Who wants to be an Alaskan?
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Mon, 3 Apr 100 13:36:55 -0700
Subject: Who wants to be an Alaskan?
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In search of the final answer on Alaska residency
In the not so distant future:
The Legislature and the voters approve the measure to issue a $25,000
dividend check to all eligible Alaskans. After it passes, Gov. Tony Knowles
becomes concerned that a lot of non-Alaskans will claim residency in order
to get a piece of the pie. The governor and his staff take to the airwaves
with the following solution:
Knowles: Good evening, and welcome to "Who Wants to be an Alaskan?" The
object of the game show is to prove you are an Alaska resident by answering
a series of four questions. Each question will make you eligible to receive
a dividend check, starting with $1,000 and going up to $25,000. Let's get
started with tonight's contestant, Hector Donaldson. Hector, how long have
you been in Alaska now?
Hector: Pretty close to one year now.
Knowles: Pretty close? Or has it been one whole year?
Hector: (long pause) Well, it depends what calendar system you use. (even
longer pause) I have had a mail box up here for longer than a year.
Knowles: Well, that's fine for now. We'll be able to prove your residency
through the following questions. Are you ready to play?
Hector: Let's go for it, Tony!
Knowles: OK, Hector, for $1,000, here is your first question. What is the
largest city in Alaska? Is it (A) Fairbanks, (B) Juneau, (C) Anchorage or
Hector: That's an easy one, Tony. The answer is (A) Fairbanks, because
Anchorage isn't actually in Alaska.
Knowles: You're absolutely right for $1,000! Here is your next question:
What is the most vicious predator in Alaska? Is it (A) the grizzly bear,
(B) the polar bear, (C) the wolverine or (D) Rep. Vic Kohring of Wasilla?
Hector: Hmmm, that's a tough one. I think I will use my lifeline and ask
the audience on this one.
Knowles: OK, audience, using your hand-held remote, enter in the letter of
which one you think is the correct response. (pause) The results are in,
and 90 percent of the audience chooses the polar bear! What's your answer,
Hector: Well, since the audience is made up of all Alaskans, I know they
will try to make sure I can't claim residency so there will be more money
in the PFD account. So chances are they gave me the wrong answer on
purpose. My final answer is (D), Rep. Vic "Budget Slasher" Kohring.
Knowles: (dramatic pause) You are right! Very sly move, Hector! You now
have $5,000. Let's move on the $10,000 question. What is the worst disaster
to ever happen to Alaska? Is it (A) The Good Friday earthquake, (B) The
Exxon Valdez oil spill, (C) The great flood in Fairbanks, (D) Joe McGinnis
writing "Going to Extremes?"
Hector: Oh, I know this one, Tony. The answer is (D)Joe McGinnis writing
"Going to Extremes."
Knowles: Is that your final answer?
Hector: That's my final answer, Tony!
Knowles: (pause, dramatic music plays in the background) You chose Joe
McGinnis, and the answer is . . . you're right! It's JoeMcGinnis!
(massive booing from the audience).
Hector: Oh my gosh!
Knowles: Hector, you are one answer away from being an official Alaska
resident and claiming a $25,000 dividend. How does it feel?
Hector: Great! I feel like I'm a resident already!
All I need now are some Buggy Boots!
Knowles: Not so fast, Hector. They're Bunny Boots. Anyway, here is your
final question for $25,000 and official Alaska residency. Which of the
following phenomenas have university scientists been unable to explain? Is
it (A) the aurora borealis, (B) how animals survive hibernation, (C) why
there is so much seismic activity in Alaska, (D) the continuous reelection
of Don Young.
Hector: Tony, I'm going to use another lifeline. I want to call my friend
Buck who lives in Goldstream Valley.
Knowles: Our good friends at PTI will make the call for us. (dialing sounds,
then an automated voice comes on: We're sorry all circuits are busy. Will
you please try your call later?) Whoops! Let's try that again. (redialing
continues for another hour before the connection is made)
Buck: HELLO? (sound of loud barking in the background)
Knowles: BUCK, THIS IS TONY KNOWLES WITH "WHO WANTS TO BE AN ALASKAN." CAN
YOU HEAR ME?
Buck: (dogs bark even louder) HELLO?
Hector: BUCK, TELL YOUR DOGS TO SHUT UP!
Buck: HELLO? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I OWN 250 DOGS! AND I THINK THERE'S A
MOOSE IN MY YARD!
Hector: BUCK, LISTEN I NEED YOUR HELP (line goes dead). Damn! One of his
dogs must have chewed the phone line again!
Knowles: Well, Hector, you're going to have to answer the question yourself.
What will it be?
Hector: Oh man, this is tough. Well, I am going to have to say the aurora
borealis. That's my final answer!
Knowles: I'm sorry Hector, you're wrong. The answer is the reelection of
Don Young. I'm afraid you are not an Alaska resident, and your winnings
drop back down to $1,000. (Massive cheering from audience)
Hector: That's fine! I'll take the $1,000 plus the income tax-free money
I earned while working on a fishing boat this summer.
That's more than $80,000 I can take back with me to California.
Knowles: Thanks for playing, Hector. Join us next time as another free
loader from the Lower 48 tries to claim a PFD check on "Who Wants to be an
© 2000 Peter Langston