Fun_People Archive
17 Sep
Fun_People Updates 9/17/00, Part 2

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sun, 17 Sep 100 04:17:52 -0700
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Fun_People Updates 9/17/00, Part 2

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649  -=[ Fun_People ]=-
[Continued from Fun_People Updates 9/17/00, Part 1  -psl]

Re: QOTD - Calwell, 12/20/99
From: "Tom Rawson" <>

I think I'd rather be defeated on principle then win on lyes.

>"It is better to be defeated on principal than to win on lies.'
> - Arthur Calwell

Re: QOTD - Calwell, 12/20/99

>"It is better to be defeated on principal than to win on lies.'

Yes, but those defeated on principal, will soon lose interest, too.

	Your unprincipled proofer

Re: bright moon
From: <>

I'm struck by how mechanics of our local system have coincided with the big
rollover of the common era calendar (1999 -> 2000):

Two full moons each in January and March -- pretty rare.
Full moon, solstice, and perigee ocurring so close together -- also pretty

Plus, last night, as the clouds rolled in, there was an aurora over Seattle.
It was faint, but definitely an aurora and nothing else. The clouds were
pulsing and flashing.

My human ability to read meaning into patterns derived from chaos and
coincidence temporarily outvoted the human rational skeptic. I was uplifted.

Happy solstice and welcome to the new world.

Re: Another Mysterious MS Exec Mug Shot
From: Mimbar Seputro <>

Date : 23 Desember 1999

re: your posting about JB's predicting earthquake, in Jakarta City  (Java
Island) we experience with quake (3-4 magnitude). The date was 22nd of
December 21:15

I have just realised when read back your posted.

Thanks Peter.

Subject: please change your settings
From: xaviera hollander <>

Dear Friend,

Lately I seem to get more and more emails  people send to me in  HTML
(Hyper Text  Mark Up Language)   - often done by the Outlook express
users by the way.  This makes it more complicated to answer for me  and
at the same time  easier to receive  virus bugs. So please in future
check the way you send your messages and  use ASCII  (American Standard
Code for Information Interchange..)   instead of HTML.

I am sure you will do loads of other people a great favor  by changing
your settings as soon as possible.

Thanks  --             


You are only young once,
And if you work it right,
Once is enough.

[Xaviera, this note is just one more reason that I'm your fan...  -psl]

Re: Comedian's-eye View
Forwarded-by: Matthew Kleinosky <>
From: "np88yd" <>

>                    "If I were as fat as (Marilyn)
>                     Monroe, I'd kill myself."
>                 The gracious and tasteful Liz Hurley
>                                &&&&&&&&&&
"If I were as thin as Liz Hurley I'd be very hungry"
The rubinesqe and forever tasting, Rowena Goulding aka Dame Tonka.

Re: The MacG4 - incompatibilities etc.
From: (Robert Reynolds)

I tried using a just-acquired Norton Utilities CD (acquired for OS 8.6 on G3) on
a cousin's G4 and found that OS 9 will not accept it.

Subject: Easy come, easy go...
From: Greg

	Microsoft Cancels Rebate Offer

The Associated Press Friday, Jan. 7, 2000; 1:09 p.m. EST

LOS ANGELES -- Microsoft Corp. abruptly suspended a $400 rebate for
consumers in California and Oregon buying Internet access contracts after
company officials found thousands were signing up, spending the rebate and
canceling the contracts the next day.

"This is just a shame, because this simply offered consumers an inexpensive
way to get wired to the Internet," said Microsoft spokesman Tom Pilla at
Microsoft's Redmond, Wash., headquarters.

Pilla said the program was suspended in California and Oregon, effective
today, but he stressed it was a temporary measure. The company is reviewing
the program now in order to close the loophole and continue its rebates.

On Thursday, people waited in line as long as four hours at some Southern
California stores to order Microsoft's Internet service for three years
and use the $400 rebates to purchase merchandise. Many said they planned
to cancel the service the next day.

"It doesn't feel immoral," said Jenny Ives, a 20-year-old California
Institute of Technology student who used her rebate at a Best Buy store to
buy a breadmaker and a combination television-videocassette recorder in

Some who discussed the rebate in Internet chat rooms said they were
delighted to take advantage of a company run by the country's richest man.

Microsoft offered the rebate nationwide. In most states, anyone who canceled
service in less than three years had to return the rebate, but company
officials said loopholes in state laws prevented them from adopting that
provision in California and Oregon.

Pilla would not comment on how many people took advantage of the offer,
how many people canceled or how much money Microsoft lost.

Re: Stupid Email Tricks
From: Kevin Johnsrude <>

The stupid trick in question doesn't work on my copy of MS Outlook 98


Re: Stupid Email Tricks - Fooling Microsoft Outlook
From: Dan Franklin <>

I tested this at work.  4 Outlook users failed to see the line
beginning 'begin  ' or any subsequent lines; one of those 4 reported
seeing an attachment she couldn't open.

Another user had no problem seeing the entire message.  He suggested
that the difference is that he was reading his messages from a
Microsoft Exchange server (whatever that is) rather than using IMAP
or other nonstandard, buggy protocols :-)

	Dan Franklin

Re: More remembering Don Martin
Forwarded-by: Bob Stein <>
Forwarded-by: > People Jan. 15, 2000

	Don Martin

Remembering the Mad magazine cartoonist who created characters like Fester
Bestertester and Karbuncle, yet still had the time to invent National
Gorilla Suit Day.

- - - - - - - - - - - -
By Steve Burgess

Don Martin, the former Mad magazine cartoonist, was no A.A. Milne. His
characters, Fonebone and Fester Bestertester among them, bore no resemblance
to Winnie the Pooh. But news of Martin's death from cancer last week at
age 68 certainly gave me a Christopher Robin moment. I'm sure I'm not alone.

The poignant coda of the Pooh books suggested that, long after we children
grow up to become indifferent adults, our childhood fantasy worlds live on
in some lonely forest glade, patiently awaiting our return.

Hearing Don Martin's name again (in the usual unfortunate circumstances
that cause long-forgotten names to reappear) was like awakening from a
dream. How did I manage to so thoroughly and completely forget the man
whose comic sensibilities ruled my grade school world?

Not every '60s kid discarded Martin cartoons, and Mad in general, with
their lunchboxes and GI Joes (not every '60s kid discarded their lunchboxes
and GI Joes either, which is why some are now wealthy and some cursing Mom
for cleaning their rooms). But for every reader who stayed loyal, many more
dropped William M. Gaines' impish publication and reinvented themselves as
sophisticated '70s National Lampoon readers. A lot of what filled the pages
of Mad was better off forgotten.  But in our rush to grow up, we unfairly
tossed Don Martin out with the bath water.

Martin sold his first cartoon to Mad in 1956 and his work appeared in the
magazine for over 30 years. His creations -- slouching, lantern-jawed
schleps all -- were generally belligerent, moronic or both. Mostly, though,
they were unfortunate. If for any reason there happened to be a fish in
the air, it was certain to make a sudden stop at someone's face, accompanied
by one of Martin's trademark sonic re-creations -- "Spladap," perhaps. (A
particular favorite: "Foinsapp" -- the sound made when a man is smacked
with a saw.) It's not surprising that Gary Larson has identified himself
as a fan. Don Martin's cartoons
  lacked the cleverness of "The Far Side," but both men clearly displayed
a love of absurdity and anarchic mayhem.

"There's always been physical suffering in comedy," Martin once said.
Slapstick violence was a large part of Martin's work, but not the whole
show. He was also the man who invented National Gorilla Suit Day. Peeved
at the serfdom required by the Mad empire, where Gaines retained all rights
to work published in the magazine, Martin began creating his own books on
the side in 1962. Eventually his books sold over 7 million copies.

