anyway...
move them back and forth really fast??
j. Showers-controls must be located in a place where you don't get your arms
scalded when you turn it on. Needless to say-if there's no shower curtain,
bring a big mop 'cause I'm gonna have me some wet fun!! Ditto, if there's
no catch high up on the wall for the handheld thing so you can stand under
k. Enough electrical outlets to plug your stuff in..without having to move
headboards and/or slip a disc trying to plug something in behind the
l. Telephones-Tone only-with ready access to AT&T Direct.... Hello!?!...IT'S
1999!!!! And can you all put the numbers on the same place on the
keypad-just agree country to country where they're gonna be placed !! 1 at
the top or 1 at the bottom -I don't care-BUT CAN YOU MAKE YOUR MIND UP?
Also-NO PHONES THAT RING FOR NO REASON AFTER YOU HANG UP.
m.TV-Minimum 15" screen w/remote and CNN!! Porn! -'Soft' or preferably
'Hard'-Or as it is more colloquially known-"One Hand" TV-with a nicely timed
3 minute (minimum) preview before blackout, so that one can play "Beat the
Clock" and have half a chance!! Better yet, the extremely rare, but
miraculous "No hand" TV would be most appreciated by Mr. Brecker.
n. No Hotels with "Europa" in it's name.
o. No Ibis Hotels except in abject desperation!.
3. Concert or Club Billing - (Since I seem to be a professional 'special
guest') - Must be discussed and agreed upon mutually with regard to the
particular engagement ... considerations: the size and placement of the name
Randy Brecker, and other, considerations such as "special guest" or
"featuring" , etc..
a. Do not want to hear: "But I called all the promoters and they assured me
the billing would be correct"
b. Do not want to see "Randy Brecker Quintet" if it should be "So and So
trio featuring special guest Randy Brecker" , etc., or some other version.
c. Do not want to hear "But they couldn't fit that on the poster!"
4. Travel Arrangements (Primarily Europe-especially Italy):
a. Bus means "bus"- not "large van" with with a tiny unplugged TV in it and
a little table-what can you use the table for anyway??-a game of elbow
cards? Second of all you gotta face the guy sitting across from you at the
little table-I don' wanna have to look at that guy's face for 10 hours!!
b. Van means "van"- not stationwagon! But then (for once) REMEMBER!!!!-BIG
BASS CASES DON'T FIT IN VANS, SO MAYBE WE CAN ELIMINATE THE SCENARIO WHERE
I'M STANDING, FREEZING BY THE SIDE OF THE VAN, AND YOU ARE FUTILELY AND
FURTIVELY TRYING TO SQUASH THE BASS CASE AND MY SUITCASE TO FIT IN THE BACK
OF THE TOO-SMALL VAN!!! (HEY!.......we got LUGGAGE remember??) In America,
we change our clothes every day do you believe it?!
c. Cars: Try to stay off the cellular if you are driving, and especially
around curves.....NO DIALING!
d. If I am in the back seat you don't have to turn around to talk to me -I
can hear you-look at the road you fucking idiot!!
e. Tailgating- I don't like to get nervous-try not to tailgate. I know it
is the style of driving in Europe, but please, NO closer than 2.6 meters
behind the guy in front of us (who is also going 160km/per hour!!) While,
of course, you're on the cellular.
f. Get directions before you enter the new town-no confusing driving in
circles for 1 hour asking "veer is the Hotel Schmuck?"
g. Do not want to hear:
1."But thees is the bes' bus in Italy!" as it breaks down over the Swiss
aa. The bus should also always have a rest room. For instance-....when the
aforementioned bus broke down in the Alps, it was rather uncomfortable to
have to sit on an Ice-Toilet located in the Igloo Men's Room on the top of
2. "But you are twelve people and this is a twelve seat bus!" (May I quote
Ronnie Cuber:"How are we gonna be able to bring some broads on the bus,
now?") What about that!!?
a Dressing Room should not be a forth floor walkup with each stairwell
getting thinner and more rickety as you walk up.
b. No orange and red couches which are full of holes, rips and semen from
20 years ago.
c. No "Euro" Sandwiches- you know the kind with no bread on top, swabbed
with mayo, lettuce, tomato, and little Shrimps-maybe a little Egg if you
get lucky. Oop! Don't want to see 'em any more-seen 'em enough already!
d. Ice in my Coke, please!! (That is what happens to water under 32 degrees)
e. Alcoholic beverages are accepted, if offered, they will be put to good
use. However, Mr. Landy Blecker Brother cannot guarantee the shape of the
dressing room after the concert is over... He can't even guarantee the
concert!! Know what I'm sayin'?
f. Please try and avoid having the whole audience come backstage for
autographs after the concert, especially when they haven't applauded during
g. No, I do not have a pen!
h. Yes, my brother is fine!
i. Check to make sure film is in camera and battery is charged. Please
review the manual and know which button to push and how hard to push it!
Same for your friend who's gonna trade places with you in the next instant.
j. Memo to all Sweet Young Things- WHY ASK IF YOU COULD HAVE MY AUTOGRAPH
WHEN YOU COULD HAVE ME?
k. After-the-Concert Receptions have to be cleared with Mr. Brecker ahead
of time, and should not be held in any classrooms.
l. Please be aware that Mr. Brecker frequently enjoys going to his hotel
room alone, so he can work and reflect, rather than go to reception,
parties, dinners etc. Do not be offended, please, if invitations are
6. Sound Requirements
a. Have a sound system set up with someone there who knows how to work it.
Sound Person should not be an Asian female guitar player with tattoos all
over her body, who plays in a punk band called "Yellow Scab"and who calls
the bass drum the 'kick' drum.
b. With regards to recent engagement at U. of Indianapolis:
1. There is no need for a sound check if you don't have A FUCKING SOUND
2. Do not want to hear: "We thought you would want to look at the hall".
c. General Requirements:
1. Mic. - Electrovoice RE20 or Equivalent
2. Reverb capability in the Monitor
3. In Mr. Brecker's Monitor-Trumpet with Reverb-only!
4. Sound Person must LOOK UP every once in a while, stop reading your
magazine, and occasionally LOOK AT the MUSICIANS to see if they need
a. No last minute surprises or propositions. No free recording for any
private jazz societies or promoters even if it's "not going to be for sale"
or if "it will just be a gift for the members".
b. Itineraries must be received a minimum of one week ahead of date of
departure with full information:
1.Hotel- Name, address, phone no. and fax
2.Venue-Size, address, phone no and fax.
3.Travel Distance between engagements
If itineraries do not arrive, Mr. Brecker will be unable to maintain his
commitment and will not leave until the itinerary does appear! So make sure
that the picky motherfucker gets it- and everything else on this rider OK?
© 1999 Peter Langston