A Disgusting and Vile Act.
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 9 Dec 99 08:54:17 -0800
Subject: A Disgusting and Vile Act.
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649 -=[ Fun_People ]=-
Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <firstname.lastname@example.org>
GOVERNMENT RELEASES NEW WARNING ABOUT POST-MARITAL COITUS
"Your parents may still be having sex," caution country leaders.
A new government warning was conceived last week that struck horror into
the hearts and minds of young people all over the country.
The warning, which will appear on all consumables by the year 2001, has
yet to be finalised in its official wording, but sources close to an
Taoiseach, the Irish prime minister, state that it will probably be "Your
Parents May Still Be Having Sex."
It is the strongest government-approved warning since the early nineties
when "Smoking May Cause Foetal Death in Pregnant Women" started appearing
on all cigarette boxes produced in the Republic of Ireland. It's believed
that this latest warning was borne out of an increasing inability in young
people to believe that anyone over the age of 30 can maintain a consistent
and satisfying love life.
Government spokesman Anion McTwirl said, "As we approach the end of the...
um ... is it the 20th or the 21st century? Anyway, as we approach the
end of the century, it becomes more and more apparent that old people may
be having sex, even during the day. Perhaps in the bathroom, or against
a kitchen worktop or something. It's a disgusting and vile act and we in
the Irish Government felt it proper that we caution the youth of today."
A major advertising campaign featuring the phrase "Your Parents May Be
Having Sex At This Moment -- Do Not Be Afraid" will commence soon on the
Irish state television station, Radio TelefEDs Eireann. This will be
accompanied by high density coverage in all home-produced newspapers and
Marketing consultant, Trianon Williams is overseeing the intense campaign:
"Young people watch television and sometimes read newspapers, usually for
the horoscopes and news of various sporting events. To reach them, we
have to instigate a novel approach. The exact wording of each ad has yet
tobe determined, but it will probably go along the lines of 'An old person
still has genitals -- do you really think they're not using them?' It's
a hard-hitting and close to terrifying message, but we feel it has to be
so for the disinterested youth of today to pay attention."
One disinterested youth who we captured through false promises of a free
Playstation and acne cream said of the campaign, "Ahhhhhhhhh! Oh God.
Please. No. Please. Oh Christ." Allan Iriwin Moist, 17, has 2 parents,
both of which are old. "No, it doesn't bear thinking about. I don't even
like to think that they had sex to get me. I'm happy with the notion that
I appeared under a cabbage patch or something."
To heighten the effect, we cut out a picture of his mother and placed her
head on the body of a Victoria's Secret model, telling him that his mother
probably dresses like that to arouse his father and prepare him for hotand
horny sexual antics, possibly involving whipped cream, bondage
paraphernalia and chicken innards. It was at this point that Mr. Moist=
broke down in tears and asked that we kill him.
"Please. Put it away. My parents are old. They've never had sex.
Really. Please. Oh Jesus," he said, through scalding hot tears.
If the government's initial "Old People Sex" campaign is a success,
insiders speculate that next year's "Warning: You Look Stupid In Gap
Pants" message will be far easier to accept by adolescents.
(c) 1999 Michael Galvin. All rights Reserved.
© 1999 Peter Langston