Fun_People Archive
9 Dec
Election FINALLY decided.....

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From: Peter Langston <psl>
Date: Sat,  9 Dec 100 13:09:19 -0800
To: Fun_People
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Subject: Election FINALLY decided..... 

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649  -=[ Fun_People ]=-
[Okay, I know; but I'm pretty sure this is NOT from the Onion... even
 though my eyes are tearing just smelling it...  -psl]
Forwarded-by: "Steve Nelson" <>

December 30, 2004
WASHINGTON -- After four years of legal wrangling, George W. Bush was
finally declared the winner of the 2000 presidential election yesterday.

Bush, a Republican, will take the oath of office at noon today and serves
until Jan. 20, 2005, a term of about three weeks. Then he gives way to the
winner of the 2004 presidential election, New York Sen. Hillary Rodham

Facing a drastically shortened presidency, Bush attempted to strike an
optimistic tone last night. "We have a lot to accomplish in the next three
weeks," Bush said. "Reforming Social Security alone is probably going to
eat up four-five hours. Let's get to work!"

Aides yesterday were calling temporary employment agencies in a frantic
effort to fill Cabinet posts. Bush's victory ends a four-year court battle
between him and Democratic candidate Al Gore over the results of the 2000

While the dispute raged on, the nation installed an interim president: New
York Yankees Manager Joe Torre. Torre admitted that running a country and
a baseball team simultaneously has been a strain. "At times, it's been
difficult to keep the two things straight. Although, in retrospect, trading
Jesse Helms to the Red Sox turned out OK." Torre's four years in office
were marked by continued prosperity at home and relative calm abroad.

His most controversial move was appointing Yankees bench coach Don Zimmer
to the Supreme Court. Critics charged that Zimmer lacked experience. He
also spit tobacco juice on Antonin Scalia's shoes, angering conservatives.

Torre's boldest foreign policy initiative was making Cuba the 51st state
in an effort to improve U.S. pitching.

Torre was planning to vacate the White House by midnight tonight, with Bush
moving in immediately. Eager to give an aura of permanency to his three-week
administration, Bush rebuffed suggestions that he sleep on a bare mattress
on the floor and live out of suitcases.

Gore, meanwhile, has yet to concede defeat. The former vice president issued
a statement today saying, "It would be improper and disrespectful to the
democratic process to act hastily before all the facts are known."

The legal tangle over the 2000 election began with a Gore lawsuit over the
confusing design of ballots in Florida. When the courts sided with Gore,
Bush filed suit, arguing that the Oregon results were invalid because some
ballots were yellow and others pink. Gore counter sued, charging that the
West Virginia results should be thrown out because some people failed to
receive "I Voted Today" stickers.

Through the years, various officials proposed compromises to resolve the
impasse. All were rejected, including:

* Establishing a co-presidency, with the two men sharing duties and
splitting the White House. Although never implemented, the idea gave rise
to a hit TV show, East Wing, West Wing.

* Establishing temporarily separate nations, with each candidate ruling
the states he won in the 2000 election. Gore, who failed to carry his native
Tennessee, balked at the idea because it would mean showing a passport
every time he went home.

* Letting Jimmy Carter sort it all out.

Observers said the biggest challenge for the Bush administration will be
working with Congress, which adjourns tomorrow and isn't expected back
until after Bush's term ends. "One day may not be quite enough time to
overhaul the tax system," a Bush aide admitted. "But maybe we can get
started and then finish it later with a big conference call or something."

Meanwhile, Bush also must work on his legacy and prepare to transfer power
to President-elect Clinton. Clinton yesterday wished Bush well and asked
if she could start moving some boxes into the White House basement.

Mark Perry

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