I had the one that featured National Gorilla Suit Day. As I recall, the
story centered on peevish Fester Bestertester, his doltish, easily amused
companion, Karbuncle, and their activities on that festive holiday occasion,
National Gorilla Suit Day. "Everybody knows it's just a ploy by the gorilla
suit companies to sell their products," grumps Bestertester.

I'll spare you the details except to say that, as it turns out, almost
every organic object on the planet from delivery boys to bananas can be
unzipped to reveal a homicidal gorilla. Bestertester is punished for his
ill humor by a succession of baboons who pound him into shapes that never
cease to astound the affable Karbuncle.(One of Martin's ongoing themes,
other than the ability of human flesh to remodel itself with help from fish
and frying pans, seemed to be that good-natured idiots will always get
through life relatively happy and untouched while curmudgeons invariably
attract more than enough misfortune to confirm their pissy worldview.)

The same book told a heartwarming show-biz story of a man who soared to
the top thanks to his ability to take an anvil off the skull. Anvils clang
off his head from greater and greater heights as his fame spreads.
Naturally, life at the top -- cars, gals, champagne -- leaves him soft in
the head and, well, you might get away with that in the presidential
primaries but not in the anvil-braining trade. More interesting flesh
configurations result before a stirring comeback is mounted. I forget how
it ends.

 From the sound of it, Martin's own denouement was a difficult one, with
not even a moist sound effect to accompany it. Serious vision problems
forced him to work with a magnifying glass toward the end of his life, and
his ongoing financial dispute with the late Gaines drove him over to Cracked
magazine in 1987. Gaines, no doubt languishing in Hades as predicted by
countless outraged '50s parents, deserves an extra prod with the red-hot
pitchfork for forcing on Martin the indignity of appearing in Cracked, the
"Battlestar Galactica" of juvenile humor mags.

The New Jersey born-and-raised Martin eventually succumbed to cancer last
Thursday in a Miami hospital. At the end, no one even had the decency to
smack him in the head with a ball-peen hammer. I feel as though we let him

Pass me that banana, would you, Karbuncle, old boy? | Jan. 15, 2000

Re: But is the tax still in place?
From: John Shannon <>


Urban myth I'm afraid - this sort of thing has been doing the rounds since
about 1980, substituting a 'loony left' council of your choice for

There have been cases of books being banned from libraries however. The
Biggles books, written in an age when half the world was coloured pink,
were removed from a number of libraries for offenses against racism.  Only
the improper portrayal of blacks and Asiatic were cited though - the far
worse cases of racism against the German nation went completely unnoticed!


John S.

Subject: Error

I wish to make you aware of an error on the following Web page:

     New York, New York:

     The crowd of buffoons, some in makeup, were not just clowning
     around. They were singing, dancing, juggling and doing magic tricks
     in an effort to step into the size 83-XXX shoes of Larry Harmon.

     Harmon, the original Bozo the Clown, auditioned about 50 men and
     women Tuesday at the Harley-Davidson Cafe in New York.

     Although he already has 75 fill-ins helping him play Bozo on the
     road, at malls, in videos and around the world, there's always room
     for another Bozo.

     [I'll bet the turnout was low this year, what with all the
     competition from New Hampshire... -psl]

Correction:  Pinto Colvig is the original Bozo the Clown.  Larry
Harmon is the franchiser of Bozo the Clown.  He bought most of the
rights to the character from Capitol Records years ago.


Re: QOTD - Lewinsky, 1/26/00
From: Daniel Steinberg <>

>"I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me."
>			- Monica Lewinsky, on CNN's Larry King Live
>			  discussing her Jenny Craig weight-loss.

On NPR news yesterday, there was an interview with Clinton asking whether
he would veto a bill from Congress making Elian a citizen.  He prefaced his
statement by saying:

   "Well, I'm not running for anything, so I can answer honestly..."

That was the most honest thing i have ever heard any politician say...ever.
But not even NPR remarked on this off-the-cuff view of how much politics is
driven by image.


Re: ImageID - Where's Waldo?
From: Mark Seiden <>

just one step from tattooed barcodes on your forehead.

Re: Revisiting the Fifties - Burma-Shave
From: "Stephen Nelson" <>

A couple more I remember from my youth:

Angels who
    Guard you
        While you drive
            Usually retire
                At 65.

Ben met
        Made a Hit
            Neglected Beard
                Ben-Anna Split

Re: Revisiting the Fifties - Burma-Shave
From: Albyn Jones <>

Here's one that I recall seeing as a child:

  30 days
   has September
   April, June, and
   the speed offender
    burma shave


Subject: The Votes are in. It's now official.
From: "Neufeld, Gerald" <Neufeld@BrandonU.CA>

The delegates at the Canadian United Alternative Conference have
decided on a name for the new party that is designed to "Unite the
Right" by combining the Reform and Progressive Conservative parties.
The new name is the "Canadian Conservative Reform Alliance Party".
They intend to promote it using the short name "Canadian Alliance
Party" but it will still be the "Can CRAP" party to most of us. Sigh..
Aren't there any politicians with any brains left?

Gerry Neufeld

Re: Revisiting the Fifties - Burma-Shave (fwd)
Forwarded-by: Cal Herrmann <>
>From Sun Jan 30 22:20:08 2000

Some of my favorites from my youth:

            WASN'T IT?

        GET A TUBA!

            AT SIXTY-FIVE

Bob Clayton

Re: Units Update 1/31/00
Forwarded-by: Bob Stein <>
Forwarded-by: "Daniel J. Beerbohm" <>

A Few more "units" from Paul Prestopino:

Seems to me that:
1 Megahertz = 1,000,000 aches
A Paradox = two things that quack
Two pints = a Cavort

Re: Space Wars (should be Re:  Space Wars)

First of all, your SUBJECT LINE is incorrect.  It should read Re:  Space
Wars.  Two spaces after periods and colons; once space after other

Yes, this was how I was taught in Typing 101 in 1968.  Secretaries
throughout the United States still do it this way.  Are you, Peter Langston,
going to argue with a SECRETARY?  They rule the world!

Of course, we could put this into the conservatist typist (usually female)
vs. the liberal keyboarder (mostly male) in the office today.  In your book
the liberal ALWAYS wins so this is probably a loss from the git-go.  But
what it comes down to is that men can't remember when to use one or two
spaces because their brains don't work like that.  Another example, WORD
PERFECT was used and loved by (mostly) female secretaries for years.  It
required that you know what use with your control key to combine to Bold,
underline, etc.  Well, men were all of a sudden required to master word
processing and they couldn't master these concepts that were easy for women.
So they had to invent MS WORD so men would have pictures to click on to do
these things.  Now if MS WORD would just add a picture for one space and
a picture for two spaces this entire problem would be solved.  This has
nothing to do with newspapers; it has everything to do with men.

Re: Fun_People Updates 1/30/00
From: (Robert Reynolds)

Pluck your magic twanger, Froggy"  -- the sponsor was Buster Brown shoes<
right? What was the name of this Saturday morning show?

Easy:  The Smilin' Ed McConnell Show

Subject: Jock or Nerd...
From: ddeer <>

	Jock Or Nerd?

The answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?"

+ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes
$178,100 a day, working or not.

+ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions
of sugarplums dance in his head.

+ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550
while he's there.

+ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

+ He makes $7,415 per hour more than the minimum wage.

+ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

+ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him
a whole 12 hours.

+ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

+ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

+ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax
deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of
$9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1.

+ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living
comfortably at $65,000 a year.

+ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics,
and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

+ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy
Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

+ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents
for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it? However.....

+ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still
have less than Bill Gates has today.

$$$ Game over.    Nerd wins!!!

Re: Units Update 1/31/00
Forwarded-by: Mark Boolootian <>
From: John

An observation from a colleague:

>1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

Actually it takes a trillion (a million times a million).

>10 millipedes: 1 centipede

Which brings to mind that a millennium can be explained as follows:

It is something like a centennial, except with more legs.


From: "Steve Nelson" <>
Re: Some useful information about Bounce and Coke?


plus the pH of Coke is sufficiently low that if disposed of, it is a
hazardous waste.  So it's perfectly fine to drink it, but you can't legally
pour it down a drain or dump it on the ground.


Re: Some useful information about Bounce and Coke?

In a message dated 2/21/00 4:52:03 PM Eastern Standard Time,

> * To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl the "real
>    thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.  The citric acid in Coke
>    removes stains from vitreous china.
I guess you have to pour it directly, eliminating the middleman.
Jerrod Mason

Re: Some useful information about Bounce and Coke?

Odd stuff!  Here's another one:  Not much in demand in the moist NW, but here
in the occasionally dry southern lands, Sometimes static charges build up in
the car and then when you slide across the seat and get out of the car YOWW!
A big annoying spark.  It is said that a sheet of something like Bounce,
rubbed on your car seat, will prevent or reduce this occurrence.  Of COURSE I
haven't tried it...I can't stand the smell of the stuff.


From: Nathaniel Poor <>

when you accept at UM, you have to chose a login/email name

you can make one up, or they suggest some based on your name
so there are the usual name-based conventions, such as last name-first initial
but i decided against ""...

(it was actually there on the piece of paper, of course it isn't actually
*porn* but it's close enough and a true story)

:)  ndp...

Re: FOTD - The Hounen Matsuri, 3/15
From: Jef Jaisun <>
Subject: Er, watch where you're putting that thing

>Phallic Festivities
>-- by Anna Sheftel
>To all of you silly people who subscribe to cultural stereotypes, and who
>buy into the idea that the entirety of that lovely country named Japan is
>reserved and repressed about all things sexual -- you've obviously never
>visited Komaki in March. March 15th, to be exact.

So lemme get this, um, straight. "We're not reserved and repressed. Why, we
even have ONE DAY A YEAR in ONE TOWN when we whip it out and party."

>...8-foot wooden penis which is paraded down the streets on a shrine. An
>important symbol of fertility, the shrine makes its way down to the Tagata
>temple, with a priest in the lead, to be worshipped.

Oh yeah, I know I want *my* sexual escapades to be led by a priest. Sure
hope he's a drunken, defrocked Jesuit.

>the whole thing is carried by 20 men in a sort of parade, and everyone is
>there to watch.

In Tagata it takes 20 men to carry a big dick, while everyone else watches.
In America, it takes 50 million people to elect a big dick, while the other
200 million watch.

>... there are many penis lollipops, chachkas and sake sake sake to enjoy.

My boys' lollipops! Fer heaven's sake sake sake.

>You've got women marching down the street with smaller penises that can be
>touched on the tip for good health for the family.

They do this on Capitol Hill, too. There the group is called Dykes on Dycks.

>Because what is more lucky than a 2-foot wooden penis?

My penis! Okay, so it's not 2 feet long, but if you touch it on the tip it
definitely improves my well-being.

>... it stays there 'til the next year so that people can pray to it.

Dear Penis...

>Then, it's given away to some local establishment once the next 1000 pound
>penis comes along.

And if that isn't love it'll have to do
Til the real thing comes along...

So where do you find a Japanese condom to fit something like that?

> Penises here aren't just sex organs

No, some are executives at Time-Warner-AOL.

>...thousands of penises parading down the street is something every person
>needs to see at one point in their lifetime.

Yeah, tell it to Paul Schell. Maybe we can do it here in Seattle at the
Seafair Torchlight Parade.

>..there is a Vagina festival later in the year! Woo! It doesn't get much
>cooler than that, does it?

I'm sorry, what was the question again?

>March 15th, if you're around Komaki, watch out- the penises are coming out
>to play.

Beware the Ides of Komaki!

Why does all of this sound like an episode of South Park?

Re: FOTD - The Hounen Matsuri, 3/15
From: "ferguson, harley" <>

I have a good friend who has photographed this festival at least once, maybe
more. He probably has some photos for sale if anybody is interested.

His name is Andy Barker. If I can find it, I'll put his Web site URL here:
His e-mail address is: andy barker <>

Harley Ferguson
Okie 'o in Tokio

From: "Laura P.Raymond" <>
Re: The Great Consonant Shift

I UMST eb oilsng it.  I oucld eard iths iwth ielttl or on oeprblm!

Aualr Aorymnd
   Laura P. Raymond          Phone:  (760) 323-2997
   P.O. Box 1099             E-Mail:
   Palm Springs, CA 92263
"Give me a fruitful error any time, full of seeds, bursting with its
 own corrections.  You can keep your sterile truths for yourself."
				                - Vilfredo Pareto

From: "Mark O'Bannon" <>
Subject: Fun People - mathematical limerick

Yesterday's mathematical limerick appears to have been garbled slightly,
and did not render the mathematical symbols into ASCII in the ideal
way.  Here is a spiffed-up version:

A mathematical limerick.
(12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4^(1/2)) )/ 7 + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0
A dozen, a gross, and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared, and not a bit more.

Re: legacy software - defined
From: "Roger McCarty" <>


Legacy means we didn't invent it and haven't figured out how to change it
just enough to copyright it and sell it back to you.
{Do you work at Microsoft, by any chance, Roger?  -psl]

Re: The Comedian's-eye View of 03/31/00
From: William Schlansky <>

>  "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis,
>   and only enough blood to run one at a time.
>	- Robin Williams [Hardly original with him;
>		you might as well credit me!  -psl]

I heard historian/writer Steven Ambrose attribute this quote to his
grandmother.  The occasion was a panel discussion (on NPR!) in the early
days of the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal.

Bill Schlansky

Re: Enigma Missing - Cryptonomicon Fans Not Suspected (Yet)
From: Daniel Steinberg <>

>Rock star Mick Jagger is a Bletchley Park enthusiast, and even owns an
>Enigma machine, but of a different type from the one stolen.

Mick Jagger *is* an Enigma, but of a different type than any the Germans
have produced to date.

Re: Today's Entrepreneurs Are Young -- But Just How Young?

Loved the piece. Perhaps it's worth mentioning that Mickey Guisewhite is the
sister of Cathy Guisewhite, who writes the Cathy comic strip. Mickey is a
neat lady from Michigan.

Jerrod Mason

Re: Unilever?

Other brands they own include: Dove, Lipton, Ragu, Gordon's, I Can't Believe
It's Not Butter, Country Crock, Vaseline, Pond's, Elizabeth Arden,
Obsession, Eternity and Calvin Klein perfumes, Mentadent, Close-Up, Bird's
Eye, Salon Selectives, Lever 2000, Q-tips, Popsicle, etc....

Basically, if they don't own it, Proctor & Gamble probably does.

Re: Comparative Political Anatomy
From: Raymond L Jackson <>

When George W takes over this sort of humor will be eradicated. Do you hear
Yours in Christ,
R. Lee Jackson

Re: What Alan Greenspan *Really* Said
From: "Stephen Nelson" <>

cute.  It's "bid/ask spreads", which is the difference between what someone
who makes a market in a security will pay for a security (the "bid") at any
given moment and the price at which they will sell the same security (the
"ask").  In the old days (before the internet) market makers were a small,
collegial group that worked together to keep a wide bid/ask spread (they, of
course, make more money the wider the spread).  With the internet and some
mandated opening up of the bidding process, private individuals can now
interpose themselves between the market maker bid and ask prices, in effect
becoming market makers on their own.


