Bulwer-Lytton awards - 2000
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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 100 15:18:58 -0700
Subject: Bulwer-Lytton awards - 2000
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649 -=[ Fun_People ]=-
Forwarded-by: Barbara Millikan <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Forwarded-by: Meryle Korn <MeryleK@osbplf.org>
These are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest, wherein one
writes only the first line of a bad novel. (Victorian author Edward George
Bulwer-Lytton is famous--or is it infamous--for writing the novel that
began "It was a dark and stormy night.")
10) As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind
in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it.
9) Just beyond the Narrows the river widens.
8) With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned,
unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep
azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied
for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that
7) Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept
along the east wall: Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.
6) Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism,
was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon
to become the woman he loved.
5) Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from
eking out a living at a local pet store.
4) Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins
3) Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the
corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.
2) Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning
of the word fear, a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit
in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.
AND THE WINNER IS...
1) The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the
greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window,
revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping
in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her,
disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly,
© 2000 Peter Langston