Fun_People Archive
1 Jun
Bulwer-Lytton awards - 2000

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Thu,  1 Jun 100 15:18:58 -0700
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Bulwer-Lytton awards - 2000
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X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649  -=[ Fun_People ]=-
Forwarded-by: Barbara Millikan <>
Forwarded-by: Meryle Korn <>

These are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest, wherein one
writes only the first line of a bad novel.  (Victorian author Edward George
Bulwer-Lytton is famous--or is it infamous--for writing the novel that
began "It was a dark and stormy night.")

10) As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind
    in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it.

 9) Just beyond the Narrows the river widens.

 8) With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned,
    unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep
    azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied
    for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that
    defied description.

 7) Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept
    along the east wall:  Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.

 6) Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism,
    was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon
    to become the woman he loved.

 5) Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from
    eking out a living at a local pet store.

 4) Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins
    often do.

 3) Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the
    corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.

 2) Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning
    of the word fear, a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit
    in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.


 1) The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the
    greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window,
    revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping
    in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her,
    disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly,
    You lied!

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