Re: What Alan Greenspan *Really* Said

In a message dated 4/17/00 12:12:03 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

<< is there a corrolation between big ass spreads and a rise in the
 market's volume? >>
This may be a nasty crack, but we've seen some deep-seated insecurity, no
buts about it...

Re: What Alan Greenspan *Really* Said
From: "Dan ''Dante'' Tenenbaum" <>

The Jenny Craig interpretation is pretty unimaginative. About four or five
more colorful interpretations immediately spring to mind, all of which I
will leave as an exercise to the reader.

Re: What Alan Greenspan *Really* Said
From: Tony Pak <>

Although I don't know for a fact that Greenspan is not on the Jenny Craig
payroll, I believe he must have been referring to "bid-ask" spreads.

Subject: A tax day classic.
Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <>
Forwarded-by: "Michael A. Olson" <>
Forwarded-by: Jim Frew <>
From: Mark Mooney <>

As I woke up this morning I wondered: Did the IRS make me breakfast?
Will the IRS still respect me?  Does this mean that the IRS loves me

Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <>
Forwarded-by: <>

"I want to be sure he is a ruthless son of a bitch, that he will do what he's
told, that every income tax return I want to see, I see, that he will go
after our enemies and not our friends.  Now it's as simple as that.  If he
isn't, he doesn't get the job."

	-- President Richard Nixon, in May 1971 tapes, describing his
	   criteria for a new IRS commissioner, as quoted in Newsweek.

From: Cal Herrmann <>
Re: Solving the Farmer's Problem (fwd)

PAIR OF GEESE    ' 1993 Lou & Peter Berryman

A few hundred years ago
A single young man I know
Was off to the market square
And taking his produce there
He struggled along the road
With such of an awkward load
That when to a gate came he
No finger was freeE

        An arm around a pair of geese
        An arm around a bag of fleece
        A hand upon an empty pail
        And one to clutch a cottontail

And so at the big latched gate
He only could stand and wait
Til up to the other side
A lovely young lass did stride
He bid her a fond yah hey
And worked up the gall to say
Could you give the gate a pull
My arms are too fullE  (chorus)

She said that would never do
To open the gate for you
For you would a monster be
And try to make love to me
Oh certainly not he cried
My arms are both occupied
I swear to the moon and sun
It couldn't be doneE  (chorus)

She said I can plainly see
How you would make love to me
You'd put down the empty pail
You'd put in the cottontail
And then on the pail of tin
For keeping the rabbit in
You'd put on the bag of fleece
And I'd hold the geeseE  (chorus)

Re: Even Further Telemarketer Torment Techniques
From: "Tom Rawson" <>

My true experience:

The phone rings.

Mr. Rawson? (They always ask as if they know you personally. Immediately
I know it's a telemarketer because no one else would call me "Mr. Rawson."

I'm sorry, Mr. Rawson's not in now.

Well then, may I speak with Mrs. Rawson? (another sure sign they don't know
me--there is no Mrs. Rawson.)

I'm sorry, she's not in either.

Can you tell me when I might reach them?

Well, Mrs. Rawson's dead and Mr. Rawson's in jail so it might not work out
for awhile.

TELEMARKETER: (After some silence)
Oh, I'm very sorry!


Tom Rawson <>
hukt awn fonix werkt for mi

Re: Relief Street Bits  4/19/00

Actually, it was Charles Dudley Warner, who co-wrote "The Gilded Age" with
Twain, who probably originated the quip that Wagner's music isn't as bad
as it sounds. My own opinion is that yes, it is.

Alex Bensky (Detroit)

Re: ReliefStreetNewsBits 4/20/00
From: Daniel Steinberg <>

>Re: ReliefStreetNewsBits 4/20/00
>"Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."
>     --- G. K. Chesterton

Well, is that the toss of a gauntlet, or what?!

      Homage to a Fromage

I think that I shall never squeeze
A poem as lovely as a cheese.
The soft caress of neufchatel
Doth soothe more than mere doggerel.
The merits of a lyric rhyme
Are pale before gruyere sublime.
A camembert, in all it's glory,
Eclipses Shakespeare's oratory.

So why are poets strangely quiet
When it comes to dairy diet?
You'll admit there's not a lotta
Sonnets to a fine ricotta.
For all the odes Longfellow penned
He never deigned to condescend
To sing the praises of an edam;
He preferred to write of freedom.

Who'd excuse the utter guile
Of those who write, while all the while
Eat their roquefort, swiss, and cheddar,
Spending on them not one letter?
Browning, Wordsworth, Poe, and Shelley,
Knew words would not fill their belly;
By day composing sweet baloney,
At night they supped on provolone.

When dining at the London Hilton,
Would you prefer a Yeats or Stilton?
The maitre'd, I'm sure, agrees:
Forget the poet, choose the cheese.
I've never known a healthy fella
To pick free verse over mozzarella.
And when it's time to eat your words,
They go down best with whey and curds.

Some poets wax with eloquence
When writing in an arboreal sense,
But the pungent bite of heady brie
Sure beats the bark of some old tree.

Re: Zou Zou's Coffehouse Rules
From: Nathaniel Poor <>

Actually Zou-Zou's is in Chelsea, which is about 30-45 minutes west of Ann
Arbor. I have not been to either Z-Z's or Chelsea. Jeff Daniels, however,
is from Chelsea, although the importance of that depends on one's feelings
about "Dumb and Dumber."

;)  ndp...

Re: Zou Zou's Coffehouse Rules
From: Fred Davis <>

Peter Langston wrote:

> X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649  -=[ Fun_People ]=-
> X-
> Forwarded-by: Fred Davis <>
> Forwarded-by: ?
> Forwarded-by: the indiegrrl list
> [This purports to be an actual set of instructions for musicians hoping to
>  play at a coffeehouse in Ann Arbor, Michigan called Zou Zou's.

Hey, now...

Well, a quick phone call to Chelsea, Michigan (I guess they are near Ann
Arbor) brings the following: As of "a couple weeks ago", ZouZou's now has
a new policy regarding performers. Apparently, ZouZou's booked talent
through an outside agency, and they are responsible for the talent
guidelines, like a temp agency telling temps what to wear and how to behave.
Perhaps as word of these rules got around the internet, public reaction
necessitated a change of policy.

In a phone conversation with ZouZou's new entertainment manager, Jeremy
Sterling, I was told that ZouZou's is a small venue, so musician's need to
be sensitive about volume, (Metallica covers prolly wouldn't be appropriate,
but otherwise, whatever).

There are no restrictions on content, within reason (Sex Pistols covers
prolly wouldn't be appropriate, but otherwise, whatever).

There is no dress code, as such, just the normal expectations of a small
venue (GWAR cover bands prolly wouldn't be appropriate, but otherwise,

I got the decided feeling that this change of policy was somehow reactive......

Fred Davis

Re: Zou Zou's Coffehouse Rules

In a message dated 4/23/00 4:37:11 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

> This purports to be an actual set of instructions for musicians hoping to
>   play at a coffeehouse in Ann Arbor, Michigan called Zou Zou's.  Although
>   it's pretty bizarre and way over the top, I've known a few venues that
>   could keep up with these guys.  See what you think, and keep in mind, this
>   is a non-paying gig!  -psl

Actually, it's in Chelsea, a quiet little town about 10 miles from Ann Arbor.
ZouZou's is in the shadow of the JiffyMix grain elevators. Corn muffins,
dontcha know. Otherwise accurate. <g>

Re: S'ok?  S'awright.  So long...
From: Barbara Millikan <>

Let me be among the 2,427 people on your list to point out to you that this
is a year old.
Sokay, s'awright, so shut up.

