Grandpa's Last Christmas at Home.
Mime-Version: 1.0 (NeXT Mail 3.3 v118.2)
From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 20 Dec 99 16:04:05 -0800
Subject: Grandpa's Last Christmas at Home.
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649 -=[ Fun_People ]=-
Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Forwarded-by: Mike Meyer <email@example.com>
Forwarded-by: "B. Johnson" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What
they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor
panty hose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and a
fake beard and went in search of aninflatable love doll. Of course, they
don't sell those things at Wal-mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore
downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What
does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who owns that?" "Do you have their
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also
substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane
during rush hour. I'm not sure what a complicated doll is. Perhaps one
that is subject to wild mood shifts and using a French accent for no reason
at all. (That also describes a few ex-girlfriends.) Finding what I wanted
Anyway, love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line,
according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book
on animal husbandry. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could
live without, so I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of
the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door key
hidden under the mat. In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come
and gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty hose with
Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. Then I let myself out, went
home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover straight.
We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of
the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that
Grandma and and Grandpa would be there.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained. "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several
candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny
continued. I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information to
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her
into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.
"Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
and said," Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was
Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking
to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that
sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. The she
lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap
in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran
across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth
resuscitation. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin,
stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to
treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide
the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder
drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on
to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her
whenever he can get out of the house.
© 1999 Peter Langston