AOL Time Warner Acquisition
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Tue, 11 Apr 100 14:39:39 -0700
Subject: AOL Time Warner Acquisition
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New AOL TIME WARNER acquisition
In a surprise announcement, AOL Time Warner announced Friday that it had
acquired France. This marks the first time that a multimedia company has
purchased an entire nation.
"We had considered other countries," chairman Steve Case admitted, "but we
were just blown away by France's great visuals and incredible depth of
"It's all about the cheese," countered the company's increasingly unorthodox
CEO, Gerald Levin. "They've got some really stinky cheese."
With its population of nearly 59 million people, its natural resources of
coal, iron ore, bauxite and potash, its history of fine art, literature
and incomprehensible literary theory, and the exciting film stylistics of
Gerard Depardieu, France makes an ideal counterpart to Time AOL's content,
"We've got print, movies, television and, of course, a sizable chunk of
the Internet audience," Case announced at a hastily called news conference.
"They've got Balzac, the existentialists and Serge Gainsbourg. I think the
fit was pretty obvious."
"Have you tried their fries?" Levin asked the assembled journalists. "They
eat them with fucking mayonnaise!"
French President Jacques Chirac was resistant to the idea, according to
Case, until AOL Time Warner killed him. "Now he likes it just fine."
French Prime Minister Lionel Jospin, posting in an AOL chat room, said the
French people have been stuck in double-digit unemployment for over a decade
now and were looking forward to working with their American counterparts
Case says the decision to buy France occurred to him and Levin as they flew
over the European nation last week. "Wouldn't it be funny if that was all
ours?" he asked of the former Time Warner head. "Can you imagine the look
on Bill Gates' face?"
The decision to purchase a country best known for its hauteur and fabulous
women struck some analysts as misguided. "This comes at a time when a lot
of investors would like to see more tangibles in AOL Time Warner," said
Lazlo Toth of Jupiter Communications. "France seems silly, while a nice
Scandinavian nation would have shown more gravitas. They're wired for sound
The deal must first be approved by the SEC, the CIA, 'N Sync, UNESCO and
the cast of "Marvin's Room." Case said he expected no trouble from any
quarter. "Just remember what happened to Chirac," he cautioned.
French pop sensation Johnny Halliday did not return calls seeking comment.
© 2000 Peter Langston