Re: S'ok?  S'awright.  So long...

... So old. (April 21, 1999).

Deja vu all over again, because I think you covered this back then. Never
mind, it's still true that the Senor is remembered and missed.

Jerrod Mason

Re: S'ok?  S'awright.  So long...

Peter, Did you notice the date. He died last year. Oldest member of
the Friar's Club. -jv

Re: S'ok?  S'awright.  So long...
From: Jerry Dreifuerst <>

Dear Peter S Langston,

>  Senor Wences: . . .
>  April 21, 1999 (?)
>  A memorial service and burial will be in Spain this weekend.(???)

Perhaps a small note about the timeliness of this post might be appropriate?

Jerry Dreifuerst
Houston, Texas

Re: Zou Zou's Coffehouse Rules
From: Rick Carter <>

Hi Peter,

Zou Zou's exists, but not in Ann Arbor.  It's in Chelsea, about 20 miles
(and 40 years) west of here.  Close, but very very far away.  I don't
imagine a coffeeshop in Ann Arbor could exist for more than a few days
with *these* rules.  (I have no idea if these are the real rules for Zou
Zou's though, never been inside).

- Rick Carter

Re: Bits o' BONG Bull No. 559! (fwd)
From: Cal Herrmann <>

> "Dr. Alex Comfort, author of 'The Joy of Sex' has died, after a
> series of strokes." -- From the Times, 28th March 2000.

Do you know that Alex Comfort was primarily a gerentologist? AND that he
wrote a bunch of songs which were published in "Sing Out!" in the '60's?
Among them was this (which I still sing on rare occasions, as does Joe
Hickerson), hastily because I couldn't find an original source to verify:

Ban The Bomb

On the night of the Wembly Cup final
  I had a most horrible dream
I'd just been invited to play for United
  And Matt put me onto the team
Like a regular hero, I charged down the field
  The goal lay wide open ahead
I'd the ball on me boot; the crowd bellowed SHOOT!
When the ref blew his whistle and said...

Ban the bomb, it's the highest priority
  Don't stand there just kicking the ball
If some bloody mutton should sit on the button
  There'll be no more football at all
You who think nothing of scragging* the ref  (* hanging)
  Should get this idea in your head
The crowd that shows up, when we play for the cup
  Could scrag old MacMillstone* instead   (Prime Minister MacMillan)

Then I dreamed I went up to the Arctic
  Exploring the wastes on a sledge
Whenever some ass fell down a crevasse
  'T'was I pulled him out from the edge
The Queen was so pleased when I planted the flag
  To the palace I quickly was called
She drew out her sword, to create me a Lord
  When in walked a penguin and bawled...

Ban the bomb, it's the highest priority
  Someone should send for the cops
They're all flying sorties, in thirties and forties
  Whenever a meteor drops
It used to be peaceful way up in the cold
  Now the bombers are swarming like lice
Don't wait for some gup, to blow us all up
  Let's put all the bastards on ice

Then I dreamed I came home from a party
  To a flat with a beautiful blonde
I'd reason to cope; I thought I could cope
  Her ways were familiar and fond
With feverish fingers I undid her hooks  (hundid 'er 'ooks)
  And bundled her onto the bed
I'd just reached the part, where the asterisks start
  When she fluttered her eyelids and said...

Ban the bomb, it's the highest priority
  Then you may sample my charms
With those things above, I can't settle for love
  And I don't want to die in your arms
If anything slips, you won't fancy my lips
  And I shan't be worth taking to bed
So don't mess around, while we're still above ground
  Let's screw old MacMillstone [MacMillhouse?] instead.


I always dreamed of sitting next to him on a plane, recognizing him,
(which I wouldn't), and asking, "SAY, aren't you Alex Comfort, who wrote...
'Ban the Bomb'?"

Another dream lost forever.


Michael Cooney
The Friendship Letter

Re: That giant sucking sound you hear...
From: Tony Pak <>

Does this mean I can now apply for a patent for the process of applying for
a patent using the patented patent application process?

Re: There'll Always Be an England, part n
From: Joe Weihe <>

If the distance between France and England is measured at sea level, and
there is "a trail of white boulders and debris stretching 650 feet out to
sea", wouldn't the two countries be closer together?

>X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649  -=[ Fun_People ]=-
>Forwarded-by: Peter Salus <>
>   LONDON, May 5 (AFP) - Britain and France were 60 feet (20 metres) further
>apart on Friday after a huge rockfall near Dover saw 90,000 tons of chalk
>subside into the English Channel, the Sun reported Saturday.
>   A section of the so-called White Cliffs of Dover measuring 160 feet by
>60 feet crumbled leaving a trail of white boulders and debris stretching
>650 feet out to sea, the tabloid said.
>   "France is 60 feet further away," it celebrated. The two countries are
>just 20 miles (32 kilometres) apart at their closest point near Dover in
>southeast England.

Re: Jean Shepherd in the Night
From: Andrew Lippman <>

I engineered for Jean Shepherd at WOR in NYC when I was a freshman, as  
summer work.  I did the July 4th show, which was one of his highlights.

It was a great experience.  Jean did his show directly to the engineer and  
producer in the control booth. Not live, they didn't let even expert summer  
engineers go OTA on critical shows.  Jean was taped.  When he asked a  
question, it was to me, and I had to indicate a response for him to go on.   
He probably didn't really need my answer, but the response helped pace the  
show.  Even the most accomplished radio personalities at WOR needed a real  
person to be talking to. In one monologue, for example, he asked the audience  
if they knew what IOOF stood for (a lodge.)   I didn't know and he explained  
that it was the International Order of Odd Fellows, something I have never  


From: "Tom Duff" <>
Re: Everything Give You Cancer - There's No Cure - There's No Answer

> A Hawaii study shows a significant statistical relationship between two or
> more servings of tofu a week and "accelerated brain aging" and even an
> association with Alzheimer's disease, says Dr. Lon White.

This is not because tofu damages
people's brains, but because people
with properly functioning brains are
more likely to refuse to eat tofu.

Tom Duff.  grep Noise `find \`find . -name shadersrc\` -name '*.sl'`

Subject: so Kerberos keys can be in your Outlook address book digest #1
From: Barry Perlman <>

Andy Latto <> sez:
 > It's amazing to me that Microsoft continues to pull this sort of stunt
 > at the current state of the antitrust hearings. If you were a lawyer
 > for someone who had just been convicted of a string of bank robberies,
 > wouldn't you advise your client not to rob any more banks during the
 > sentencing hearings? But Microsoft goes right on breaking the same law
 > during the debate on sentencing. Incredible.

Near the beginning of the antitrust trial Microsoft launched an
aggressive lobbying campaign on Capitol Hill to cut the Justice
Department's antitrust budget.  They were so heavy-handed about
it that one of the lawmakers sympathetic to their cause commented
to the NYTimes "Even the Mafia doesn't whack a prosecutor in the
middle of a trial."

Arrogance knows no bounds.

