Pulp Friction - Chained Cheerleaders
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sat, 11 Mar 100 03:01:26 -0800
Subject: Pulp Friction - Chained Cheerleaders
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649 -=[ Fun_People ]=-
[Well, it's a little thin on plot, but I still give it four thumbs up ...
and a finger or two... -psl]
From: Daniel Steinberg <email@example.com>
Tee and i went to the video store again tonight. It's a ritual we do every
so often. We browse the shelves, looking for a movie to rent and take home
for Tee to fall asleep to. (She rarely lasts past the first 40 minutes.)
Our routine goes like this: she goes to the Comedy section and looks for
a movie that i can stomach, since i'm the one that ends up watching it,
while i go to the Action section and browse through the most lurid movies
i can find, the erotic thrillers, the prison girl riots, the biker chick
flicks...movies that i wouldn't be caught dead renting (but that i keep
telling myself maybe i'll go back and rent one day when Tee isn't with me).
Actually, i have rented a couple of 'erotic thrillers' and i think i can
say with authority that they are only slightly worse than a Pokemon movie.
(Well, since i haven't seen a Pokemon movie, i suppose i might be wrong:
they could be *much* worse.) The gratuitous nudity, of which there's never
enough, doesn't begin to make up for the absolutely horrid script and
acting. And the simulated sex is about as hot as a New York pretzel. At
least with a porno movie you know what you're getting: bored, silicone-
enhanced people who fuck and suck for a living. The cast of erotic
thrillers only suck.
Anyway, on the way home tonight, i worked out the plot for my next film.
(This is my third, and no, i haven't actually written any of these
screenplays yet. But i know they'd all be blockbusters.)
The Dallas Cowboys' cheerleading squad boards an airplane to fly to Los
Angeles for the Super Bowl, but it is hijacked by an escaped convict who
forces the pilot to fly to South America. One of the cheerleaders is really
a federal agent in disguise, and when she gets an opportunity she shoots
the hijacker, but not before he kills the pilot and co-pilot. Another
cheerleader, whose father is a millionaire, knows a little about flying
planes and manages a crash-landing in the Amazon jungle after flying through
a strange purple cloud.
They emerge bruised, with torn clothes, and are promptly captured by a drug
lord who takes them to the high-security prison he's built in the jungle.
The prison warden is a sadistic lesbian who loves to torture the inmates
and make them have sex with her. The warden is under surveillance, however,
by a handsome private investigator who was hired by her husband to find
out if she's been cheating on him. He hides in a closet in her office and
watches while she interrogates and humiliates one of the cheerleaders, who
is really her beautiful twin sister. He falls in love with the twin and
smuggles in a few crates of machine guns to help her and the girls escape.
After a bloody shootout, they release the male prisoners, whom they've all
fallen in love with, and slog together through the jungle to the nearest
city. But when they get there, they find that it is an abandoned,
post-apocalyptic nightmare, whose remaining inhabitants all have souped-up
motorcycles and spiky hair and facial piercings, and try to kill anyone
who doesn't. The federal agent admits that there was an experimental
time-travel device on board, and they realize at once that the purple cloud
they went through was really a hole into the future.
In order to escape from the city, the cheerleaders challenge the
spiky-haired people to a football game for their lives and, when the
challenge is accepted, they have just seven days to organize their inmate
friends into a football team. But in order to raise money for team jerseys
and new cheerleader uniforms, they secretly prostitute themselves at night.
One of them is beaten up by a client, and her friend decides to avenge her
by brutally killing every man in the city and then, in a fit of remorse,
takes an overdose of drugs and kills herself.
The remaining cheerleaders find their crashed plane, rescue the time-travel
device, and install it on an old twin-engine plane they find in a secret
jungle hangar. They fly back in time and land in Los Angeles just in time
for the Super Bowl. But when one of the Cowboys gets a little fresh with
the cheerleader who had been beaten up, her friends have to restrain her
before she kills him. The movie ends with the camera closing in on the
murderous glint in her eye, just to let you know there might be a sequel.
© 2000 Peter Langston