Fun_People Archive
8 Dec
ABCs of the Florida Recount

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Fri,  8 Dec 100 10:57:15 -0800
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Subject: ABCs of the Florida Recount

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ABCs of the Florida Recount  [written 12/1/00, out of date within hours]

    by Jeff Balch

The struggle between Vice President Gore and Governor Bush has produced
almost as many pundits as voters.  Who's right?  How sharp are your own
election analysis skills?  Take the quiz!

 1. GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH.  He has appealed to the voters that he won
    Florida on November 7th and two more times since.  He should:

    a) claim that Florida should therefore award him 75 electoral votes
       rather than a mere 25
    b) argue that Florida's Supreme Court justices could, under Florida
       Governor Jeb Bush's interpretation of relevant statute, be
       demoted to Traffic Court
    c) when visiting brother Jeb, never ride through Palm Beach County
       in an open-top limo

 2. VICE PRESIDENT GORE.  He has come up short in the recounts, so far.
    He should:

    a) call for "full, fair, and accurate" recounts to be completed
       before the 2002 mid-term elections, and promise that if they go
       his way he'll let Vice President Lieberman deliver most of his
       administration's speeches
    b) move his operational bases from Washington, DC and Tallahassee
       to Iowa and New Hampshire
    c) concede for the sake of the nation, pointing out that although
       more votes were cast for the Democrats, Republican voters are
       more unified and have more guns

 3. SENATOR JOSEPH LIEBERMAN.  He campaigned vigorously in Florida and
    firmly believes he and Gore won.  He should:

    a) claim that Palm Beach County's double-punched ballots should
       count twice for Gore
    b) push for compromise, suggesting that he himself replace an
       ailing Dick Cheney as Bush's VP.
    c) doublecheck the numbers in Connecticut's U.S. Senate race to
       make sure the Republicans don't pull a fast one there

 4. FORMER DEFENSE SECRETARY DICK CHENEY.  Bush's running mate and
    fellow oilman was sidelined briefly by heart trouble but has been
    tapped to head Bush's transition team.  He should:

    a) streamline the process, and avoid embarrassing retirement-bonus
       questions, by simply converting his Halliburton oil company's
       board into the transition team
    b) blunt unfavorable comparisons to Lieberman with the assertion
       that Bush's "compassionate conservatism" benefits from the
       balance offered by "mean conservatism."
    c) refuse to answer any questions about his heart, even those that
       have nothing to do with his health

 5. JAMES BAKER.  The former U.S. Secretary of State and spokesman for
    Bush's team arrived in Florida as an elder statesman who
    immediately and repeatedly called on Gore to stop complaining and
    give up.  He should:

    a) call on all Democrats to, for the good of the nation, switch to
       the Republican party
    b) call on all citizens of the world to support James Baker for
       Sun God
    c) offer Gore one of Florida's electoral votes

 6. DAVID BOIES.  Having gained fame litigating against the Microsoft
    Corporation, this attorney now argues on Gore's behalf.  He should:

    a) acknowledge James Baker's effective pugnacity, but remind Baker
       and the world that all of this would be playing out differently
       if Warren Christopher were alive
    b) extend the olive branch to Microsoft and look into whether
       Florida can be a beta tester of Vote Tabulator 9.0
    c) use federal anti-trust law to break up the Bush family

 7. CAROL ROBERTS.  The outspoken Palm Beach County canvassing board
    member sought to control matters on her own turf, but the board
    missed completing its recount by a couple hours.  She should have:

    a) convinced fellow board members to reschedule the county's
       Thanksgiving this year from the fourth Thursday in November to
       the sixth
    b) given fellow board member Charles Burton a digital watch, alarm
       clock, and pocket calendar for Christmas last year
    c) offered, weeks ago, guidance for my brother Chad, sparing him
       an exhaustive and frustrating search for dimples

    certified Florida's election results on November 26th with Bush
    ahead by 537 votes.  She should:

    a) identify those 537 voters and announce that they, and she
       herself, will constitute the 538-member Electoral College
    b) reinforce her position by strategically leaking the story
       that she originally planned to certify Florida's returns on
       November 6th
    c) refute charges of bias by announcing that she will certify
       no offers of an ambassadorship until seven days after Bush is
       sworn in

 9. RALPH NADER.  He offered an alternative to Gore's and Bush's
    "politics-as-usual" and took enough votes in Florida to affect the
    outcome.  He should:

    a) suggest that Nader dimples be counted as Gore votes
    b) let Bush give him the Attorney General's position, without
       salary, as thanks
    c) invite Pat Buchanan on a ride through Palm Beach County in an
       open-top limo

10. U.S. SUPREME COURT JUSTICES.  On Friday they heard oral arguments
    in Bush's challenge to the constitutionality of manual recounts.
    They should also hear arguments:

    a) between doctors, over whether Dick Cheney had a heart attack
    b) between conservatives, over whether George W. and Jeb can
       alternate presidencies until 2016
    c) between liberals, over whether to support capital punishment
       in the case of Ralph Nader

Jeff Balch, a free-lance writer who lives near Chicago, voted only once.

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