Re: The Comedian's-eye View of 05/17/00
From: Daniel Steinberg <>

>The CBS miniseries "Jesus" beat "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" in the
>ratings.  Its success has the network thinking regular series.  This fall
>expect a new sitcom.  Everybody Loves Jesus. (Alan Ray)

There are already plans in the works for a series called "Who Wants to be
Jesus?"  Contestants get a chance to preach their own messages of love and
tolerance, the studio audience chooses the most compelling among them, and
the winner is crucified.  The bodies of the winning contestants are then
interred in steel compartments, pending the final round, in which the one
whose body has transubstantiated is declared the Messiah of the 21st

Re: The Comedian's-eye View of 05/19/00
From: Daniel Steinberg <>

>The Washington Post has reported that the Church of Scientology tried
>to boost the box office for the critically skewered "Battlefield Earth"
>by e-mailing its members to see the movie time and time again last weekend.
>The message read, " can go more than once, you know!"

They obviously used the wrong strategy.  They should have said:

"Just because you buy a ticket doesn't mean you have to go in and sit
through the movie.  And with all those fancy multiplexes out there, you
could probably sneak in and see something else!"

Re: Mojave Phone booth Removed!
From: Armstrong <>

wow.  that's too bad.

i called the booth once.  one of the early "discoverers" of the booth (the
one with the partially-damaged bust of richard wagner) was there on one of
his periodic visits, and we had a good talk. after complaining about some
obnoxious bay area news crew conducting a very annoying interview (he said
he eventually had to ask them to leave), he related a funny anecdote about
william shatner: one time shatner became so enraged at receiving
voice-over advice from a sound engineer he said to him,

	"don't tell me how to do it. it sickens me."

i could just hear shatner saying this.  we laughed.



Re: Mojave Phone booth Removed!
From: Nichael Cramer <>

Anne Merritt wrote:
>Those Bastard Phone Nazis at Pac Bell have removed the
>phone booth in the Mojave desert!!!   [...]

NPR did this story this morning.  They interviewed the woman who was the
daughter of the guy who allegedly was responsible for getting the phone
booth installed in the first place.

If I understood the reporter correctly, the guy's name was "Godfrey Daniels".

I'm a bit suspicious of this.  "Godfrey Daniels!!" was one of W. C. Fields'
Bowlderized exclamations (along with, say, "Mother of Pearl!!")  Sort of
like being told the guy's name was Ben Dover.


Re: Mojave Phone booth Removed!
From: "Travis J.I. Corcoran" <>

>  From: Anne Merritt <>
>  Those Bastard Phone Nazis at Pac Bell have removed the
>  phone booth in the Mojave desert!!!
>  ...
>  Big corporations suck.

(a) did you read this line?

>  "...increased public traffic had a negative impact on the desert
>  environment..."

(b) so form a non-violent-gender-inclusive-vegetarian-non-profit-co-op
and put your own phone booth somewhere cool.


Re: Mojave Phone booth Removed!
From: Anne Merritt <>

Yeah, and cinder block mining doesn't impact the environment? If they can
put a cinder block mine there, they can certainly handle a little traffic
from curious onlookers.

I think the phone booth just had a negative impact on someone's workload
- like the rangers who don't want to be responsible for anything that
happens out there.

I'm more inclined to form a violent gender exclusive carnivorous for profit
business and put my phone booth someplace ordinary - oh wait, we already
have one Pacific Bell; we don't need another...

Anne Marie

Re: Mojave Phone booth Removed!
From: Anton Sherwood <>

Anne Merritt wrote:
> Those Bastard Phone Nazis at Pac Bell have removed the
> phone booth in the Mojave desert!!!
> ...
> Big corporations suck.

Um, right, it must have been the soulless profit motive that drove federal
bureaucrats to say

> "...the increased public traffic had a negative impact on the desert
>environment in the nation's newest national park."

Re: Mojave Phone booth Removed!
From: Anne Merritt <>

Yeah, now that the rangers have rid themselves of that nasty phone booth,
they can get on with the job of closing the cinder block mine that the
phone booth serviced.  Then no one will ever bother them with pesky visits
to the desert.  Then they can cut staff, and save us taxpayers money.

I think the phone booth was just inconvenient for the rangers, so they had
it purged. Maintaining that line likely cost more than it made, so they
did each other a favor.

It seems like the phone booth turned into a kind of Internet Inconvenience
for the new rangers. It was like getting slashdotted, but a place, not a
website, collapsed under the crush of Internet attention.

Anne Marie

Re: Happiness?
From: George Osner <>

this is  Storm Jameson (1891-1986) ... a prolific novelist and
journalist/socialist/pacificist/feminist who-after being resurrected by
Virago Press in the early 80s-seems to have gone out of print finally and
for ever around the time of her death.   Pic at
(Don E. Z'Boray <>  helped me find this out).


>It is an illusion to think that
>more comfort means more happiness.
>Happiness comes of the capacity
>to feel deeply, to enjoy simply,
>to think freely, to risk life,
>to be needed....
>     - Unknown
>       Courtesy of Michael Cashin

Re: Dear Dr. Laura
From: Al Boss <>

>When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
>pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9).

Although I don't have the direct pipeline to Him that so many others
claim, I'd bet that if someone were to burn Dr. Laura on the altar,
the Lord would be _really_ pleased.

From: "John T. O'Neill" <>
Re: Memorial Day Suggestion - 28 Years of a Bad Thing is Enough!

This piece is a sad example of how some people with no combat experience
or thorough knowledge of history can go off on personal intellectual hikes
to nowhere.  I am a recovered addict and a 20 year Air Force pilot who has
seen many friends die from both drugs and war. Mentioning deceased addicts
and combat deaths in the same breath is not even apples and's
more like this guy had some kind of disjointed dream and he's trying to
make sense out of his personal nocturnal nonsense. Memorializing addicts
is like saving withered flowers. It is far better to remember what they
aspired to be rather than perpetuate the pain that drugs did to them.

War is hell and so is addiction.  But beyond that there is absolutely no
rational comparison. It cheapens the life of an addict to view him/her as
someone who fought and won a personal war on drugs. It's like saying that
a child won a war over mumps. Some addicts get help and recover and some
don't and don't. And it certainly cheapens the sacrifice of the hundreds
of good men whom I personally served who fought and died for their country
in the wars of my lifetime. Instead of looking backward at those who died
from drugs we should have the vision to provide public poliicies and health
care to prevent the list of caualties from becoming longer. Presumably this
guy is a profesional writer. This is one deadline he should have missed.
Every criticism he makes of the so-called "war-on-drugs" is valid. But to
somehow intertwine the death of a hopeless addict in an emergency room, to
death in a DEA raid, to death from a machine gun bullet on the Normandy
beaches is to completely misunderstand the significance and the courage of
all involved.

John T. O'Neill
Lieutenant Colonel, USAF (ret)

Re: Bulwer-Lytton awards - 2000
From: Daniel Steinberg <>

>These are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest...

I think somebody has jumped the gun and issued their own "Bulwer-Lytton"
announcement.  I thought something was fishy when:
 - there were not, as usual, the sources for the winning quotes
 - some of the quotes sounded familiar

In fact, a quick check of the B-L website shows:
 - the deadline for 2000 submissions has been extended and they
   will announce the winners in June
 - the quotes in the message you sent out weren't even the 1999 winners

For the *official* Bulwer-Lytton info, see their web page:

just keepin' you honest...

Re: War is heck
From: Bob Gremling <>

The only "gooks" (or "kikes," "dagos," "niggers," "honkies," etc., etc.),
the way I look at it, are in our own minds. Undoubtedly, the sergeant had
to make the enemy into "gooks" in order to be able to kill them. I wonder
how many vets (I served in Vietnam, but did not have to kill) still (or
ever did) refer to our former enemies as "gooks," "chinks," "krauts"?


Re: Once again, the powers of a satirist are no match for the brutal reality  
of the web.
From: Lauren Weinstein <>

What's even better is that their application uses SSL, with a non-rooted
certificate for "Snake Oil. Ltd."


Re: Important Health Tip for Men
From: Don Menard <>

At 11:45 AM 06/12/2000 -0700, you wrote:
>     Important health tip for men
>     From the New England Journal of Medicine
>Here's to a long life!
>Ogling over women's breasts is good for a Man's health and can add years
>to his life,

Sorry, just an Urban Legend:

Re: Important Health Tip for Men
From: "'Nita from Portsmouth, VA" <>

----- Original Message -----
From: Peter Langston <>

<<  Subject: Important Health Tip for Men  >>

A much better subject line for this interesting post would have been:

"There's health in them there hills.... "

Re: Important Health Tip for Men

	The URL for this page is
	Please use this URL in all link or references to this page

Urban Legends Reference Pages ' 1995-2000 by Barbara and David P. Mikkelson

Ogle and Out

     Claim:   According to a study published in The New England Journal of
	      Medicine, "ogling women's breasts is good for a man's health."

    Status:   False.

    Example:   [Collected on the Internet, 1999]

             Great news for girl watchers:

	     Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and
	     can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.

	     According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10
	     minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is
	     roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out" declared
	     gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby.

	     Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in
	     Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after
	     comparing the health of 200 male outpatients -- half of whom
	     were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half
	     told to refrain from doing so.

	     The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers
	     had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer
	     instances of coronary artery disease. "Sexual excitement gets
	     the heart pumping and improves blood circulation," explains
	     Dr. Weatherby.

	     "There's no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier.
	     Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few
	     minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in
	     half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average
	     man can extend his life four to five years."

    Origins:   Ho ho ho! Staring a big-breasted women is a form of exercise.
    (No wonder Jayne Mansfield's husband was a Mr. Universe!) This has to
    be one of the ultimate male fantasies, second only to the notion that
    drinking beer and watching football makes one more intelligent. (Or
    maybe second only to the thought of being instructed by doctors to look
    at buxom women for five years straight, all in the name of science.)

    Watching busty females may indeed be good for a man's health and add
    years to his life (by giving him something to look forward to, if
    nothing else), but men who want to make the case for engaging in this
    behavior to their wives or girlfriends will have to do so without
    relying on the imprimatur of the medical community. The article referred
    to above was not printed in The New England Journal of Medicine or any
    other major medical journal. It is, in fact, a slight reworking of a
    piece that has run on at least two occasions in that celebrated tabloid
    Fountain of Truth, the Weekly World News (13 May 1997 and 21 March
    2000) and has escaped into the wild. Although the Weekly World News
    occasionally slips up and prints a true story, we suspect this one
    belongs in the "HOW TO TELL IF YOUR DOG WORSHIPS SATAN!" and "NEW

    Last updated:   31 May 2000

Re: What's love?

[When you get tired of Part I, skip down to Part II.]

Part I

Forwarded-by: "Ray J. Borg" <borg>
Subject: What have you learned?

  I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries
  when we sing "Silent Night."    Age 6

  I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in
  a glass of milk.   Age 7

  I've learned that when I wave to people in the country,
  they stop what they are doing and wave back.  Age 9

  I've learned that just when I get my room the way I
  like it, Mom makes me clean it up.   Age 13

  I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you
  should try cheering someone else up.  Age 14

  I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm
  secretly glad my parents are strict with me.  Age 15

  I've learned that silent company is often more healing
  than words of advice.   Age 24

  I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of
  life's great pleasures.   Age 26

  I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst
  drivers have followed me there.   Age 29

  I've learned that if someone says something unkind
  about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.  Age 39

  I've learned that there are people who love you dearly
  but just don't know how to show it.  Age 41

  I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply
  sending them a little card.  Age 44

  I've learned that the greater a person's sense of
  guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others.  Age 46

  I've learned that children and grandparents are natural
  allies. Age 47

  I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it
  seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
  Age 48

  I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my
  spirits for hours. Age 49

  I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the
  side away from the phone. Age 50

  I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the
  way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and
  tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52

  I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a
  medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52

  I've learned that regardless of your relationship with
  your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.  Age 53

  I've learned that making a living is not the same thing
  as making a life. Age 58

  I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second
  chance.  Age 62

  I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a
  catchers mitt on both hands.  You need to be able to throw
  something back.  Age 64

  I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will
  elude you.  But if you focus on your family, the needs of others,
  your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can,
  happiness will find you. Age 65

  I've learned that whenever I decide something with
  kindness, I usually make the right decision.  Age 66

  I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles.
  And to tell the truth, I've seen several.  Age 73

  I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have
  to be one. Age 82

  I've learned that every day you should reach out and
  touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a
  warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.  Age 85

  I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.  Age 92

  I've learned that you should pass this on to someone
  you care about. Sometimes they just need a little something to
  make them smile.

Path II

From: Dave Taylor <ddt>
Subject: Re: What have you learned?

Ray, that was the sappiest piece of vomitous, musaky, G-rated tripe
I think I've ever read.  Thank you for inspiring my muse!

Dave Taylor's PG-13
What have you learned?

I've learned that if I have to sing in class, and the teacher looks
tired, that I should instead scream at the top of my lungs, so that
she will buckle.  Age 6.

I've learned that I can feed broccoli to the dog if I rub it in
my crotch first.  Age 7.

I've learned that if I throw rocks at passing cars, sometimes they
stop, back up, and the driver gets out of the car and chases me until
he doubles over and starts clutching at his chest.  Age 9.

I've learned that when my room is messy, my brother will give me $20
a day for distracting my parents from his little truancy problem.  Age 13.

I've learned that if I want to cheer myself up, I should think about
my English teacher's excellent breasts.  Age 14.

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I think you should
know that I've had Charlene from homeroom.  Age 15.

I've learned that silencing companies with bribes is far more
cost-effective than developing quality product.  Age 24.

I've learned that sending a $20 Blockbuster gift certificate to my
illegitimate child for Christmas each year helps absolve some of the
guilt.  Age 26.

I've learned how to roll down my window, lean my head out, scream
"Watch the f*cking road, jackass!", flip the bird, and roll up the
window again in under 15 seconds.  Age 29.

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, it's
best to run a keystroke logger on his computer at work and publish
the output two weeks before Christmas bonuses are sent out.  Age 39.

I've learned that there are people who glom onto you like leaches,
with no skills of their own, and that I should maybe read Windows
for Dummies.  Age 41.

I've learned that you can make someone's week with $1000 and a raunchy
strip club.  Age 44.

I've learned that if I feel guilty, I should go to the range and unload
1000 rounds of 9mm into rotting pumpkins left over from Halloween.  Age

I've learned that when I was 5, my grandparents were under subpeona
for being suspected of growing pot in their back yard.  Age 47.

I've learned that no matter how bad it gets, you can make it worse
with a pocketknife and table salt.  Age 48.

I've learned that singing is one of the first signs of dementia.  Age 49.

I've learned that something about the smell of motel matresses turns
on my mistress.  Age 50.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a woman by the way she handles
three things: money, makeup, and masturbation.  Age 52.

I've learned the trick my grandparents used to hide pot in their vegetable
garden.  Age 52.

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents,
you should never lend them money.  Age 53.

I've learned that my career was for naught, and that I'm going to live
like crap because I don't have a pension, and social security blows.  Age 58.

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance, just to prove
beyond a shadow of a doubt that you just won't ever get it right.  Age 62.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with mittens on your
hands.  May I have an egg now?  Age 64.

I've learned that Chuck, the orderly who tucks us in at night at the home,
once had a father, but that his father passed away after living out his
last years in a depressing home for the elderly.  Age 65.

I've learned all about fingerpainting today.  Surprisingly, purple tastes
best.  Age 66.

I want a woman.  Age 73.

I've learned that if I'm in pain, I should moan and affect a limp.
Age 82.

I've learned that if I reach out and grab Charlene's bottom, she's too
slow to turn around and hit me before I've hobbled off.  Age 85.

I've learned my name today.  Chuck says I had a mother and a father, and
that's where my name came from.  I cried for hours because I miss my nipples.
Age 92.

I've learned that if you pass this letter on, the alien invaders will stop
sodomizing me in my sleep.

Re: One of our biggest secrets
From: "Dan ''Dante'' Tenenbaum" <>

I knew Stephen Donaldson ("Donny"), the author of this entry. He was a
remarkable man. A survivor of prison rape, he founded the organization Stop
Prisoner Rape.

I recommend a look at their website at
It is full of authoritative and shocking information.

Subject: Michael Moore
From: "Charles Beams" <>

(I know you have included a few articles published by Michael Moore in past
issues of your e-mail postings and thought this was an interesting

The following is from

American Cynic -

*** Take the bull (by the) horn:
     Michael Moore, the creator and star of the film "Roger & Me", which
detailed how Moore hounded the chairman of General Motors, himself does
not like to be hounded.  Yes, Moore, who is known for standing outside
businesses with a megaphone to help get his point across, recently felt
threatened by a downsized former employee of his television show, "The
Awful Truth".
     Alan Edelstein, a producer of the show since 1998, was let go after
seven weeks on the job.  He later decided that stalking Moore with a
bullhorn and a camera would perhaps uncover any underlying reasons for
Edelstein's termination, and it would make excellent footage for an
autobiographical documentary that Edelstein was working on.
     Well, Moore, the guy who once sent actors dressed in Puritan clothing
to Kenneth Starr's house, responded to Edelstein by calling the New York
City police and registering an aggravated harassment complaint against
Edelstein, who ended up spending nine hours in jail before a district
attorney dropped the case.  Edelstein now has a lawsuit filed against

++++++++++++  AMERICAN CYNIC  ++++++++++++
 June 26, 2000     Volume 05     Issue 26


Re: JW Spam
From: "Joyce E. Green" <>

This brings back memories...
When we first moved to our new house 29 years ago, two JW's, a young
man and an older woman, came by when I was out weeding in the front
yard.  They had never heard of the Unitarian Church, so I spent half
an hour or so telling them about our beliefs, or lack thereof.  They
seemed stunned, and left.  I think they must have passed
the word, because JW's have never darkened my door again.

Re: Merely devoid of meaningful content?
From: Tom Parmenter <>

|X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649  -=[ Fun_People ]=-
|From: "Michael L. Cook" <>
|               This page intentionally left blank.
|(Well, not completely blank, since the above non-empty disclaimer
|appears on the page.  What is meant is that this page is devoid
|of meaningful content related to the rest of the document.  This
|page serves only as a separator between sections, chapters, or
|other divisions of the document.  This page is not completely
|blank so that you know that nothing was unintentionally left out,
|or that the page is not blank because of an error in duplication,
|or that the page is not blank because of some other production
|problem.  If this page were really blank, you wouldn't be reading
|anything.  This page has not been left blank by accident, but is
|left non-blank on purpose.  The statement on the page should say
|          "This page was intentionally left non-blank".)

Or, perhaps,

	"This page contains only this information"

or, perhaps less inscrutably

	"This page contains no further information"

or, the new proposed ANSI Standard for intentionally blank pages,

	"That's all, folks!"

Re: Anhedonia
From: Charles Bigelow <>

"Anhedonia" was the working title of the Woody Allen film, "Annie Hall"
(cf. Internet Movie Database). The word had a chance of entering our modern
vocabulary, until the film's name was changed.

>X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649  -=[ Fun_People ]=-
>From: Wordsmith <>
>Excerpted-from: A.Word.A.Day--anhedonia
>anhedonia (an-hee-DO-nee-uh) noun
>    Lack of pleasure or of the capacity to experience it.

Subject: Another Jazz Riff
From: "flygare" <>

Peter --

I passed along the Jazz quotes and quips to a friend (a jazz aficionado),
who came back at me with the following story.  If you must attribute a
name, his is Kirk.  Thought you'd enjoy it! -- Kate Barefield

"I have a Monk story of my own: I went to hear him once at the old Cellar
Door in Washington, DC (maybe the club in the story - or it might have
been Byrd's Nest), and talked to the drummer some during intermission.
He wasn't really a drummer but a vibraphone player, but because both
instruments use sticks, he'd been enlisted as Monk's drummer. I said I
thought that must be pretty rough, and he said, bravely, "It's the same
sixteen bars," meaning it wasn't too different from other music. However,
someone told me that later in the week, in the middle of a number, Monk,
figuring he'd given the guy enough time to learn what he was doing, stood
up abruptly, announced to the audience, "Drum solo!", and left the stage!"
Re: O brave new world
From: Bennett Haselton <>

I heard about this (several times over) since the Web site I run at deals with the shortcomings of blocking software and how it
tends to block large amounts of non-obscene material.

I think it's very unfortunate that examples like "Babcock" receive so much
attention, along with "Super Bowl XXX", "breast cancer", "Anne Sexton",
etc.  The reason that so many teachers and librarians are against
"censorware" in schools and libraries is *not* because of these trivial
examples of keyword-based filtering.  The reason censorware has so many
opponents is because of sites that are blocked for blatantly political
reasons -- the classic example is CYBERsitter, which blocked Time Magazine
after Time published an article criticizing CYBERsitter's homophobic
filtering tendencies:,2822,12392,00.html

And recently we sent out a press release about SurfWatch blocking the home
page of Electronic Frontiers Australia at -- one of
the most outspoken groups criticizing Australian legislation to require
ISP's to carry blocking software:

However, when examples like "Babcock" and "breast cancer" receive so much
attention, it tends to shift blame away from the blocking software companies
-- because they can claim that the sites are blocked by accident due to
keyword filtering, and there was nothing they could have done to avoid it.
EFA and Time Magazine are examples of sites that were blocked because the
censorware companies wanted to block them, and knew exactly what they were

From: Mark Seiden <>
Re: O Brave New World!

and a guy i know who runs a chamber chorus had his web site
blackholed because he graduated from yale, summa *cum* laude.

Re: Locating the Funny Bone.
From: Lauren Weinstein <>

And what part of the brain affects the ability to hear
William Shattner "singing" for  Perhaps it
could be selectively removed.


Subject: Fwd: Better than Quayle
Forwarded-by: Dan Peck <>
From: "Philip Levy" <>

from a Reuters report

ST. LOUIS (Reuters) -
Even while denying that his campaign was trying to send any secret messages
through the advertisements, Bush stumbled over the word subliminal,
pronouncing it ``subliminable'' four times.

Subject: Multitasking, 19th Century Style

>"Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on
>  a summer's day, listening to the murmer of water, or watching the clouds
>  float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time."
>		- Sir John Lubbock

Cheers to Sir John, who in addition to his achievements as a
statesman, and naturalist, also invented the bank holiday. (Columbia
Encyclopedia) -jv

Subject: thanks
From: "Erickson, Lee" <>

I spent the last few days reading everything in the Fun People archive, and
this is the best site I've ever found. Funny, touching, weird,
thought-provoking, etc., it has a little of everything, and it's great.

prev [=] prev © 2000 Peter Langston []